I realised this week that I am very good at manifesting. I am just not always aware of the consequences of what I am manifesting. I don’t even think I am consciously manifesting.
I have been stating that I wanted to live a humble, simple, sustainable life. I’ve been angry at “the system” that we have created as a society, and I just didn’t want to be a part of it any more. Well. I got what I asked for. I just didn’t realise the consequences of it all.
I am now at a point where I am almost out of money (and I really mean that, maybe a few weeks to go), so I am kind of forced to live a humble and simple life. And that automatically is sustainable, so that’s the upside. I don’t go anywhere and eat very simple. As a result of the choices I made over the past 7 years, I now also don’t apply for any kind of financial support from the social systems that are available in the Netherlands. So, I am not a part of “the system” anymore.
I am very lucky that me and my ex-husband split up on good terms and that I am now able to live with him for the time being, or else I would have ended up homeless, maybe even living on the streets.
I am trying to look for a job, but as that requires me to get back in “the system”, I need to make peace with that. So, it’s been realisation after realisation. “The system” in itself isn’t that bad, it’s just a few rotten apples that make the system not function as good as it could.
I’ve also been realising lots of things about myself. That I’ve been trying to be something I am not, and never will be.
I made a list of things that really matter to me, and that make me feel good. That make life worth getting out of bed for in the morning. With job hunting I’ve done many personality tests, I’ve had to point out my strong points and my weaknesses. It made me understand myself on a level I never got to with the spiritual path.
So, right now? I am feeling more and more that I just want an average life, on the sidelines, in the background. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t have a need for being in the spotlight. I think I never have. I don’t have what it takes to be there. I don’t like to be at the centre of attention.
I did always want to make a difference, but I’ve never wanted to be famous. I’ve never felt the need to see my name in history books after I am gone. I have no problems with not getting credit for what I’ve done, what I’ve achieved. Because it’s not about me, not about my ego. It’s about being a contribution to change. And if that happens from a place of anonymity, then that’s fine. And this has nothing to do with low self-worth or anything people have been trying to plant in my mind that’s wrong with me. It’s about being content with who I am and where I am at. Being content with life.
I see other people so passionate about what they do, they are so clear. They love to be in the spotlight. They have a presence on camera, they leave an impression. I don’t have that ability. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel very self-conscious. I just don’t want to be there anymore. Let others take those places. They love them. I gladly hand it back to them.
When I look at what brings me joy, what makes me feel good, I can only come to the conclusion that what I have been trying to do these past years was me actually wandering off my path! And now, I am getting back on it.
What is it that brings me that joy and good feel? Spending time in nature, spending time with my pet animals or animals in general, listening to music, reading a book, writing. I love biology, archeology, genealogy, history. I love watching re-runs of Time Team, Who Do You Think You Are (and the Dutch version of it), Antiques Roadshow (and the Dutch version of it). I love learning about animals, nature, the planet. I like figuring out how things “work”. I am curious by nature, and want to discover things, but for myself. Not for others.
What then about all the spiritual stuff I did, the shamanic, the healing, animal communication? All of that? Well, it’s been an interesting journey for sure, but….. Most of that comes down to helping people, and I now truly believe that that’s not my path. Not in a professional way. Not in this life. Working with people makes me anxious. Gets me in comparison mode. Makes me feel like I never do enough, never am enough. Makes me feel like a failure. And I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t have anything that I excel at. I am good at things, but I don’t stand out at anything. And I am finally okay with that. I don’t want to stand out anymore. It’s very tiring. I think I am much happier with being an ordinary person. I’ve had nothing really bad happen to me in my life, I’ve been lucky in that sense, and I am very grateful for that. But, again, that makes me ordinary. And I love being ordinary. I am so tired of people putting me in boxes, giving me labels. They don’t define me. And I just am sick of trying to be extraordinary, I am not. I am tired of people saying that I could be and do so much more, be a leader. To make me into something I am not. Push me into a position I don’t want to be in. And I feel that people who are “ordinary” should be accepted and respected more, maybe even admired. They too are needed. The ones that actually love the “ordinary” jobs. Because let’s be honest, without those people it would be a very messy place. Nothing would get done. Let’s celebrate those that are happy on the side lines. The ones that don’t mind being the one that loses in games. The ones that are happy for you to take the limelight. Even write you your speeches and don’t even want credit for it.
So, yes, I want to have a job or work that no longer forces me to be in the spotlight. That just lets me be me and enjoy life in a calm and peaceful way. I am not competitive, I am not ambitious, I never was, and I never will be. I just want to be, and do the things that truly bring me joy. And calm. And peace of mind.
No more (internal) pressure, no more stress. I am so tired of it all. So tired of having to be someone, become something I am not, having big dreams. Maybe they were never my dreams anyway.
It’s all good. I feel I am finally getting back to where I am supposed to be in this life.