So, there I was. Decided to take care of the little “r” first. Of little me. I had decided. And now what? (if you haven’t read that blog, read it first, then this blog will make a lot more sense).
How do I do that? Take care of me? I just didn’t know. I had forgotten. I felt so lost. My whole body was feeling tense, I started overthinking and over-worrying. It didn’t help that Cheyenne didn’t want to go out with me anymore and didn’t trust me because I had a little falling out with her. She is so afraid of the sounds of shooting out here, and it’s almost every day. At first I went on my walks without her, feeling proud of myself taking care of my little “r”. That worked the first few times and then I started missing her. This wasn’t right. We were meant to do this together. These were the visions I had. And because my mood was getting darker and darker, she also started to cling more to my host, making things even worse. It was all my energy. I know that. I was falling away again.
Also, peri-menopause decided to just kick in, giving me physical symptoms I had to adjust to. And making me realise I had been letting the sugars into my diet way too much again.
Anyway, it all went down hill. I still was doing the rebirth program with Lee Harris, and that gave me even deeper insights. On what was going on. And that wasn’t easy either. About relationships, about speaking my truth, open and loving communication.
It wasn’t easy for my host, or for the energy in here in general, I was in the midst of a raging internal thunderstorm. I didn’t want to reach out or ask for help, because I knew I wouldn’t be open to any kind of help anyway. I know that when I have something like this going on, all I can do is turn inwards, journal, process, meditate. Allowing the storm to rage, and try not to hurt anyone nearby. I feel deeply, I love deeply, so I also feel that darkness deeply.
My host had asked me to do something for her, and that helped me get through it, because I really liked doing it. It got my mind off things a little bit. Focus on something else for a while, shifting my attention and energy. And the qigong practice that came with the rebirth program also helped, because I had lost my yoga practice (it didn’t feel right for my body anymore).
When I was at the deepest point of my “now what?”, also because things around staying in the UK just weren’t working out for me, I decided to take a new look at a list I had made in 2018. A list of wishes and desires. Of what truly brought me joy, and what made my heart and soul sing. I looked at what I missed from my old life. I compiled a new list. And came to the conclusion there are three things I needed most at this point in my life: money, a roof over my head that I can call home and easy accessible transport. And I looked at this list again and again. And felt into it. I asked for guidance. I asked the trees at the river that have become my trusted friends. It was time for me to move again. To get into action.
And that’s where I am at. For now, I am going back to the Netherlands. I wanted to keep this a secret until after I arrived, afraid of other people’s opinions and advice I didn’t want or need, but you know what, I don’t care. My life. My decisions.
For the phase I am in now in my life, the Netherlands is a better place to be for me than the UK. And to be honest, although I love the nature over here, I can find places similar to this in other parts of the world. I would love to explore more before making a decision on where I want to live when I grow up (hihi). I have a place to stay for now, and I am immensely grateful for that, because my biggest fear has been becoming homeless. I will start looking for a paid (part-time) job and a home. And start saving money to get my drivers license and buy a car. That will make Cheyenne happy too, she’s definitely been showing me that!
This feels like such a relief. And more than that, it doesn’t feel like giving up, it doesn’t feel like failure, it feels like opening up to all possibilities, just finding a different route toward the life of my dreams. Because I feel that that ultimate goal is beautiful, but as long as I can’t enjoy the now, only think of that end goal, I am depriving myself of so much. Of so much joy, laughter, love. I am letting go of how I think it should be, or should go, and fully be open to new ways and possibilities. I’ve come to the conclusion that very often I’ve closed doors to opportunities coming my way because they didn’t fit the plan I had for my life and future. My host, Joanne, has been invaluable in this, being a great mirror for me, and changing my perspectives on so many occasions. Always in a loving way, and that was just what I needed. It has been very healing staying here, in many ways.
So, that’s it. I am literally starting from scrap, as I have almost no stuff anymore, and almost no money. I remember asking for a simplified life, but maybe I took it a bit too far. I know now I CAN manifest, that I can attract what I want and ask for, I just wasn’t clear on what it was I truly wanted.
And with this, I also definitely closed down certain parts of my business and decided to dedicate the next 7 year cycle to building up my life as a writer and everything around that. To becoming a nature-writer, creating awareness around nature, the animals, the planet, the environment through showing the beauty of it all. Show what I feel when I am in nature through my writing. Because, what you love, you will take care of.
And I started working on something for my host, Joanne, that’s giving me so much joy that I started thinking about doing freelance work similar to that. And we ran into something that I am very interested in doing: show notes writer for podcasts.
And it made so much sense. All my skills and talents, all my experience, my wide spread interests, my love of learning and language, for writing and reading, my ability to closely listen and filter out the essence, my patience and my perfectionism, they all fall into place in what I am exploring now. I will still need a paid job for proof of income to be able to rent a place, but if I get a part-time job I can do this as freelancer on the side. If you are curious about what I am going to offer, take a look at this page. I am doing some background research on different things, but I am already looking for some people to test this out with, not for free, but for a special fee. I need to start practicing and build up a portfolio and credentials 🙂
And the beauty of this is that I still will have the freedom to write my books, where I can get my creative side and imagination going, without putting the pressure on that being my main income.
I feel very excited about my next steps, a spark in me has ignited, I feel nervous and afraid, but also very loving towards myself and open. I am so proud that I am ready to take care of myself again, to be open to anything that comes my way now. And yes, it will not be easy, but with all I’ve done over the past years, I know I can handle a lot. So, yes, I am ready!
Here’s to my new life!