Angry!

Angry!

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!!!! Warning: if you are the type that only wants to read pink fluffy happy go lucky positive posts, you’d better not read on. This is the opposite of that. !!!!

The last few days I felt so much anger. I was angry at everything and everyone, including myself.

Anger is one of the emotions we would rather not have, but I know by now that when I feel this level of anger I am ready to make a shift, to take real action instead of waiting on others or the “right time”.

A few things triggered me and brought up the anger that had been building up for some time now. I tried to meditate it away, I disconnected from others again. Just being “business-like” and not communicating more than necessary.

The downside is that I usually redirect my anger towards either hurting myself in some way, physically or emotionally, or I start slamming doors and smashing stuff, and in this scaring the pets.

And we now have two very sensitive dogs, that notice what is happening even before I am fully aware of it. Is it one of the reasons they are hardly eating? Who knows.

It doesn’t mean I am angry 24/7, but little things can trigger me, things that would normally not have been such a big issue. And I just blow up.

Most people that know me see me as this gentle, loving and caring person, but this is also a side of me. And usually a sign that I have been holding back for far too long and have let people cross my boundaries repeatedly.

I am most angry with myself for letting it all come this far again. It’s a difficult life lesson for me, apparently.

I am angry with myself for not being content with the life I had. That I had to stir things up, want to move, get a divorce and live my dreams. Why can’t I be like others, just not caring about the environment and the animals, and just live out my life?

But I can’t. Ever since I was a child I had this great love for every living thing. I think humans were included at that time, but I am not sure. Part of me has always been an earth-warrior, but over the years I became an earth-worrier.

The earth, the animals, nature, they are my passion, my reason for living. I never had the need for a normal life, or to have children. I wanted to mean something, do something to help the animals and the planet. I started donating to Greenpeace when I got my first own money. Just last year I cancelled my membership, as my membership to most charities, as I no longer see their use. Things have only gotten worse over the years. And people, well most of them, just don’t seem to care.

They continue to use and abuse the planet and the animals. And each other. And they can be so hypocrite it baffles me every time. Signing petitions against dog meat, only to fire up the barbecue and eat lots of other meat. Or donating to some charity for child abuse and poverty, but buying fast fashion that is made by small children under terrible circumstances. Claiming they want to change the world, make it a better place. Like Michael Jackson said, for you and for me and the entire human race. But what about the planet? Nature? The animals? The environment? People are unbelievably selfish.

Someone told me once that people only start caring about this when they are happy themselves. I couldn’t believe hearing this. Am I not people then? In every decision I make in my life, I consider the impact it has on the planet, the animals, the environment, even other people. It can be done simultaneously, I am proof of it.

But the connection is lost. When I look around me, in the community I live in, when I am travelling, when I am out in nature. People are disconnected. From nature, from other, from themselves. They are giving in to addictions, to distractions to not have to deal with life.

Some addictions are pretty obvious, like drugs, gambling and alcohol, but there are so many more not so obvious ones, like sugars and eating, gambling, medicine, money, shopping, tv, gaming, social media, sex. Probably many more. And then they think it’s strange they get sick and want the medical world to solve it for them. With pills and operations. With coaching and therapy. More and more. Not going inside, only looking for outside solutions. That even have a huge negative effect on animals and the environment!

I’ve never been very sensitive to addictions myself. I did smoke, but one day just quit. I drank some alcohol but never got addicted. I want to experience it all to the max. I even didn’t take anti-depressants when my psychologist advised me to. I only used chemical medicine when I was young, and if nothing natural helped. The last few years I can’t even remember taking a paracetamol. The last flu I had I didn’t take any regular medication.

I’ve been trying to be a messenger on all of this for years, pointing people towards what was going on, giving them messages from the natural world, but it sometimes seems so hopeless. As long as I am in my own world, I can handle things, I feel hope and optimism. But every time I step into society as it is today, I return being depressed and wanting to give up on everything. If even the people closest to me don’t see the need to change, I must be doing it all wrong. So I just want to hide in a cottage somewhere in the woods with my dog and live out my life. I admire people like Jane Goodall and David Attenborough for staying so optimistic. It is hard for me.

The triggers for my anger lately have been numerous. The consumerism by people. The shallow fakeness on social media. The hypocrisy around the Oostvaardersplassen. Politics, especially a certain president on the other side of the world. The move and the divorce, and my almost ex not taking any kind of action towards dealing with things. Everything concerning my mother, and how we deal with life, disease and death. How so little people take responsibilities for their own lives and choices and only know how to point fingers and expect others to solve/fix it for them. Dog-nappers and how they use these animals as bait for dog fighting. Racism. Homophobia. The plastic pollution. And realising we are just modern slaves. Slaves to the system. Slave to consumerism. Modern-day keeping people happy with bread and games. Distracting them from what’s really going on, distracting them from thinking for themselves. The white crisp chocolate bar that my husband bought says on the wrapping: everyday happiness. It really does. I couldn’t believe seeing that. That is what he believes makes him happy. Or they make him believe makes him happy. Sweets, tv and superhero movies. And competitive sports. And complaining. And it’s not just him. I have to get out of here!

Even my quest on trying to find a more meaningful life in harmony with nature is bringing up anger. False freedom. I am not allowed to live, go, and be where I want. Not even who I want. Even getting a divorce is filled with rules and regulations. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want anything out of this, I just want my freedom and live the way I want to.

Last year I’ve been decluttering like crazy (and still have too much stuff) and realised how little we actually need. It’s just been conditioned that we all need this stuff. I don’t want to possess anything anymore. It is on loan from the planet anyway. Nothing’s really mine. I get angry with people that are saying it’s my house (which bank?), my land (wow, from who did you or a previous “landowner” steal it in the first place?), my country (wahahahaha, really), my people (puke). When you really think about it, nothing is ours. Not even our lives.

I started to realise EVERYTHING is conditioned. Our belief systems. Our education. Our health. The way we look at relationships. It’s all a big illusion.

I also started to get angry with this whole positive thinking manifestation movement. If you can’t do it, then there is something wrong with you. What? Wait a minute? Nothing is wrong with me! What if my path or lessons in life are just different? What if, for instance, my biggest lesson in life is how to deal with my anger? What if that is my past life stuff to work through this lifetime?

I started to get angry with all these coaches and therapists out there. Even the so-called spiritual ones. Every time I posted something, at least one person would reply with the limiting belief/blocks thing. I have come to the conclusion that everyone has them, so they really don’t exist, do they? It’s just conditioning and can be unlearned. But stop bashing me with the limiting belief/blocks crap.

I came down from my spiritual is better cloud. It is not. It is just the same, they just name things differently. There is a lot of ego in the spiritual world. And ego is part of all of us, but if ego takes over…brrrr….. Maybe it’s even worse when the cloak of spirituality is put over it.

I started to get triggered by the whole growth and money-loving stuff. That if you don’t do that you don’t think you’re worth it. What? Wait a minute. So, my self-worth is linked to material growth and financial wealth? No way. My self-worth is way more and better than that. And I can’t believe that they don’t realise the message they are giving with this. That you are not worth anything if you are not able to grow in a material or monetary way. No way. My growth lies somewhere else. And money is just a tool. Stop focusing on money! Enough. Only (modern) people use money. No other animal does. Indigenous tribes don’t. They say money is energy, well, then I want to change the energy around money. But not in the way they want.

And the animals. Oh, I so admire them. They still believe in humans. I wish I had their positive attitude, I really do. They are even willing to sacrifice themselves to help us grow (and no, not material/financial growth!). But everything we do to them, it hurts my soul, my very essence. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit on parties and other events where meat is served freely, as if this was the only thing people eat. I keep seeing the animals that had to suffer for it. With every piece of meat I see on a plate. Or fish. Or other animals. I just can’t do it anymore. Please don’t invite me anymore. If you can still eat meat without your conscience acting up, go ahead, but don’t force it on me anymore. I am done.

And all this “fashion” in animals, especially cats and dogs. How they are bread to look certain ways. Not realising what it does to their health. And if they are not perfect, they will hear it the rest of their lives. Imagine what this does to the poor animal. I know, I’ve heard I wasn’t wanted most of my life, so I know how much this hurts. Just love them for who they are, not how they look, or how good they are at something.

The same goes for humans of course. Just love each other for who you are, not for how you look, what you do. Stop trying to live up to those horrible standards. Stop thinking you are only beautiful when you wear makeup, wear that specific brand of clothing. Or that you are only worth something if you are in a relationship. Especially women. Think of the message you give to your daughters.

I could go on and on about the things that bother me, trigger me, make me aggressive.

I am most of all angry with myself, for never speaking up. For always staying when I feel I want to walk away because I don’t feel at ease. For letting everybody think I am this easy going loving and caring person, whilst underneath a volcano is about to explode. For not daring to say to people that I don’t really want them as a friend, because I am afraid of hurting their feelings. But in this, I am hurting myself. For not saying to them that we actually aren’t a good match, regarding core-values and beliefs. I even held on in my marriage for way too long. Even when we grew apart further and further.

He says I have changed. Well, I actually haven’t. I’ve just returned to myself again, and my core beliefs and values. And he is not a match in that. And that is perfectly fine. Time to move on.

I am angry with myself for not daring to speak up and out to teachers, coaches and more. How many times I’ve redirected my frustrations on this to hurting myself, or smashing stuff. Easy going and tolerant. Yeah right. I have very strong opinions, I just stopped sharing them at one point. Probably in my teens, when I for some reason wanted to fit in. Or someone said I should think before I speak. What was I thinking? No more of that.

I am changing. I feel the need to change. To no longer hold back. To just act in the moment, and let it out. To not let it go this far again. No wonder my liver and gallbladder are my most sensitive organs. All this unspoken anger and frustration. Time for change.

I am enough. I am a wonderful, beautiful, magnificent being. I am one with nature. I am one with Source. I am larger than life. I am just as I am supposed to be.

Much love? Yes, still much love,

Diana

 

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