Back again

Back again

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I’ve been torn these last few weeks. Torn between my heart and soul and my mind. My mind is telling me to be responsible, look for a daytime job, and rent a place. My mind is telling me to stay in The Netherlands and live the ordinary life, be there for my mother, support others on their paths. My mind is telling me a lot of should haves. I should have worked harder on my marriage, I should have adapted more. Be happy with what I had. Be content.

But my heart and soul are telling me a very different story. To finally choose me. To go for it. To live the life of my dreams. To pack up my stuff, move to the land I love and build a new life. To step into my role as bringer of Earth Medicine, to reconnect people to nature in all it’s beauty. To play my part in this healing journey of humanity and the planet. It’s the dreamer in me, the idealist, the hopeless romantic. It is not to be selfish, but to create an extraordinary life, to realise my dreams, to take care of my own needs, fill my own cup and find that place in nature that I have always dreamed of.

Leaving the house of my ex-husband for good brought on a lot of grief. Over a lost life, saying goodbye to one of the dogs and the cats. Especially that last bit has been heartbreaking for me. And right now I am actually kind of missing my old life, even miss my ex-husband. Not that I want him back, but it’s more that everything I knew is now really over. The comfort. The familiar. And choosing me, moving to the UK, would mean I would not get to see them much. As with friends and family. Telling my mother I was going to the UK put her into an even deeper victim mode. She doesn’t understand, and who is going to take care of her, and this will kill her. She’s lost everything and I am going to make it worse. And yes, part of me understands that, and it is the part of me that has been thinking, okay, I will wait and move once she has passed. But that might take a long time. Too long to fulfil the promise I made to myself and Cheyenne. To create a life of love and ease and joy. The picture on top of this blog is of her in the UK, I asked her if she was happy and this was the face she gave me. I miss that face. So, for both our sakes, I just have to choose following my heart and soul. This once. My mind has been leading for far too long now. Like 40 years or so…..

But when I came here to the house sitting address, I was still in the mode of finding a temporary home and job in the Netherlands. Looking into the options and inquiring after prices and such however really got me down. Depressed actually. To the point I asked my ex if he would take Cheyenne back so I could find something on my own. Or maybe even leave this Earth. For good. Because at that point I was so fed up with life, society, rules and regulations, a money based society, that I had no more self-worth left.

So I journaled, meditated and more. And every time moving to the UK came to the surface. Even my ex said that he had not seen me and Cheyenne ever happier then over there. More tears. More releasing. So, I reached out to the person I stayed with earlier and she is giving me the option to start from her place. Stay there for a few months and build up from there. So, I looked into what was needed practically for that. Again, rules, regulations. And then came the procrastinating. On everything. On finishing my book. On looking for a way of income. The last bit of income I had is paused, as the one I co-create that with is just like me building up a new life. And we need our time and energy for that. So, the Universe is clearly giving me a message on that.

I am staying at a friends house at the moment, while they are away on an amazing trip to Canada. I needed to do this, to be here. To figure out even more. Because I still had living in a city and housesitting as options for ways of living. I now know I could never live in a city. And neither can Cheyenne. It is just too overwhelming for us country gals. Too much noise, too busy, too much pollution (in every form), no connection. People are not very friendly, always running, and living in their phone. Yes, the upside is that transport is easier, and shops nearby. But I would never thrive in a city. It would be a constant state of survival for us. And even with transport nearby, I am turning into a hermit! I don’t want to leave the house, and neither does Cheyenne. Housesitting is fine for now, but not an option in the long run. I now know I would love a place of my own. Not buying perse, but a place to call home where I can have my own stuff. I have no desire for a big home anymore or owning lots of stuff, but still. I also would love the freedom to do as I please. I have a vision of the place I would love and I know it is out there. I am learning how to receive, that has never been my strong point either, so I am inviting all of this in.

Transport is a constant “thing” for me. Travelling by public transport is ok, and I love trains, but not with Cheyenne. And not in the Netherlands. Overall the difference of being with a dog in the Netherlands or in the UK is huge. Almost nobody over here greets her, and more often look at her like she is a nuisance. And it is getting to us. I have been very mad at myself for not getting my drivers license when I could. Because I now am facing the consequences of that. It’s not that I didn’t try, or couldn’t drive, let’s say I have not been lucky with trying to get it. In the Netherlands it is not so easy to get a drivers license and very expensive. The money is the reason why I had to stop previous times, I just ran out. Because of all of that I thought it just wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t fit in with my ideals and values. It didn’t fit into my world of caring for the environment and the planet. But still, when living in the UK a drivers license would be handy. Cycling is not really an option there, that is very different from the Netherlands. And also because the trains are pretty expensive compared to the Netherlands. So, I have been looking at getting it, but the costs are just too much for me at this time. Moving to the UK will not change that for now, as over there I need to be a resident with my own address to be able to get it. So, even though it is kind of a priority, creating income and finding a place of my own are more important at this time. I do get tired of being dependant on others for transport though. It’s not freedom. But for now I have to overcome that part.

I’ve found an option to get some of my stuff over to the UK at a reasonable cost, it is something that was created for students, but they also offer their services for other people that are going abroad for a longer period of time. So, that will solve the problem of getting my stuff over there, because I have to travel by boat and train again with Cheyenne.

Basically, right now, I have made enquiries about most of the practical stuff, like health insurance and so on, I know I can stay in the UK for 6 months without a problem. I am getting Cheyenne’s rabies shot sorted out, because that would expire around the time I would go back to the UK. My friend has set some very agreeable terms for living with her. And I am actually ready to go. After the housesitting here and with someone else I can leave. Nothing is stopping me now but me. And my fears. And my what ifs. I am already having ideas around creating income, and am totally open to receiving income through various channels. Of being flexible. It’s the what ifs now, my mind trying to stop me. But when I start feeling into it, I really, really, really want to live in the UK.

My mind is at war with my heart and soul at times, but what I do now is show my mind the images of how it would feel to live the life of my dreams. I show my mind the pictures of how we felt when we were in the UK, walking on the moors, standing on top of hills, walking along rivers and lakes, being at the seaside. The overwhelming feeling of love, joy, peace, calm and inspiration I get when I am there. When my feet touch the land. That has never happened to me in the Netherlands. It is the feeling of coming home. I think I have been homesick for a long, long time. Probably ever since I’ve been to the UK the first time. When I was 15 or something. With school. And that was London, not even the countryside. My heart is there. Every time I go there a part of me is left behind. Calling for the rest of me to come over. And yes, I will run into some of the same things as I do over here. People are still people, governments, rules and regulations are everywhere. It will not be easy at times. A different culture, away from friends and family. The feeling of guilt on my shoulders about my mother. It will not go away. But the calling of the land is too big. I can no longer deny it. My heart and soul are bound with that land. That always inspires me, makes me feel loved, wanted. I no longer feel the need to explain this feeling, if you have never experienced it yourself it cannot be explained. I do feel it is now or never, also with Brexit in mind. I don’t want to reach the end of my life not having done this, forever wondering what it would have been like. Forever longing. I owe it to myself, my heart, my soul, and to Cheyenne. My mind will follow.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

p.s.: I am going to get my business, HeartMessages, going again, I am going to create some amazing things, just a bit more patience. And my book will get out there, but as with every good book, takes time to create 🙂 As you may have noticed by now I am not the quick fix kind of type. I share a lot of my daily insights and pull cards and more in my free Facebook group, so maybe you might want to join me and other beautiful souls there!

 

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