Yesterday I turned 50. In this life for half a century. Wow. I made it. Loads of people don’t make it this far. But I did. I should celebrate it.
I did celebrate. I booked a weekend at a hotel in the woods, just for some me-time with Cheyenne and the trees. No big party. Because that just isn’t me. And I am finally learning to fully accept me and not listen to the how it should be sayers.
But, to be honest, I also didn’t feel like celebrating big for many other reasons. Here I am. 50. Living with my ex trying to be invisible as much as possible as not to bother him. Working a job that is challenging in so many ways. In the little free time I do have worry about the situation with my mother, cooking, eating, cleaning and sleeping.
There are not many joyful things in my life right now. Cheyenne has become so sound sensitive that even here in the woods she still can’t fully relax, especially outside. Every sound that even remotely resembles shooting is too much for her. Every screaming child. Every car or motorcycle with exhaust pipes that make loud noises. She is on alert all of the time. Letting her walk off leash is almost impossible at this time. And that makes me sad, I miss her beautiful face from when we were in the UK. Before hunting season started. Her eating pattern is so weird that I’ve just let it go. As long as she eats something every few days I am fine. She eats snacks, so if I make those healthy snacks, we are ok-ish. I am helping her in any way I can, but we are probably too similar. Overwhelmed by the human loudness.
So, instead of being outdoors, what I had hoped, we are spending lots of time indoors. Adjusting again. Because again I had expectations.
It seems to be one of the themes of the year for me. Letting go of every kind of expectation, dream, even hope. Not making it in the UK has probably been the most heartbreaking event for me in years. I’ve had my fair share of pain, loss and grief, but somehow this felt like my heart literally broke. And made me feel like a massive failure. On every level in my life. As a dog mom, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a business woman. I’ve taken bold steps over the last few years. Following my heart. Because that was the only way to go.
Well, clearly following my heart is not my way. I need my mind to co-operate with my heart. I wasn’t born with this mind for nothing, and I ignored it completely. Because positive thinking, law of attraction, all that shit. Well, it didn’t work for me, and even made it worse. Because I clearly was doing it wrong, and that is something I have always been afraid of. Doing “it” wrong.
So, here I am. With nothing. With nobody. Well, actually, I do have some people that still care, and I love them for it, but overall I feel I am very done with humans in general. For several reasons that I won’t go into right now, but at this time I feel much better being on my own than being around (most) people. And I am not alone, don’t mistake being on my own for being alone. I am just so tired of interacting with (most) people. Both in real life as on social media.
People always have to talk. Always have to judge. Always have to label. Yes, I need to learn to love and accept myself completely and fully, but this human world we have created is just sick. We just can’t let each other be, we want to change, fix, heal. We want to mould and brainwash others into our ways, that’s much easier. I’ve done it myself, so I am equally guilty. Oh, how I wish for a world without religion, without governments, without labels. And in saying that I can’t other just be who they are. It’s a paradox isn’t it? But being a fan of history and watching history programs and reading about human history, well… not much has changed. History repeats. I feel we are a flaw in evolution. That our minds have actually devolved. And the things that may make humans even remotely likeable, the arts, are being terribly underrated. Society is sick and I don’t see that change very soon.
If someone would ask me how I feel right now? I feel my answer would be tired. Very tired. Of all the struggles, of all the walls I keep running into. Tired of failing at everything and with everyone. Tired of trying to live up to things that are not real or realistic.
Right now I have to finish my book. But it’s not that easy. Writing this book has caused a lot of stirring within me and caused me to make changes. Some of which I truly regret. Writing this book has shown me that I don’t belong anywhere. I am not an author. I am not an artist. I am not an entrepreneur. I am not a therapist. And actually, I don’t want to fit in anywhere. I just want to be me. In this uncaring world of pretending, faking, judging, competition and labelling, I just want to be me.
Who is me? Me feels at home in nature. Me feels grounded around trees. Me feels happy on a windy beach. Me feels happy when my dog is happy. Me likes beautiful music, art, movies. Me loves to cry over those. Me loves living life at a slow pace. Me love newborns, who are still pure and open. Me can fall in love with a bumblebee. Me feels so good in nature and with animals because I can fully be me. I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to defend, I don’t have to talk. I can just be.
I don’t know what I am going to do with the years I have left in this life. I am afraid of setting any kind of goals, of dreaming about anything. I would like to get my driver’s license for a little more freedom to go where I want to go, I would love a place of my own. But. As it is now, I am just trying to make the most of it all. I don’t know if I can handle another disappointment. I am trying to stay open and curious, but I must admit that’s not easy. I don’t think I believe in dreams, life purpose, destiny anymore. Unless it is to just be. But ever since I was young, I thought I was meant for something “else”, it’s one of the reasons I never had children. But maybe the meaning of life is just to have children. Just like the other animals. I don’t know anymore. And I actually don’t want to know.
The deepest darkness has passed, and believe me, I’ve had many days where I seriously considered leaving this life, because I felt so useless. As I still don’t feel I have any purpose, for now I am just there for my dog and for my sister. And learning to be there for me. And maybe to live a life more in harmony with the planet, so that when I am done this lifetime, I at least will not have a regret regarding my treatment of her and my fellow non-human beings. I will probably keep a low profile for the rest of my days, just because I can’t deal with all of it anymore. It’s ok. I don’t need fixing, I don’t need people to tell me what to do, I need to learn to fully accept me, and where I am at. And I need people in my life that don’t want to fix, heal or change me.
I am done with any kind of “way” of living, be it spiritual, be it the opposite. I’ve been there, seen that, done that, got the t-shirt. I will also not adopt a yolo-lifestyle, because I feel that is very damaging to the planet too. And if you believe in everything being connected, imagine the impact of that attitude on everything and everyone else. Making your one life count doesn’t mean trashing the place that provides you with everything you need. But, I no longer feel the need to be an advocate for any of that, I feel that’s up to the generations to come.
So, I guess this is a kind of goodbye blog for now. I will let you know when my book is coming out, probably the only book that I will ever publish. I just want to live out the rest of my life in peace. I thank everyone that has been following me over the years, and I hope you will have all you hope and dream of.