There I was. Walking through the empty house. The house we lived in for about fourteen years. The house we had beautiful experiences, the house where we had to say goodbye to beloved pets and welcomed in new ones. The house where we got married in. The house that served us on this part of our journey together.
I felt warm tears falling down my face. It had been a very intense week. Moving into a new, temporary home. The flu taking hold of my system. Everything around my mother. Like the house, I felt empty and hollow. What now? What would my next steps be?
I felt how tired I really was. I knew that I probably needed a few days to just rest and get myself together.
But I couldn’t. The flu wouldn’t let me rest. This “new” place feels off. Our relationship very awkward. No-man’s-land. That’s how I feel. I feel numb. Emotionless. Or I don’t know what or how to feel.
I can’t take the next steps in a practical way, I don’t have money for those. We are waiting for things to finalise around our mortgage. Only then can we set in the divorce and I can see what is possible for me, and how long the money will last me.
And we don’t talk, we never really did. It is one of our problems, we don’t communicate. We can’t. We both never learned how to, and we end up blaming each other, making it into a competition of being right and wrong. Repeating the things we don’t like about each other over and over again. Never talking about the love that probably must have been there. The things we did like and appreciate about each other. We are just too different. In every possible way. And I? For the sake of peace and quiet, I sacrificed a lot of my dreams and hopes. No conflict. I’ve seen enough of that, no more arguing or conflict.
The visit with my mother to the hospital also brought up a lot of old pain and grief. For me and my sister. And how our lives had become about taking care of her and others. Everyone but ourselves. Our mother, our partners, children, pets, friends, colleagues. We both felt lost.
I feel lost. I don’t know what to do, where to go. Everybody around me tells me to take my time, take some rest, get clarity. But I can’t. Not in this situation.
People are giving me tips for living options. Like workaround, house- and pet sitting. All great ideas, but the biggest problem with these is that I still will be taking care of others, other things. And I am so tired of doing that. That stupid feeling of responsibility for everything, everyone, the planet, the environment. Everything and everyone but myself.
So, I really need a way of living where I choose me. Totally me. Without feeling guilty or selfish. Without feeling I am not worthy of that.
Walking through that empty house, so symbolic. Failure. That I couldn’t make my marriage work. That I can’t think and be “like others”. That I want something different. That I want to be part of a change, a movement that will change the system. Because I no longer conform to the system. The way our society is built.
I felt like a failure in my business. It never brought me what I hoped it would. Freedom, being of real influence, making a difference.
Freedom, what is that. Free of relationships, free of stuff, free of responsibilities. Free of fears of judgment from others.
Desires, yes, I have them. Just as others, but not as others. My dreams and wishes are far from average. My dreams are not for a big house or a lot of money. In fact, my dreams are not very material at all. They are much more about experiencing. The stuff, the money, they all keep me a prisoner of the system.
Freedom, I really don’t live in freedom. I just think I do. Modern slave to the system. Yes, more freedom than in other countries, but it’s a false sense of freedom. I am not free.
I want to explore different ways of living, of being. But the rules and regulations don’t make it easy.
Money, the other thing that keeps me prisoner. And manifesting. Thinking positive and in infinite possibilities. What I want to manifest is very different, not at all about a lot of money or possessions. I want to manifest other things. Peace. A healthy relationship with the planet. People really connecting with each other. A new system. A different economy.
I want to be able to freely speak my mind, sing and dance, wear what I want, eat what I want, without all those bloody opinions from others. I just want to be left alone in that sense.
Lost, empty, hollow. I am letting it all be there, I just hope that at one point I will start feeling a sense of hope and direction again. I need to be here, this is the ultimate reset. Stripped of everything I once felt was important. To be able to really find out what makes my heart sing.
As I sat there in that empty house, I wondered if I would miss anything. I knew I wouldn’t, I am not that attached to houses and things. Not even to people. And then I looked at the garden, and I realised I would miss the birds, the bumblebees, the frogs and salamanders, the dragonflies. I would miss the hawthorn in bloom, the baby birds in spring. I would miss the swifts announcing spring had really started, and summer was around the corner. I would miss the pair of swans that found each other because of me. I would miss the feelings of hope and love I felt living here. The celebrations and the goodbyes. The first pears and apples from the garden. And how I did try. I tried so hard to make it all work. My marriage, my friendships, to fit into the local community.
I wonder if I ever will have a feeling or sense of belonging. I probably need to feel a sense of belonging to myself first of all. I do love nature, I do feel that connection, every time I set foot in a forest. Every time I connect to a tree or an animal. And as long as I don’t feel that connection to myself, I will probably never be able to truly connect with my own species.
Time to find my inner sun again.