The end of 2018 is nearing. And I am taking time to reflect, look back, see what worked and what didn’t. What the lessons were. What my growth was.
I’ve been going through my diary, through my journals (as far as I have them with me), and I have reread the blogs I shared this year.
Yesterday I had a rough day after going through all of them. I wanted to do some exercises to release all that happened. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t release. I felt that the dream I dreamed slowly was shattering. That it was time for me to get real. To just give it all up. I cried. I asked my host to pull me a card. The card said: Life is a river of dreams. Simply relax and enjoy the journey. I cried. Again.
Today I took a little break from it all and decided to do what I do best when I feel overwhelmed by life: write. Because words, especially in the written form, are my ways of releasing, of reflecting, or processing what happened.
Looking back at the process that started the day my ex-husband and I decided to split up, I realised I most of all have been in the process of letting go, releasing, and grieving. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as the last year. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much doubt, fear and panic as last year. I’ve been so hard and tough on myself. But I also don’t think I’ve ever been so brave and more proud of myself than last year.
Last week, after a tapping session, I posted something in my free group, with a picture of myself that showed me post-intense crying, and it was purely meant as saying that all is allowed to be there. That life is not always happy, not always roses. It was merely a statement, but the comments on it made me feel even worse! At one point I stopped reading the comments and decided to delete the post. As much as I know the comments were well meant, it wasn’t my intention of the post to get a load of advise and tips about my life.
I do realise, also through reading through my published blogs, I mostly share about my shadow side. And that might paint a picture of someone who is constantly struggling. Constantly grieving. Constantly in pain. And part of me is. But, as my host kindly pointed out, they don’t see you every day. They don’t see the light side of you. And I often don’t write about that. Well, I do, in my journals and such, but not often in my blogs and posts on Facebook.
Because, although last year has been a rough year, no doubt about that, there have been amazing moments, of learning, of growth, of laughter. Of freeing myself from old patterns and beliefs. I did have celebrations. Loads of them!
Although everything is very uncertain at this time, I am in the UK! Right now, I am in the country I most wanted to be. That was part of my dream. I am living in an area that is amazingly beautiful and relatively peaceful. I have people I can talk to, share my feelings with. I am with the dog I so deeply love. I have a roof over my head, I can still eat, and for now I am ok. I am enjoying nature walks almost every day. That was part of my wish list! Being able to walk in nature every day!
But, that doesn’t take away that realising my dreams is not easy. The way I envisioned my life to be, and still do, is asking a lot of patience and adjusting. And with my financial reserves almost gone, I do know I need to start taking some kind of action. And because everything around my business feels so hard, I am opening up to other ways of producing income. Or other ways of money coming to me. Maybe even start a crowd-funding. Help Diana and Cheyenne through the winter! Just kidding, but who knows.
When I look back at my original dream, I have already made adjustments to it, like being open to getting a drivers license now and a car. To live in a “normal” house instead of a tiny house or an eco-community. But, I still want that cabin like house near a lake, with woods nearby. Ideally I still would love to get an income from writing. And I am now open to meeting someone, in the romantic kind of way. But, to keep all options open, I am also looking at things I like doing and seeing if I can get income from that. And if that will be in the UK? Time will tell. I promised myself to for now enjoy my time here. All we have is now anyway.
I am taking some time “off”, like a little Christmas holiday. I need that. Do things I really love, reading, watching episodes of Time Team on Youtube, listening to music, being outdoors, and writing of course. Doing research for the Healing Circle and the Medicine Way. I’ve been procrastinating on those big time, because I was trying to promote my business and myself again.
I’ve been trying so hard again. In fact, I have been trying hard all my life. I’ve never been open to letting life come to me. Be open to letting things come in. I know this has to do with trust. Trust in life. Trust in the Universe. Trust in myself. Trust in my intuition. Trust in my dreams. I am working on that right now. On those trust issues.
I’ve always been a dreamer, I loved daydreaming. I’ve been a hopeless romantic for many years, dreaming of “mr. right” to come along. Long have I thought my ex-husband was the one. Long have I hoped and wished for that to be true. Long after our divorce I hoped for some kind of recognition for our time together, for some sort of sign that he did once love me, or that he cared how I was doing now. I’ve released that now.
I feel that with everything that has passed this last year, I stopped dreaming. Or was afraid to dream. I had to face the challenges of every day life. Of losing everything, even if most of it was by choice.
But, I’ve also gained so much. Had amazing experiences. Met inspiring (new) people. Was able to be many times. Just be.
I will start dreaming again, allow myself to daydream. Let the creativity come into my life. The trust that it will all work out. As it always has in my life so far. I have no reason to believe it will not work out. That’s my fear speaking. And my bank account. And my disappointments as an entrepreneur. But when I see the amazing opportunities given to me this past year I am very grateful, and I find myself to be a little more trusting.
I am ready to let go of 2018, of all that has passed. Ready to get going with my dreams again. To never loose faith in my dreams. Look where I am right now. It may not be quite what I dreamed of yet, but it comes pretty darn close. So I celebrate that for sure.
Much love, signing off for 2018 with gratitude and grace and wishing myself and everyone a wonderful 2019
Diana and Cheyenne.