I’ve been back in the Netherlands for a little over a week now. And it’s like I’ve been unliving for that week. I’ve been feeling so much that I actually felt numb.
My three and a half months in the UK suddenly seemed like a dream, and now I had woken up into the harsh reality of life.
All the positivity I had built up there, the strength, the self-love, the feelings of self-worth….. Gone… It started somewhere halfway across the North-Sea. It was like somebody pulled the plug and all that I had built up vortexed out into the ocean.
And it didn’t stop. I know that just before I left I said I could make it anywhere because I felt at home with myself. And I really believed that. But you know what. It did matter. Where I lived. I’ve experienced it over and over again, when I am in the UK I feel stronger and more inspired. As soon as I get back to the Netherlands I loose all of that. And it’s not the UK per se, but more the land. My body literally hurts more in the Netherlands, my joints. Everything. Retaining fluids again. The membranes in my nose got overloaded with air pollution, and I got overwhelmed with the noisiness, the business, the lights, the people.
I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone to be honest. But I did. I fell back into old patterns and habits. The big R took over again. I did housecleaning, visited my mother, started looking for possibilities for work and living. And it drained me even more. I looked at my financial situation. I felt small again. Like I owe everything to my ex who is letting me stay here once again, and not asking for any money for it. He was the big rescuer once again, like he was when we first met, and I was the helpless maiden. But, as we are no longer a couple, I just made myself as invisible as possible this time. Not to bother him or his routine.
And the weather didn’t help. In order to experience real English weather, I apparently had to return to the Netherlands. And while I am writing this, it is grey, windy and very rainy outside. I haven’t been outside much this week. I didn’t feel like it. I so terribly miss the woods, the trees, the river. The view from the lodge. And yes, there are woods and more in the Netherlands, but they are “dead”. I can’t explain it, it’s a feeling. And I don’t have the means to get there anyway at this time.
I miss sharing ideas and conversations with my former host, just being able to talk about so many things because there was mutual understanding. On so many levels. It’s been a long time since I had experienced that, and gave me back a little trust in people. And yes, I can still talk to her, but it is not the same.
As I said, I felt so much that I actually felt numb. I wasn’t even able to cry. Nothing. I didn’t know what to do.
Yes, I loved seeing Scotty, Luna and Toendra again, that sure was a highlight. And my sister and nieces. But for the rest? I just wanted to go live under a rock. Disappear. I felt worthless, not contributing in any way to this world, this society. Have you ever felt like that? It’s one of the worst feelings in the world.
I actually wasn’t in a good place to start looking for work and housing, because of course, in this energy, I saw everything as negative and impossible. It just didn’t feel right. But, the pressure of being almost out of money, this being a temporary solution made me do it anyway. And also because I apparently don’t apply for any sort of benefits, social discounts, or urgency for living. If I didn’t have this option where I am living now, I would be homeless. The rules are driving me mad.
And then came anger. Angry about the situation I was in. Angry at myself, for being a failure on so many levels. For putting myself in this situation. For the first time in my life I felt regret. Regrets about so many things I did, or didn’t do, in my life. I didn’t feel like journaling, meditating, tapping, reaching out for help. Nothing. I just felt nothing worked, that apparently I didn’t deserve the life of my dreams. Whatever that may be, because I really don’t know the answer to that last one anymore.
And because I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for the situation I am in, I just blamed the Universe. Life itself. I felt like giving up. And part of me still does. Because I don’t feel like I have much to look forward to. All the spiritual blabla suddenly felt like crap, what was I thinking. I saw every post on Social Media as some sort of black mail for the soul. If you don’t do this you won’t get that. What a load of crap. And everybody is an expert at other people’s lives apparently. No, I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I am done with it.
But, I also want to move out of this victim mode. To kick myself in the but, and realise how lucky I’ve been in life so far. How help was always there when I really needed it. How I’ve never been without a roof over my head, or food on the table (although that is getting a bit tricky by now). I know that I have to take steps and action towards the future. And that I will have to just give in to the system for now. Because I’ve tried other options and they didn’t work for me. And maybe by getting back into the system the opportunities I’ve been waiting for will reveal themselves. But, I first need something to live for. And preferably that needs to be me. I don’t want to put the pressure on anyone else again for that, including my pets. Because that’s what happened the first time I was in a situation like this. I had a dog I lived for. I need to learn to live for me now, and for life itself. Not for anyone or anything else.
I do realise my lessons in this life are all about that, because I have never been abused (especially not physically) or assaulted, I’ve had relative good health up till now, I have my dog with me, I’ve always had friends. And maybe there are a few people out there that do care about me for me, and not just for what I can do for them. But, right now, that doesn’t matter. I need to care about me for me. I know I am not the easiest person to be around (also not for myself!), with my sudden dark moods, but they are a part of me. And what I’ve learned over time is that these periods of depression will pass. But only if I allow them to be there. To give them the attention and light they deserve. Because that’s also who I am.
Still, staying in the UK the past few months, has also shown me my other sides, how I can also be. The sides I had forgotten. How I love to laugh, how I have this internal jukebox, how I have this amazing connection to nature and animals, how I do have a sense of humour, how I love music, and singing and dancing. Watching good movies and share nice meals. To have deep meaningful conversations about life, only to end on a funny note. These sides don’t always show through my writing, and I know they are also very welcome to show their face, also for me. But to be honest, I’ve had a crappy few last years, and I created it all myself. I had a glimpse of how it can be, so there is this shimmer of hope. And that shimmer will help me take the necessary action steps for now. To find a job that will give me proof of income to get that place of my own. So I won’t have to pretend anymore. Or hide as to not be a bother. I am very much looking forward to living on my own, well with Cheyenne. And get my drivers license and a car so I can move around more freely. Without feeling the constant dependancy on others for that. And it doesn’t matter that others offer it “freely”, it bothers me. I don’t like that feeling.
But, I also have to be careful not to go into expectations again, and just let the opportunities come in. Part of me still wants to control everything, and if there’s anything I’ve learned in my life so far, is that control is a hoax. There’s no such thing.
But, where you live does matter. It did matter. There is such a thing as land that nourishes the soul. I am not talking about manmade countries or cultures, I am talking about the land. The land that doesn’t belong to anyone and to everyone. And I know now, that the Netherlands, especially this part of the Netherlands, is not in alignment with my soul, so it’s hard work for me to feel good, positive and optimistic, to be inspired. I can’t explain it, I think you only know how it feels once you’ve experienced it. So, for now, hard work to get back to land that does inspire me.