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After the little “r”

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So, there I was. Decided to take care of the little “r” first. Of little me. I had decided. And now what? (if you haven’t read that blog, read it first, then this blog will make a lot more sense).

How do I do that? Take care of me? I just didn’t know. I had forgotten. I felt so lost. My whole body was feeling tense, I started overthinking and over-worrying. It didn’t help that Cheyenne didn’t want to go out with me anymore and didn’t trust me because I had a little falling out with her. She is so afraid of the sounds of shooting out here, and it’s almost every day. At first I went on my walks without her, feeling proud of myself taking care of my little “r”. That worked the first few times and then I started missing her. This wasn’t right. We were meant to do this together. These were the visions I had. And because my mood was getting darker and darker, she also started to cling more to my host, making things even worse. It was all my energy. I know that. I was falling away again.

Also, peri-menopause decided to just kick in, giving me physical symptoms I had to adjust to. And making me realise I had been letting the sugars into my diet way too much again.

Anyway, it all went down hill. I still was doing the rebirth program with Lee Harris, and that gave me even deeper insights. On what was going on. And that wasn’t easy either. About relationships, about speaking my truth, open and loving communication.

It wasn’t easy for my host, or for the energy in here in general, I was in the midst of a raging internal thunderstorm. I didn’t want to reach out or ask for help, because I knew I wouldn’t be open to any kind of help anyway. I know that when I have something like this going on, all I can do is turn inwards, journal, process, meditate. Allowing the storm to rage, and try not to hurt anyone nearby. I feel deeply, I love deeply, so I also feel that darkness deeply.

My host had asked me to do something for her, and that helped me get through it, because I really liked doing it. It got my mind off things a little bit. Focus on something else for a while, shifting my attention and energy. And the qigong practice that came with the rebirth program also helped, because I had lost my yoga practice (it didn’t feel right for my body anymore).

When I was at the deepest point of my “now what?”, also because things around staying in the UK just weren’t working out for me, I decided to take a new look at a list I had made in 2018. A list of wishes and desires. Of what truly brought me joy, and what made my heart and soul sing. I looked at what I missed from my old life. I compiled a new list. And came to the conclusion there are three things I needed most at this point in my life: money, a roof over my head that I can call home and easy accessible transport. And I looked at this list again and again. And felt into it. I asked for guidance. I asked the trees at the river that have become my trusted friends. It was time for me to move again. To get into action.

And that’s where I am at. For now, I am going back to the Netherlands. I wanted to keep this a secret until after I arrived, afraid of other people’s opinions and advice I didn’t want or need, but you know what, I don’t care. My life. My decisions.

For the phase I am in now in my life, the Netherlands is a better place to be for me than the UK. And to be honest, although I love the nature over here, I can find places similar to this in other parts of the world. I would love to explore more before making a decision on where I want to live when I grow up (hihi). I have a place to stay for now, and I am immensely grateful for that, because my biggest fear has been becoming homeless. I will start looking for a paid (part-time) job and a home. And start saving money to get my drivers license and buy a car. That will make Cheyenne happy too, she’s definitely been showing me that!

This feels like such a relief. And more than that, it doesn’t feel like giving up, it doesn’t feel like failure, it feels like opening up to all possibilities, just finding a different route toward the life of my dreams. Because I feel that that ultimate goal is beautiful, but as long as I can’t enjoy the now, only think of that end goal, I am depriving myself of so much. Of so much joy, laughter, love. I am letting go of how I think it should be, or should go, and fully be open to new ways and possibilities. I’ve come to the conclusion that very often I’ve closed doors to opportunities coming my way because they didn’t fit the plan I had for my life and future. My host, Joanne, has been invaluable in this, being a great mirror for me, and changing my perspectives on so many occasions. Always in a loving way, and that was just what I needed. It has been very healing staying here, in many ways.

So, that’s it. I am literally starting from scrap, as I have almost no stuff anymore, and almost no money. I remember asking for a simplified life, but maybe I took it a bit too far. I know now I CAN manifest, that I can attract what I want and ask for, I just wasn’t clear on what it was I truly wanted.

And with this, I also definitely closed down certain parts of my business and decided to dedicate the next 7 year cycle to building up my life as a writer and everything around that. To becoming a nature-writer, creating awareness around nature, the animals, the planet, the environment through showing the beauty of it all. Show what I feel when I am in nature through my writing. Because, what you love, you will take care of.

And I started working on something for my host, Joanne, that’s giving me so much joy that I started thinking about doing freelance work similar to that. And we ran into something that I am very interested in doing: show notes writer for podcasts.

And it made so much sense. All my skills and talents, all my experience, my wide spread interests, my love of learning and language, for writing and reading, my ability to closely listen and filter out the essence, my patience and my perfectionism, they all fall into place in what I am exploring now. I will still need a paid job for proof of income to be able to rent a place, but if I get a part-time job I can do this as freelancer on the side. If you are curious about what I am going to offer, take a look at this page. I am doing some background research on different things, but I am already looking for some people to test this out with, not for free, but for a special fee. I need to start practicing and build up a portfolio and credentials 🙂

And the beauty of this is that I still will have the freedom to write my books, where I can get my creative side and imagination going, without putting the pressure on that being my main income.

I feel very excited about my next steps, a spark in me has ignited, I feel nervous and afraid, but also very loving towards myself and open. I am so proud that I am ready to take care of myself again, to be open to anything that comes my way now. And yes, it will not be easy, but with all I’ve done over the past years, I know I can handle a lot. So, yes, I am ready!

Here’s to my new life!

Much love,

Diana

The little “r”

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My end of the year blog. As writing is and always will be my way of expressing myself. For myself and for others.

It has been an intense year for me, I’ve said it many times this last month. And it has. And I am no longer labelling it as good or bad, because everything has been a part of being where I am at today.

The last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about life purpose, of having a (bigger) vision and mission in life. Ever since I was a teenager, or maybe even as a kid, I felt I was meant for something big(ger). I wanted to make some sort of impact on the world around me. Be part of the big change.

I’ve always felt this bigger purpose in life was all about being an advocate or voice for the animals, nature, the planet. And I still believe that. But, everything I tried in that area never felt enough, and I was held back by upbringing to go on real great adventures on this.

Life has had interesting twists and turns for me anyway, and although I never had anything really bad happen to me personally, I did watch a lot of pain and sorrow around me. And that’s where something started to change. I wanted to help. To be of service for those in pain and sorrow. Make it better for them. Make them happy. I felt responsible for their happiness.

When I had my first breakdown, in my twenties, I didn’t link it to that. I felt my depression was because I didn’t work through my grief around the loss of my brother and father. And that certainly was part of it. In my deepest and darkest hours I met someone who would become a part of my life for over 20 years. And still is in some ways. He was part of the team that “saved” me.

And when I was feeling better, I again started to feel responsible for others. Humans, animals, nature, the planet. Everyone but me.

I never fully realised how that affected me until this week. I decided to take part in the Rebirth program by Lee Harris, and in his first talk he mentioned the big R and the little r. That really triggered something in me. It all made sense now. And you know how people always share meme’s about life? I know I did. Many of them. And I always thought I understood them. But I clearly didn’t. Not fully. Not on a deeper level.

The big R. That’s what I’ve been living for most of my adult life. Always feeling responsible for others, family, friends, pets, wild animals, farm animals, nature, the planet, the climate. I felt everything I did wasn’t enough. Because nothing changed. I felt frustrated and certainly towards the planet and the climate, really depressed. Burned out.

I felt like a failure, on so many levels. I wasn’t able to hold on to friends, I wasn’t able to make my relationship and marriage work, I wasn’t able to help family with health problems. I failed in my business, because I wasn’t able to help the pets. Not on the level I had envisioned. I felt like a bad business person, because I wasn’t able to make enough money. Hardly any money for that matter. I felt like a crappy writer, having not finished my book in time, having an almost fall out with my friend over the art-work.

Listening to Lee, I realised that it was the big R that had gotten me down. And that I didn’t take care of the little r, namely me. Filling my own cup before anything else. I felt the pieces falling into place. All the decluttering I did, all the wishing for a simplified life. All for others, all for the bigger vision and mission. Even with letting go of most everything, there was still Cheyenne to feel the big R for.

I totally ignored my little Diana, shouting at me. What about me? What about my needs, my wishes, my desires? The one big thing I did for her this year was moving. Even though I am not living here officially (yet), moving to the UK was my inner child screaming at me. That little Diana that was so in touch with her souls desires.

So, I gave some attention to little Diana. What does she want? What made her happy? Music, dancing, playing outdoors, singing. Colouring and drawing. Reading and writing. Being a little explorer of the lands, of life. Diving into history and watching the stars. Gazing at the clouds. Laughing, so much laughter as little Diana. I had been pushing her away. To make room for other people’s needs and wishes. I let go of dreams. I let go of what really made me happy. I was not taking care of the little r. Little me. I lost my joy in life. I lost my joy in the things I did. That deeper feeling of joy that comes from doing something that truly resonates with my soul. That feeling I had standing on the top of a Tor in Dartmoor, of seeing the Lakes for the first time. That deep feeling of joy I get from listening to beautiful music, dancing in the rain, reading a book, or just being outdoors in nature. I was looking for it outside of me. In my relationship(s), in my work, in my creativity. It wasn’t there.

I don’t know what 2019 will hold for me. I truly don’t. I feel I will not set intentions for the whole year yet, just for the first few months. A big part of those intentions will be about the little r. Little Diana really wants her own place to live in, create income from things she likes doing, feel joy and more love and laughter, feel a deeper meaningful connection with me. Before anything. And do this from a place of trust, of trust in myself and the Universe having my back. Because I do matter, I am worthy and I am enough. More than enough.

I know now that I should have worked on that before starting my own business. But then again, everything I did has lead to this moment in time. There are no mistakes, no failures. I wouldn’t have met the people that helped me out this year if I hadn’t followed that path.

I do hope that my stories and experiences inspire. Maybe you are on the verge of starting your own business. Maybe you feel overwhelmed as an activist, healer, therapist. Maybe it is time to stop and see what it dominant in your life. The big R? The big vision, mission? The big life purpose that everybody is always going on about? But… have you been taking care of the little r first? Without filling your own cup you will only deplete yourself working on the big R. If you are feeling a little resistance or anger when it comes to finding your big vision, mission, life purpose, then maybe it’s time to step back and take care of yourself first.

I know I am taking a break from the bigger R’s at this time and will revisit them once I have my own r’s in place. When I can look in the mirror and can truly say I love you. When all my needs and desires are fulfilled. I know that I will not do anything to harm animals or the planet in the process, that is not in my nature, but I am done sacrificing my little r for the big R. I know I will be ready for the big R again once I can listen to someone stating that being in service of something bigger is life purpose without getting angry. When I am ready for a meaningful romantic relationship again with someone who doesn’t feel the need to save me simply because I no longer need saving. When it can be a relationship based on equality.

So, that is my intention, to truly live as my soul desires to live. To let every part of me shine again. To answer the callings of my inner child.

And with doing that, I am already in service. Because when I am happy, when I am thriving, accepting everything life throws at me with ease and grace, I am changing the system. I am part of that bigger whole, I am more than I know or realise. When I shift, everything shifts. We are all interconnected and we are part of nature, so every change I make will have the effect I so wanted as a child.

As the image says, it’s time for me to live. Fully live.

Much love,

Diana

I dreamed a dream (goodbye 2018….)

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The end of 2018 is nearing. And I am taking time to reflect, look back, see what worked and what didn’t. What the lessons were. What my growth was.

I’ve been going through my diary, through my journals (as far as I have them with me), and I have reread the blogs I shared this year.

Yesterday I had a rough day after going through all of them. I wanted to do some exercises to release all that happened. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t release. I felt that the dream I dreamed slowly was shattering. That it was time for me to get real. To just give it all up. I cried. I asked my host to pull me a card. The card said: Life is a river of dreams. Simply relax and enjoy the journey. I cried. Again.

Today I took a little break from it all and decided to do what I do best when I feel overwhelmed by life: write. Because words, especially in the written form, are my ways of releasing, of reflecting, or processing what happened.

Looking back at the process that started the day my ex-husband and I decided to split up, I realised I most of all have been in the process of letting go, releasing, and grieving. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as the last year. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much doubt, fear and panic as last year. I’ve been so hard and tough on myself. But I also don’t think I’ve ever been so brave and more proud of myself than last year.

Last week, after a tapping session, I posted something in my free group, with a picture of myself that showed me post-intense crying, and it was purely meant as saying that all is allowed to be there. That life is not always happy, not always roses. It was merely a statement, but the comments on it made me feel even worse! At one point I stopped reading the comments and decided to delete the post. As much as I know the comments were well meant, it wasn’t my intention of the post to get a load of advise and tips about my life.

I do realise, also through reading through my published blogs, I mostly share about my shadow side. And that might paint a picture of someone who is constantly struggling. Constantly grieving. Constantly in pain. And part of me is. But, as my host kindly pointed out, they don’t see you every day. They don’t see the light side of you. And I often don’t write about that. Well, I do, in my journals and such, but not often in my blogs and posts on Facebook.

Because, although last year has been a rough year, no doubt about that, there have been amazing moments, of learning, of growth, of laughter. Of freeing myself from old patterns and beliefs. I did have celebrations. Loads of them!

Although everything is very uncertain at this time, I am in the UK! Right now, I am in the country I most wanted to be. That was part of my dream. I am living in an area that is amazingly beautiful and relatively peaceful. I have people I can talk to, share my feelings with. I am with the dog I so deeply love. I have a roof over my head, I can still eat, and for now I am ok. I am enjoying nature walks almost every day. That was part of my wish list! Being able to walk in nature every day!

But, that doesn’t take away that realising my dreams is not easy. The way I envisioned my life to be, and still do, is asking a lot of patience and adjusting. And with my financial reserves almost gone, I do know I need to start taking some kind of action. And because everything around my business feels so hard, I am opening up to other ways of producing income. Or other ways of money coming to me. Maybe even start a crowd-funding. Help Diana and Cheyenne through the winter! Just kidding, but who knows.

When I look back at my original dream, I have already made adjustments to it, like being open to getting a drivers license now and a car. To live in a “normal” house instead of a tiny house or an eco-community. But, I still want that cabin like house near a lake, with woods nearby. Ideally I still would love to get an income from writing. And I am now open to meeting someone, in the romantic kind of way. But, to keep all options open, I am also looking at things I like doing and seeing if I can get income from that. And if that will be in the UK? Time will tell. I promised myself to for now enjoy my time here. All we have is now anyway.

I am taking some time “off”, like a little Christmas holiday. I need that. Do things I really love, reading, watching episodes of Time Team on Youtube, listening to music, being outdoors, and writing of course. Doing research for the Healing Circle and the Medicine Way. I’ve been procrastinating on those big time, because I was trying to promote my business and myself again.

I’ve been trying so hard again. In fact, I have been trying hard all my life. I’ve never been open to letting life come to me. Be open to letting things come in. I know this has to do with trust. Trust in life. Trust in the Universe. Trust in myself. Trust in my intuition. Trust in my dreams. I am working on that right now. On those trust issues.

I’ve always been a dreamer, I loved daydreaming. I’ve been a hopeless romantic for many years, dreaming of “mr. right” to come along. Long have I thought my ex-husband was the one. Long have I hoped and wished for that to be true. Long after our divorce I hoped for some kind of recognition for our time together, for some sort of sign that he did once love me, or that he cared how I was doing now. I’ve released that now.

I feel that with everything that has passed this last year, I stopped dreaming. Or was afraid to dream. I had to face the challenges of every day life. Of losing everything, even if most of it was by choice.

But, I’ve also gained so much. Had amazing experiences. Met inspiring (new) people. Was able to be many times. Just be.

I will start dreaming again, allow myself to daydream. Let the creativity come into my life. The trust that it will all work out. As it always has in my life so far. I have no reason to believe it will not work out. That’s my fear speaking. And my bank account. And my disappointments as an entrepreneur. But when I see the amazing opportunities given to me this past year I am very grateful, and I find myself to be a little more trusting.

I am ready to let go of 2018, of all that has passed. Ready to get going with my dreams again. To never loose faith in my dreams. Look where I am right now. It may not be quite what I dreamed of yet, but it comes pretty darn close. So I celebrate that for sure.

Much love, signing off for 2018 with gratitude and grace and wishing myself and everyone a wonderful 2019

Diana and Cheyenne.

Celebrations, rituals, cycles

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This morning, while walking Cheyenne, I ran into these amazing mushrooms. As I usually do when out it nature, I started pondering. The mushrooms were sending me insights. Messages.

I’ve been in the UK now for a little over six weeks, and progress has been slow. Too slow for my likings. With rules and regulations not making it easy, and Brexit “breathing” down my neck.

Entering the month of December got me in a reflective mode, about all that has happened in the last year. And how deep and intense this journey has been.

It made me realise that certain things will always be the same, because I am part of the equation, and as long as I don’t change myself, or my beliefs or patterns, things will never change.

Especially when it comes to money and income, I am challenged big time. The money I have left is decreasing bit by bit, and it is not being replenished (enough) on the other side. I realised that the different ways that money has been coming in this past year are no longer an option for the future. I haven’t got another house tucked away somewhere, not another marriage (as far as I know), and I’ve decluttered so much that I have (almost) nothing left to sell. I don’t have rich family members or friends that will “give” or lend me money, and I don’t have secret inheritances waiting somewhere.

So, I needed to start looking at income. But how to go about that. My energy around and relationship to money is not a very healthy one. And because I dread getting a paid job again, I decided to give my own business another chance. And I got help from my host and joined a six week program to activate my money miracles.

And boy, or girl in my case, is this bringing up a lot for me. A lot of resistance. A lot of grief. A lot of tears. A lot of insights. A lot of laughter too! Finding ways to stay true to myself and my values, but realising the idealist in me will have to give in a little. Because as it is, this human world we have built is still all about money. And money is used for good things, I have to keep reminding myself in that. And I can start doing that (again) too.

The tapping sessions (the program works with EFT) brought up a lot for me. And made me realise where my true passion lies. I always knew that, but how to make a living from that. If you (still) wonder what those are, they are all around nature, the animals, the planet. I do see that my true gifts are my ways of connecting to and communicating with the natural world. I do see now that it is my life’s purpose to bring forth their messages, to create awareness and help humans to reconnect to nature. Reconnect to that what they are a part of themselves.

But, how to turn this around and bring joy to it? I started to look into the things I love doing to bring this into the world. Communicating with animals and nature. Card readings. Shamanism. Writing! Oh my Gaia, yes, writing. Where did that leave the picture? I still love writing so very much! Taking people on nature walks, medicine walks.

I did a few test animal communication sessions, did a lovely webinar on pets in spirit, did a sound healing and rune reading for my host, looked at what it would cost to publish my second book with the publisher I am now with. Started the Healing circle again with Karin Monster-Peters, made a start with the Medicine Way with Jeanni Mcbride-Jones, announced an in person day, the HeartMessages experience day. I looked at recording meditations again. Tech stuff came up. Working on my website was draining me. I launched my year animal meditation again, something that was a success the last few years. I changed the formula a bit, and raised the prices. That scared the crap out of me. But I did and set it out there.

But not much came from it all, yes lots of positive reactions, but nothing in the sense of money or income. And although that has never been the main drive behind this kind of work, it would have been nice. Wasn’t the mindset change working? The tapping? Did I still need to change my energy more?

My host and friend said: well, you must be so proud of yourself for doing all this. And it hit me. It didn’t. What was wrong with me? Where is the joy? Running into the same fears and doubts. Again. I was so sad, and angry at myself. Why am I still only focusing on the things that go “wrong”? Feeling like a failure. Big time. See, I can’t do any of this. People don’t want it. My inner Gremlins were having a ball at the mall.

When I talked to Rachel Hansen about this, for the money miracles program, she said I was going through something known as goal-trauma. It happens a lot to (especially heart-centred) entrepreneurs who have seen launch after launch fail. They give up on the idea or project instead of giving it another go and they simply move onto the next. And the next. And the next. Never taking time to properly grief over what happened. Or tweak it a bit. I recognised this. It is what has happened to me over and over again, ever since I set up my own business. I never gave it all much chance. I just changed, gave up, started something new.

I tapped into this. I have a lot of goal trauma’s. I am a dreamer, an idealist. I had big visions, big dreams. I still do. But with those, big disappointments when it doesn’t work out. Again. And I realised this is not just in my business. In a lot of things I do, or did. In life itself. My marriage. My friendships. My dreams in life. My move to the UK. The process of writing and publishing my first book. Even though I try not to set expectations anymore, I still get disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I forget to enjoy the ride and only focus on the outcome. I forget about the seeds that I planted, and the ripple effect I created. I ignore all the praise I get and the lives I touch. I only focus on what goes “wrong”.

Looking at those mushrooms reminded me of a theme that is starting to emerge in my work, in my life’s purpose, or my soul’s path. It is the theme for the Healing Circle in December, the theme for the Medicine Way.

You see, life is all about celebrations, rituals, cycles. Sometimes I get so focused on the things that go “wrong” that I forget to celebrate. It is not going wrong at all. These are merely lessons. They are part of my growth. And therefore I need to celebrate them more. Be grateful. Release the duality of right and wrong.

Rituals are all around us, every day. It’s a ritual to let things go. Let go of patterns or beliefs. Often adopted from family, upbringing, religion, culture. By letting go through rituals, we make room for new things, new experiences to enter our energy. Inviting in new things is also a ritual. I do this a lot through journalling. Through meditation. Life itself is a big ritual. Celebrating birth. Grieving death.

And that again is all part of cycles. Never-ending cycles of life. I looked at the mushrooms again. They are part of this never-ending cycle. They use the fallen leaves and other decaying material to grow and reproduce. And they in turn help trees and plants extract nutrients from the soil. They play an important role in nature. Everything has purpose in nature. Nothing gets lost or wasted, it’s all part of this cycle of life. Even us humans have our part to play.

So, everything I am going through is part of a cycle. It is all meant to be. Nothing gets lost or wasted. They are all experiences that help me grow and plant seeds. Create awareness.

So, I end with a celebration. Of life. Of rituals. Of cycles. So much gratitude for all that I am g(r)o(w)ing through and I know that sharing my insights will help others. I know that stepping into my role as messenger for the planet will create awareness. Maybe not in the way I expected, maybe not at the speed I hoped, but for sure all as it is supposed to be.

Much love,

Diana and the mushrooms of celebration, rituals and cycles.

If you want to know about all the things I have created for you, and am creating for you to help you grow and become aware, please visit my website. It’s been revamped and I’ve added several ways for you to get to know the knowledge and wisdom of the natural world.

I especially want to point out the Healing Circle I run together with Karin Monster-Peters, because in December we will be sharing all about celebrations and rituals.

December 21st, on the Winter Solstice (an important cycle moment, surrounded with rituals and celebrations), the Medicine Way will start. Where Jeanni and I will guide you through cycles with the help of the Medicine Wheel.

My yearanimal meditation is available throughout December and January, and I will give support throughout all of 2019 to keep you connected to your Spirit animal. Another cycle and ritual. And a releasing exercise is included in the meditation journey.

The recording of the Pets in Spirit webinar is available for purchase now, Joanne and I talked about the ending of lifecycles and rituals around the passing of your beloved pet. You can find the link for the purchase on this page.

And I am now taking on bookings for Year Card readings. I will do these during the month of December only. The payment link for that is found on this page.

 

 

Home?

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I’ve been in the UK now for a little over two weeks. And again, as I always do when being here, feel more grounded and inspired.

Yes, I am still adjusting, to new times, new foods, living with someone who is such an uplifting and supporting spirit. Yes, I ran into some technical stuff, but most of the technical and practical stuff is sorted for now, so I can focus on creating again. Yes, the sudden wintery weather was a bit of a shock, but I loved it. The clear, crisp air and beautiful colours. No, I am still not much clearer on what I need to do to be able to stay here, if I don’t want to follow the set rules. And with no clarity on Brexit yet, it is still all a bit vague. The rules and regulations also contradict each other on several points, but I will figure it out. I am learning not to worry, not to push and pull, but to stay in a place of trust, to live in the here and now as much as possible.

But, just the joy of being connected to the land, wow. It really does something to me. I guess you could call it harmony, resonance. And Cheyenne is having such a great time! She is running through the woods and fields, drinking from the river, showing sides of her I never saw before, like chasing squirrels and pheasants, and eating things I have never seen her eat. If I ever start doubting my choices I just look at her and know I made the right choices so far. And yes, I do miss certain people, especially my sister, I do miss the pets that I left with my ex-husband, I do miss the well arranged public transport and safe cycling options. For now I don’t have an option to get my drivers license so I am still dependant on others for transport.

And other things are starting to flow again! I am going to get my business back up and running, do more writing, and already am creating things with others. Working together with others has always been on my wish-list, and it is coming true! I’ve done a Money Miracle challenge last week with Rachel Hansen from She Rocks Wealth, and uncovered something that is keeping me from manifesting those miracles. So, I will clear that energy even more, and invite in those miracles. And be open to the form they want to come in to me.

So, yes, it is really flowing. Much like the river I visit almost every day here. The favourite walk for Cheyenne and me. Where my Treefriends greet me every day, and inspire me to do more with creating nature connections.

I have to do some decluttering and stuff on my website, but I can already tell you about a few things I am going to do very soon:

  • HeartMessages experience day: This will be a real-life event, on December the 8th, here where I am staying at the moment, my beautiful host Joanne Yeah (from Animal Communication Insights) is so very kind to open up her lodge for this 🙂 You can find more information on this on Facebook.
  • I have started daily animal posts/messages on my Facebookpage again, so you are welcome to like my page and get inspired.
  • I am happy to announce that Karin Monster-Peters (from the Vibrant Sensitive) and I are ready to get the Healing Circle up and running again. More information and how to join click here.
  • Another happy announcement is that Jeanni McBride Jones and I are about ready to present our membership group The Medicine Way to you, where we will be following the energies of the Medicine Wheel with you. This starts on the Winter Solstice, December 21st.
  • And last but not least, I am happy to be able to offer you a webinar on Pets in Spirit, together with Joanne Yeoh, that we will be presenting on November the 18th. You can find more on that and reserve your seat over here.

And besides that I am working on offering personalised card readings and meditations, bringing back the yearanimal meditation-journey (in a slightly different form), offering animal communication sessions again (limited and with specific purpose), organising nature walks, getting my first book ready for publishing (all the writing is done, it is now in editing and designing phase), working on my next book, and ready to create some e-books.

But… I am taking my time, not pushing anything, staying in this inspirational and guided energy, following my heart and intuition, playing with several options. I would love to get a steady income from all of this, rather then find a paid job. Just exploring all the options, and I love doing this in a playful way. Stay in this flow.

So, that’s where I am at right now. I will keep you updated on this journey of a lifetime!

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.

And the journey continues

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I thought it was a good time for a little update on what is going on, and what the next steps on our journey are going to be (for me and Cheyenne that is).

Well, I am going home. To the homeland of my heart and soul. I have no idea if it will all work out, and I am taking many leaps of faith in doing this, but I think it’s for the first time in my life I am truly following my heart and soul, and putting my thinking in the back seat. As a helper instead of a leader.

I have been saying lots of goodbyes lately, to my old life, my old ways, my marriage, my stuff, some friends, family, pets and more. I’ve been doing things this year that were all “options” on my list for living and being in this world. I now know I do want a place I can call my “own”, a safe haven to return to after work, travels, anything. I have been traveling and housesitting, and now know that this is not what resonates with me. Or Cheyenne. Not really. It’s nice to discover new places and all, but it is a very restless life, and I do long for some peace and quiet. Especially life in a (big) city is no option for us.

I also realised that actually what I have been asking for has been and is being delivered. I didn’t always notice it consciously, but it did happen. All the things on my options lists. My need for downsizing and not “owning” anything anymore. I have discovered I can live with very little possessions. I still need some money, for living and eating, but I don’t strive to become wealthy in the monetary or material sense anymore. It creates a lot of room for other things.

So, I am ready to take the next step. The big move. To another country. Letting go of all that I know. I am feeling a mixture of nauseating fear (also because of rules and regulations and Brexit) and huge excitement. Whenever I say I am going to live in the UK, my heart skips a beat and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I have to build up a new life there, and new friendships, new connections. I do intend to go back to the Netherlands every now and then, but for now I have to start building up. I really hope it will all work out, and that my gut feeling of that it will once I am there (home) is not just wishful thinking.

I am also following the opportunities presented to me, through human angels, through signs and signals. I have been given the opportunity to do this, I don’t have many ties with my “old” life anymore, no work, no house, no marriage. Friends and family will be the hardest part, but I am just across the North Sea and with the digital age a lot is possible in staying connected. And I have a place to start from in the UK, where someone is willing to receive me and Cheyenne as their guests of honour. And for now I can still stay registered in The Netherlands, whilst I figure everything out in the UK.

I have been pondering a lot about my dreams and desires, my life purpose and more. And I did realise that moving to the UK has been a big part of my dreams for a very long time, but I always let logic hold me back. Or fear of losing control and securities. But the older I get, I know that certainly those securities are often false. And losing control? Why not lose control every now and then and follow my heart and soul? I do believe that if this is meant to be, if this is part of my path, it will all work out. I will do whatever it takes to make this part of the dream come true, but I will not force anything. Above all I want to stay in the flow. The closer I get to my moving date (next Thursday) the more calm I feel internally. Even though it is not a small thing to do. Maybe coming home is about that feeling. That feeling of calm. A deep sense of inner peace. It doesn’t mean it will never storm again, it will never be chaos again, but underneath I will have this inner peace that will guide me through any kind of storm.

With my upcoming move I also feel very inspired and motivated to start (re-)creating things again. I do hope I can generate enough income through self-employment and writing, but if needed I will additionally get a part-time job. I handed in the manuscript for my first book recently, now it’s editing and designing time. If everything goes as planned it will be published somewhere around March/April next year. It’s strange handing in something so personal that will be published for the whole world to read. But I feel I needed to do this. To get out of my own way and know that if my life story so far will help only one soul it will all have been worth it.

Some of the things I am thinking of (re-)creating: bringing back some form of animal communication with pets, writing more books, either officially published or self-published. Books on my life as an animal communicator, the story of our old three doggies, about my travels to the UK, my move to the UK. Creating my own oracle card set(s). Creating guided meditations and meditation-journeys, even offering personalised ones. Bringing Shamanism into my work. Creating things together with others, like I did with the Healing Circle. Doing offline, real life things like nature-medicine walks, “silent” be-treats and more. I am figuring all this out along the way, but most of all create things from a place of love and joy, because I feel I want to create these things. Not because I have to, or others feel I need to. With money as side-effect instead of the major drive behind my creations.

So, exciting times. I can’t wait for the next part of my journey to unfold.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

Am I an inspiration?

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I am at a new housesitting address, where I am watching over a wonderful cat named Tibbe. This is actually in the part of the Netherlands where I initially thought I would move to, before choosing to follow my heart and soul and go for the UK.

I do like it here, it would have been a nice option, it’s more quiet, more trees, friendlier overall. But, it is still the Netherlands.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of stories and blogs about mental health and the effects of life, and how it is lived, on health in general. What I overall notice is that people are constantly striving for the same thing: success in the form of fame and material and monetary wealth, to live up to the beauty standard of magazines and media, to be happy all the time, to live the life of their dreams and to find their purpose in life.

But… what are they living up to? What are they following? Their own dreams? Their own souls’ path? Or are they following the rules of society? Of community? Of parents? Of ancestry? Of partners? Friends? Coaches and therapists? How many people really “know” themselves? How many people have been brainwashed by “the system”? There is so much pressure out there, so much competition. No wonder everybody is tired, suffering from burn outs or mental health issues. And when your body says no more, often it is numbed by addictive substances, excessive eating or extreme experiences. Shove it under the carpet. That only makes it worse. I observe so much disconnection, from self, from the heart and soul, from nature, from life.

This last year, detaching from everything and decluttering has left me feeling empty, alone, lost and very naked. I’ve had to ask for help a lot, I’ve had to learn to accept that help. And believe me, that was not easy for me. I am very grateful for all that has come my way this last year, so that I didn’t end up homeless or penniless. Gratefulness is an important part of the process.

I’ve had to let go of my need for perfection, of my need of outside acknowledgment. I’ve had to battle my inner critic, and fully accept myself in every way. And I am still working on that.

I’ve had to go deep within to look for my own answers. To defy the system, society. To not follow other peoples’ dreams or rules. Or fears for that matter. To let go of the feeling of responsibility for other peoples’ lives. To let go of the feeling of guilt for choosing me and not maintaining my relationships. Even though they sometimes appeared to be one-sided anyway. I’ve seen what some people see as “friendship” is not my definition of it. That sometimes they will only befriend you if they get “something” out of it. Especially in the hollow world of (social) media. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some wonderful human beings through the online world, and some of them I really would love to meet in real life, and some of them I have (and that was awesome!).

I’ve had to look deep into what spirituality means to me, and how the spiritual community often isn’t very grounded (and even fake!). And how the mainstream community isn’t very spiritual. I know I am somewhere in the middle, and that is the best place to be. Not to float off into the dreamworld and other realms, but also not getting stuck in the material, thinking world. I’ve had to look at what really matters to me.

Basically, I’ve been resetting. Writing my book, my divorce, my soul journey to the UK and the weeks after that have been real eye openers. I’ve not had an easy life so far, part of that is because of my own character, but I have no regrets. I’ve been learning and growing so much this last year. I really believe every experience so far was part of my path. Nothing was “done” to me.

I am now ready to build up again. On my own pace. In my own way. I am still running into things, but I know that if I really want it, if it really resonates with my soul, it will happen. And people and resources will come my way to help me make that happen.

I still have fears and worries about the future. I don’t know what Brexit will bring as extra consequences. Yes, I am still human. Lots of people call me an inspiration, and I often do not understand that, but part of me understands that I am. I am doing the work. All of it. Inner and outer. Walking my talk. And no, it’s not easy, but it is rewarding and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alive. And I’ve felt deep fear, and panic, and hopelessness and depression. I’ve had times when I wanted to throw the towel in the ring.

Last week I realised that almost all the chains I had with the Netherlands have been broken over time. No job, no home, no relationship. Yes, I have some family and friends here, but there are ways to stay in touch. The Universe is literally clearing the way for me to step into the next part of my life.

Coming back to why I feel so many people have problems with health (in every way), is because they are not living according to their own needs, their own heart and souls’ calling. And no, it’s not easy to change, to let go of (often false) securities and go out there and live the life of your dreams. And no, sometimes it isn’t possible due to circumstances. But there is always the choice to make the very best of it. Not to complain about what life is throwing at you, but to see it as lessons and growth. Not to be the victim of circumstances but to take matters into your own hands and make it work for you. But then again, maybe being a victim is your life’s lesson. I don’t know, I don’t hold all the answers (thankfully!). I just observe and see how many times people say they wish they had the courage to do what I am doing. And all I want to say to them, stop looking at my life, look at your own and find your own courage. Turn inside. What is there. Don’t blame circumstances, often you did choose the life you are living, whether it was conscious or not. Especially here in the western countries. Be bold and go for it.

I often say I like being in nature and with animals more than with (most) humans, and I know that is because so many people are not “real”. They are merely living the life they think they should be living instead of the life they are supposed to be living according to their heart and soul. It doesn’t resonate, there is no harmony. And their whole system is saying: stop with that. But they don’t listen. Or they listen to outside sources telling what they are supposed to be doing with their lives. But how can those outside sources know? Only you know. Your heart knows. Your soul knows.

Yes, it’s scary. It’s not easy. But it is so worth it. Feeling alive in the way that is meant for you. If that means being an artist in any way, or jumping from a plane. It doesn’t matter. Do what resonates with you. Dump the rules of family, society and media. Do you. Unapologetically you. Unlearn all that outer “shit”, and go for it.

Know that if you do you will be supported. By those who really care about you (and not about their own needs and fears), by the Universe, by your guardians in other realms. Live!

Much love,

Diana

p.s. but do live in harmony with nature, the animals, the planet 🙂 No need for abusing them 😉

Back again

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I’ve been torn these last few weeks. Torn between my heart and soul and my mind. My mind is telling me to be responsible, look for a daytime job, and rent a place. My mind is telling me to stay in The Netherlands and live the ordinary life, be there for my mother, support others on their paths. My mind is telling me a lot of should haves. I should have worked harder on my marriage, I should have adapted more. Be happy with what I had. Be content.

But my heart and soul are telling me a very different story. To finally choose me. To go for it. To live the life of my dreams. To pack up my stuff, move to the land I love and build a new life. To step into my role as bringer of Earth Medicine, to reconnect people to nature in all it’s beauty. To play my part in this healing journey of humanity and the planet. It’s the dreamer in me, the idealist, the hopeless romantic. It is not to be selfish, but to create an extraordinary life, to realise my dreams, to take care of my own needs, fill my own cup and find that place in nature that I have always dreamed of.

Leaving the house of my ex-husband for good brought on a lot of grief. Over a lost life, saying goodbye to one of the dogs and the cats. Especially that last bit has been heartbreaking for me. And right now I am actually kind of missing my old life, even miss my ex-husband. Not that I want him back, but it’s more that everything I knew is now really over. The comfort. The familiar. And choosing me, moving to the UK, would mean I would not get to see them much. As with friends and family. Telling my mother I was going to the UK put her into an even deeper victim mode. She doesn’t understand, and who is going to take care of her, and this will kill her. She’s lost everything and I am going to make it worse. And yes, part of me understands that, and it is the part of me that has been thinking, okay, I will wait and move once she has passed. But that might take a long time. Too long to fulfil the promise I made to myself and Cheyenne. To create a life of love and ease and joy. The picture on top of this blog is of her in the UK, I asked her if she was happy and this was the face she gave me. I miss that face. So, for both our sakes, I just have to choose following my heart and soul. This once. My mind has been leading for far too long now. Like 40 years or so…..

But when I came here to the house sitting address, I was still in the mode of finding a temporary home and job in the Netherlands. Looking into the options and inquiring after prices and such however really got me down. Depressed actually. To the point I asked my ex if he would take Cheyenne back so I could find something on my own. Or maybe even leave this Earth. For good. Because at that point I was so fed up with life, society, rules and regulations, a money based society, that I had no more self-worth left.

So I journaled, meditated and more. And every time moving to the UK came to the surface. Even my ex said that he had not seen me and Cheyenne ever happier then over there. More tears. More releasing. So, I reached out to the person I stayed with earlier and she is giving me the option to start from her place. Stay there for a few months and build up from there. So, I looked into what was needed practically for that. Again, rules, regulations. And then came the procrastinating. On everything. On finishing my book. On looking for a way of income. The last bit of income I had is paused, as the one I co-create that with is just like me building up a new life. And we need our time and energy for that. So, the Universe is clearly giving me a message on that.

I am staying at a friends house at the moment, while they are away on an amazing trip to Canada. I needed to do this, to be here. To figure out even more. Because I still had living in a city and housesitting as options for ways of living. I now know I could never live in a city. And neither can Cheyenne. It is just too overwhelming for us country gals. Too much noise, too busy, too much pollution (in every form), no connection. People are not very friendly, always running, and living in their phone. Yes, the upside is that transport is easier, and shops nearby. But I would never thrive in a city. It would be a constant state of survival for us. And even with transport nearby, I am turning into a hermit! I don’t want to leave the house, and neither does Cheyenne. Housesitting is fine for now, but not an option in the long run. I now know I would love a place of my own. Not buying perse, but a place to call home where I can have my own stuff. I have no desire for a big home anymore or owning lots of stuff, but still. I also would love the freedom to do as I please. I have a vision of the place I would love and I know it is out there. I am learning how to receive, that has never been my strong point either, so I am inviting all of this in.

Transport is a constant “thing” for me. Travelling by public transport is ok, and I love trains, but not with Cheyenne. And not in the Netherlands. Overall the difference of being with a dog in the Netherlands or in the UK is huge. Almost nobody over here greets her, and more often look at her like she is a nuisance. And it is getting to us. I have been very mad at myself for not getting my drivers license when I could. Because I now am facing the consequences of that. It’s not that I didn’t try, or couldn’t drive, let’s say I have not been lucky with trying to get it. In the Netherlands it is not so easy to get a drivers license and very expensive. The money is the reason why I had to stop previous times, I just ran out. Because of all of that I thought it just wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t fit in with my ideals and values. It didn’t fit into my world of caring for the environment and the planet. But still, when living in the UK a drivers license would be handy. Cycling is not really an option there, that is very different from the Netherlands. And also because the trains are pretty expensive compared to the Netherlands. So, I have been looking at getting it, but the costs are just too much for me at this time. Moving to the UK will not change that for now, as over there I need to be a resident with my own address to be able to get it. So, even though it is kind of a priority, creating income and finding a place of my own are more important at this time. I do get tired of being dependant on others for transport though. It’s not freedom. But for now I have to overcome that part.

I’ve found an option to get some of my stuff over to the UK at a reasonable cost, it is something that was created for students, but they also offer their services for other people that are going abroad for a longer period of time. So, that will solve the problem of getting my stuff over there, because I have to travel by boat and train again with Cheyenne.

Basically, right now, I have made enquiries about most of the practical stuff, like health insurance and so on, I know I can stay in the UK for 6 months without a problem. I am getting Cheyenne’s rabies shot sorted out, because that would expire around the time I would go back to the UK. My friend has set some very agreeable terms for living with her. And I am actually ready to go. After the housesitting here and with someone else I can leave. Nothing is stopping me now but me. And my fears. And my what ifs. I am already having ideas around creating income, and am totally open to receiving income through various channels. Of being flexible. It’s the what ifs now, my mind trying to stop me. But when I start feeling into it, I really, really, really want to live in the UK.

My mind is at war with my heart and soul at times, but what I do now is show my mind the images of how it would feel to live the life of my dreams. I show my mind the pictures of how we felt when we were in the UK, walking on the moors, standing on top of hills, walking along rivers and lakes, being at the seaside. The overwhelming feeling of love, joy, peace, calm and inspiration I get when I am there. When my feet touch the land. That has never happened to me in the Netherlands. It is the feeling of coming home. I think I have been homesick for a long, long time. Probably ever since I’ve been to the UK the first time. When I was 15 or something. With school. And that was London, not even the countryside. My heart is there. Every time I go there a part of me is left behind. Calling for the rest of me to come over. And yes, I will run into some of the same things as I do over here. People are still people, governments, rules and regulations are everywhere. It will not be easy at times. A different culture, away from friends and family. The feeling of guilt on my shoulders about my mother. It will not go away. But the calling of the land is too big. I can no longer deny it. My heart and soul are bound with that land. That always inspires me, makes me feel loved, wanted. I no longer feel the need to explain this feeling, if you have never experienced it yourself it cannot be explained. I do feel it is now or never, also with Brexit in mind. I don’t want to reach the end of my life not having done this, forever wondering what it would have been like. Forever longing. I owe it to myself, my heart, my soul, and to Cheyenne. My mind will follow.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

p.s.: I am going to get my business, HeartMessages, going again, I am going to create some amazing things, just a bit more patience. And my book will get out there, but as with every good book, takes time to create 🙂 As you may have noticed by now I am not the quick fix kind of type. I share a lot of my daily insights and pull cards and more in my free Facebook group, so maybe you might want to join me and other beautiful souls there!

 

Surrendering to and accepting myself

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I’ve been back from the UK now for a while, and this week is the last week I am staying at my ex-husbands place. From there I am going to house sit for a few weeks and after that? I don’t know yet. I am surrendering to what comes my way, to feel into everything I research, if that is in alignment with my heart and soul.

I’ve had time to think and feel a lot lately. To observe myself. How I react. What I do. If I have any blocks or limiting beliefs. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just fine. I am all I need to be. My tendency to compare myself to others, look for outside confirmation, they have all led to me trying to label myself as something. Putting myself in a box. And if there’s one thing I need to do, is stop doing that!

I had a talk with my publisher last week, and something I said suddenly made me realise the reason why my finances have been not in a good place and going down. Because what I did with every euro I earned, I invested them in more programs, coaches, ways to learn about myself. From OUTSIDE sources! And now I am at a point where I can no longer afford to do that, so life kind of forced me to look inside for answers. To look into my heart and soul.

And you know what I discovered? I really like me, yes love me even. When I am on my own I don’t judge myself, I don’t try to label myself or anything. I am fine just the way I am. I know my strong points, I know my weak points. And you know what? I don’t have to change any of them, or work on them. Because why do I do that? To conform to other peoples labels, boxes, expectations? All outside of myself.

In my core I am a very loving and caring person. And no, that can never be too much, I don’t have to shield or protect myself. I don’t have to do that once I fully accept, love and appreciate myself. The most loving thing I can do for myself is create a life that can handle being myself completely.

I don’t have to work on limiting beliefs or blocks, because I don’t have them. Others made me think I have them. And I listened to others, for a very, very long time.

I am sensitive, I feel deeply. Seeing animals, nature, the planet, people in pain causes me pain. Literally. My senses are working overtime at times. But should I change that? No. Why should I? Because that pain is causing me to take action. To feel passionate enough again to take steps towards doing something about it. That passion had been burned out many years ago, and I have been trying to ignite it with outside sources.

I made a list of what truly brings me joy, passion, love. And that is nature and the animals. That is what brings me healing, brings me to a place of peace and quiet. Inspires me deeply.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with people. I do. With certain people. That share the same passion. But not too much, not too long. It overwhelms me. And no, I no longer feel I need to change that. I am fine with who I am in this. You see, I’ve been looking for my “tribe” for many years. Because that’s what we are supposed to do, as social beings. Belong to a tribe or community. But I’ve never felt at home with any of them. And I am at a point now where I am no longer convinced I need to be. I am not a hermit, but I love being on my own, very much. Spending time in nature. Just being. Listening to music. Reading. Spending quality time with my dog. Not talking. Oh… the bliss of not talking all the time. I am allowing myself fully to find my own way in that too.

When it comes to my business, I am now sure I no longer want to run a business in the conventional way, even if it has the label heart-centered. I above all want to help nature, the planet, the animals, and just be. I don’t like selling. I don’t like pointing you to your painpoints, convincing you you have a limiting belief you need to work on, giving you a miracle solution, or make you dependant on me. There are loads of people out there who love doing all of that, so I leave that to them. I am a strong advocate of taking control over your own life and take responsibility for all your actions. I am doing that myself, and it is freeing and liberating.

I still love writing, but I love that because of the art of writing. It is my way of expressing myself. I don’t want to be put in a box as a writer and be flooded by all kinds of people who want to tell me how to write and how to market myself. Writing is not a business for me, it is much more.

So, I will do very little with my business. Maybe create some things that will help you reconnect to nature, but most things I will discontinue. For good this time. I will find other ways of income. And in that also find my own way, seeing how much I really need, and be happy with a simple and humble life. I no longer want to strive for bigger, better, more. My dream is a small home in the UK, in or near woods, lakes, rivers. And have loads of time to just be, walk in nature, write, read. Together with Cheyenne. No more working long hours to buy stuff I don’t need. I discovered I really don’t need much. And that too is ok.

I feel this is my purpose in life. The task I set myself this lifetime. To just allow myself to be. To accept and love myself as I am. Fully. Unapologetically.

So, that’s where I am at right now. I am going to look for a (temporary) home and job or income, to eventually start living my dream.

And I am loving it.

Much love

Diana

 

 

There and back again?

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Yes, the title of this blog is a reference to the subtitle of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Because I have returned from my soul-journey to the UK. And I often felt like Bilbo, and Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. And I encountered many curious creatures on my path.

Did I find what I was looking for? Yes and no. And as with every great journey or adventure, it had many unexpected twists and turns. I don’t want to reveal too much with this blog as I will turn this into my second book (If my first ever comes out that is).

It was an amazing trip, that’s for sure. Even with all the interesting and at times scary stuff that happened. More than anything, every pilgrimage or quest will eventually be a journey on finding yourself. And I did, in many ways. And I met amazing people who held space for me when I needed it the most. My soul-dog Cheyenne turned out to be an amazing teacher and mirror for me.

Great expectations. Another reference to a book of one of my favourite authors all time, Charles Dickes. I tried to set out without expectations, as I always fear disappointment, and wanted, above all, enjoy the moment. But, they did creep in, the expectations. Because the traveling, by public transport and by foot, was what I was looking forward to the most. And the typical English weather, not too hot, some clouds, rain and more. Moody weather as I call it. And there were things I wasn’t looking forward too, like doing it all by myself, being alone, and other minor things. Well, as you might guess, the things I was looking forward too turned out to be quite a challenge and the things I was afraid of turned out to be the easiest of this journey.

Well, the weather? Somehow I traveled at the start of one of the most extreme warm summers ever recorded. And let me tell you, I don’t like heat! And Cheyenne doesn’t either. So the planned (and pre-booked) walking holiday turned out to be very different. I will tell more about that part in my book. Public transport wasn’t that easy, especially not with a dog, and was often very expensive.

I did learn I am never alone, and that there are some amazing souls out there that are offering help even when I am not always clear in asking for it. I did learn to ask for help, and be vulnerable. I discovered that I most of all went on this trip to prove to myself (and others) that I can do it all on my own. And I probably can, but I realised I don’t have to. That was a big lesson. And with no car and a dog that at one point didn’t want to enter a bus or train anymore, I had to make decisions along the way to alter my journey, be flexible and change every time. I ended up staying with the most wonderful and generous person I ever met in my life for a big part of my journey. I stayed in another amazing persons caravan for a week at the beach, and I absolutely loved it. I met up with my publisher in Liverpool, talking about life and more, everything but my book! But I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to visit before I left. And discovered other places I truly wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on.

I had a lot of time to think, journal, feel and cry. I had wonderful conversations with beautiful people. I laughed again. About simple things. Some people I met for just a short while, others I hope to know the rest of my life. Some people helped me to put things into perspective. Others just made me realise I have the gift of holding a sacred and safe space for people to open up and pour their hearts out.

My host and I had amazing conversations about our mutual talent as animal communicator, and we discovered a very similar way or thinking and working. Something we both thought we never would. I helped her, she helped me. She helped me with understanding Cheyenne better. And with that myself. And her (and the amazing owner of the caravan too) giving nature “forced” me into receiving mode. I realised that receiving is something so hard for me. I realised that I never considered anything in my life as “mine”. Not even the money I got from the sale of the house. Somehow it felt like “his” money. It made me realise I really hardly ever ask anything for myself. That in asking something there is always something deeper behind it, helping someone or something else, helping the planet. I am so afraid of being considered egoistic or egocentric. I realised I have some heavy karma I carried into this life with me. The karma of “suffering”. I decided there that from now on I would enjoy more instead of suffer. I realised that despite the “suffering”, underneath there is a base of being happy and content. When there are no outer distractions, when I am on my own in nature, well with Cheyenne, I am at my core very peaceful, and at ease.

I discovered what I don’t want anymore, and am getting more clear on what I do want and desire. I’ve read a book on alternative living while I was traveling, and that helped me narrow down what kind of house or home I would like. I realised it is perfectly fine to want to have something “of my own”. There is no need to fear I will become greedy, as that is not in my nature. But I can have enough, or even just more than enough, abundance. I know that in my case, that will never be about endless growth and desire.

I felt very welcome, even if the weather was more than I could handle, and I never felt unwanted. Or too much. It felt effortless, even with the traveladventures.

The energy of the land, the amazing countryside, the hills, the (not so green) fields, the buildings, the rivers, wildlife, everything. It was very deeply healing, and deeply inspiring.

So much so, that at one point I just felt ready to go back to the Netherlands for now and start mapping out my new future and take action steps towards that. Those are in random order: finding my own (temporary) place, find a source of regular income, get a drivers license, start taking action on re-building my business and eventually move to the UK permanently.

Regarding living: I do know my heart and soul are so connected to the UK, that I kind of left them behind again. So I will start taking steps towards uniting my body with my heart and soul in the land that I so deeply love, and loves me in return. So much so, it almost didn’t let me leave! But read more on that in my book 😉

Regarding work: For now I am ok with finding a form of income next to my writing and other creative work. Ideally, I will get enough income from my books and related products, writing articles and blogs and more. I do feel more and more called to really actively get people connected to nature again, in a positive way. Earth-medicine is my way, so nature walks, be-treats, meditations, and more. I am also looking into working together with others more in creating things like that, like I am already doing with Karin Monster in our Healing Circle.

Regarding drivers’ license: I thought that would be the first step, but somehow it feels like I need to get that once I live in the UK. It does make sense, so I will do that when I live there.

Regarding my business, HeartMessages: rebuilding it as a way to support me on my writers and Earth-Medicine journey.

I still have a lot of mindset work to do, but I know there are people out there I can turn to, who have my back, and I can turn to when I need a little moral support. I know I don’t need another (business-)coach, I’ve been there, done that so to speak, it is time to finally step into my own power and start creating from my heart, my being. No longer giving my power away, by doing what others feel I should be doing, and never really feeling the joy and passion in it. But by doing what gives me joy and is my passion. I saw passion. With the people I stayed with, the people I talked with. At the gathering my host had organised and how all the presenters were truly authentically passionate about what they shared. How passionate my host is about her work as animal communicator and teacher. I loved that. It is something I’ve always missed in my work and jobs so far. What is my passion? Well, obviously, it’s nature. It has always been nature. The animals, the planet. And I am very good at being, just being. Being at peace. Being in silence. Connecting to all that is. Being a voice for those who don’t speak human. And this is what I would love to share and let others experience. Through my writing, through nature walks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Returning back to The Netherlands felt like a cold shower, but I was still going to go for it. I was allowed to return to live with my ex-husband for now, but it felt and feels very awkward. For both of us. And on top of that, the summer decided to take it up a notch. Last week the temperatures reached hights I hadn’t experienced in a long time, the room I am staying in is the hottest in the house, so had to stay in other parts of the house. Going outside was just not doable for me, and when it is this hot, my brain sort of stops functioning, so all not working in my favour. I felt homesick, miserable, my feet very swollen from the heat, had several horsefly bites with an intense reaction, the mosquitos seem to like me all of the sudden. It’s not easy living with my ex, I feel like I am too much and in his way, my mother is not well but she is too stubborn to really accept help from others than my sister and me, the responsibilities are taking its toll on me again. The worries about my house and income situation put me into acting from a place of fear and panick again instead of peace and calm. And I miss the nature walks, the relative peace and silence I so crave. I made a list of all the friends that want to connect to me, and it is freaking me out so much that I don’t want to reach out at all. I felt very stuck. Again. Much like how I felt before I left for my journey. I wondered if I would be able to break the “suffering” mode that I promised to do when I was in the UK, or if suffering was just something I signed up for in this life. But, being back on social media, made me realise that my suffering is not as bad as for a lot of other people in the world. It did help me put things in perspective. Not that I am downgrading what I feel, and I have felt like ending it all at one point, but it does make me realise that it is not all that bad. That I need to step out of my own drama and stories.

So, here we are today. The worst of the heat has gone, and I feel a little more able to think again, and feel, and again ready to move forward. I realise the journey never stopped after returning to the Netherlands, it just goes on. And on. And it probably will never stop. As so many great people always have said: it is about the journey after all, and not the destination.

I am ready for the next leg of this journey called life.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.