The past few years I have been working a lot on myself. My inner growth. Getting to know the real me and what I came here to do. Or be.
Part of that process was loving myself again, accepting myself in every form and accepting where I am on my path.
Part of that process was being able to love other humans again the same way.
Part of that process was restoring my faith in humanity and hope for the future.
I have been looking and searching for my life purpose. I know it is all about Nature. The animals, the plants, the trees, everything. Mother Earth herself. Part of this was accepting the fact that we are a part of that beautiful nature. That I am a part of that. We are not a separate species, we are all connected and everything that happens to nature also happens to us. And the other way around. It’s a constant cycle.
This week I had some talks, with people, on how to be of service. We agreed that the only way I can truly be of service is to first take care of myself. And that is true, I cannot give from an empty well. And this is something people are understanding, take care of yourself first. But sometimes not in a healthy way, at least not in harmony with that which we are a part of. For me taking care of myself involves the not harming others in the process of that.
I have been feeling anger, resentment, pain, sadness, grief. I have been looking at how I can be a part of the change that needs to happen, if we are to survive as species, as planet, as system.
I realise that I can only do that by helping people understand that most important part of all: we are all connected. It is not just about us, not just about humans, the world doesn’t revolve around us. Us is them. Us is nature. Us is the planet.
In taking care of ourselves some people think that is in a material way. Especially in the so-called Western countries. And the other countries think they also need to be like that.
To me taking care of myself is simplifying, downsizing. Living in harmony with all. Growing internally, being rich internally. Growing as a human being, caring, compassionate, loving. Not harming others, animals, nature, the planet herself. That is what taking care of myself is about. Less stress, more time, more awareness, more living in the present. No attachments, no expectations. Just being.
My connection to humans has always been a fragile one, as I do have a love-hate thing going on with humans in general. And someone I talked to sensed that. She said that I don’t show my true self fully. And that is true. My trust in humans has been damaged so many times that I am always on guard somewhat. I almost never give myself 100%. There is always a part of me, probably my deepest core, that will not reveal itself. And in the claiming my lane part that is an “issue”.
But with working on my self-love and acceptance, I also slowly opened to my fellow humans more and more. Still not revealing the deepest parts of myself, but getting there. Step by step. And being gentle on myself along the way.
And I have seen beautiful examples of humanity. Especially when shutting out the every day (bad) news, I have been getting a more positive outlook on humanity. My faith being restored step by step. My love for humans started growing. I saw beautiful projects, individuals making a difference, collaborations to live more in harmony with all.
My hope grew over time. Yes, it is changing. And with that, I fell for the good-bad again. I started judging people who were still on that “old” energy. Including those around me.
So, what can I do about it? I can take them on journeys to become better persons. Make them aware of their true nature. Connect them to nature. I can do this. I can “change” them. I can “make” this happen.
And then, in one moment, I was thrown back in time. With one image that was shared on Facebook by National Geographic. The pain and horror of that image. I felt the pain and the fear of the animals in the picture. And with that one picture, my faith and hope in humanity was shattered. So angry, so sad. I cried so hard. How can people do this! Selfish little bastards. I hope that something will come to wipe away these stupid overbreeding parasites. I hope that nature will turn on humans and destroy them once and for all. We don’t even deserve to survive. Heartless, stupid, mutant monkeys. That was what was going through my mind.
At that point, I thought, that’s it. I am giving up. I will disconnect from everything and live my life out as a hermit, taking care of animals and plants. I don’t want to connect with humans ever again.
I had a terrible night, couldn’t really sleep, had nightmares.
In the morning, still crying every time the image came back to me, I was ready to just shut everything down, also disappear from the online world. I truly was done with it. But, in one of my groups, someone shared something about pulling through, even if everything seems to be against you. She called it Sisu, it is a Finnish thing. Wow. Ok.
So, I stopped, took a moment, wiped my tears and asked the Universe and the animals why they had shown me this picture. They said they had to show me this, to remember my deepest why. To go on and keep going. But to remember my path. That I was wandering of it again. Listening to others about “how I should” do things. They told me to start listening to that inner voice even more. And share from my heart and intuition. No planning, or overthinking. Just speak what comes to me. I was chosen by the animals and nature to speak for them. To be their channel, their bridge. And I should not wander off to doing something else.
To keep on going with my original plan, to reconnect people with nature. To connect to the other channels and bridges, that are pure and without hidden agendas. To create something bigger on this together.
So, here I am. Still crying over that image. Sending love and healing to the animals involved. And being neutral to the humans that were involved in this. I am not ready to show compassion, I need some more time on this, but at least I am no longer on the destroying humanity path.
And this? This is who I am. This is what I care about. This is claiming my lane.