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Back again


I’ve been torn these last few weeks. Torn between my heart and soul and my mind. My mind is telling me to be responsible, look for a daytime job, and rent a place. My mind is telling me to stay in The Netherlands and live the ordinary life, be there for my mother, support others on their paths. My mind is telling me a lot of should haves. I should have worked harder on my marriage, I should have adapted more. Be happy with what I had. Be content.

But my heart and soul are telling me a very different story. To finally choose me. To go for it. To live the life of my dreams. To pack up my stuff, move to the land I love and build a new life. To step into my role as bringer of Earth Medicine, to reconnect people to nature in all it’s beauty. To play my part in this healing journey of humanity and the planet. It’s the dreamer in me, the idealist, the hopeless romantic. It is not to be selfish, but to create an extraordinary life, to realise my dreams, to take care of my own needs, fill my own cup and find that place in nature that I have always dreamed of.

Leaving the house of my ex-husband for good brought on a lot of grief. Over a lost life, saying goodbye to one of the dogs and the cats. Especially that last bit has been heartbreaking for me. And right now I am actually kind of missing my old life, even miss my ex-husband. Not that I want him back, but it’s more that everything I knew is now really over. The comfort. The familiar. And choosing me, moving to the UK, would mean I would not get to see them much. As with friends and family. Telling my mother I was going to the UK put her into an even deeper victim mode. She doesn’t understand, and who is going to take care of her, and this will kill her. She’s lost everything and I am going to make it worse. And yes, part of me understands that, and it is the part of me that has been thinking, okay, I will wait and move once she has passed. But that might take a long time. Too long to fulfil the promise I made to myself and Cheyenne. To create a life of love and ease and joy. The picture on top of this blog is of her in the UK, I asked her if she was happy and this was the face she gave me. I miss that face. So, for both our sakes, I just have to choose following my heart and soul. This once. My mind has been leading for far too long now. Like 40 years or so…..

But when I came here to the house sitting address, I was still in the mode of finding a temporary home and job in the Netherlands. Looking into the options and inquiring after prices and such however really got me down. Depressed actually. To the point I asked my ex if he would take Cheyenne back so I could find something on my own. Or maybe even leave this Earth. For good. Because at that point I was so fed up with life, society, rules and regulations, a money based society, that I had no more self-worth left.

So I journaled, meditated and more. And every time moving to the UK came to the surface. Even my ex said that he had not seen me and Cheyenne ever happier then over there. More tears. More releasing. So, I reached out to the person I stayed with earlier and she is giving me the option to start from her place. Stay there for a few months and build up from there. So, I looked into what was needed practically for that. Again, rules, regulations. And then came the procrastinating. On everything. On finishing my book. On looking for a way of income. The last bit of income I had is paused, as the one I co-create that with is just like me building up a new life. And we need our time and energy for that. So, the Universe is clearly giving me a message on that.

I am staying at a friends house at the moment, while they are away on an amazing trip to Canada. I needed to do this, to be here. To figure out even more. Because I still had living in a city and housesitting as options for ways of living. I now know I could never live in a city. And neither can Cheyenne. It is just too overwhelming for us country gals. Too much noise, too busy, too much pollution (in every form), no connection. People are not very friendly, always running, and living in their phone. Yes, the upside is that transport is easier, and shops nearby. But I would never thrive in a city. It would be a constant state of survival for us. And even with transport nearby, I am turning into a hermit! I don’t want to leave the house, and neither does Cheyenne. Housesitting is fine for now, but not an option in the long run. I now know I would love a place of my own. Not buying perse, but a place to call home where I can have my own stuff. I have no desire for a big home anymore or owning lots of stuff, but still. I also would love the freedom to do as I please. I have a vision of the place I would love and I know it is out there. I am learning how to receive, that has never been my strong point either, so I am inviting all of this in.

Transport is a constant “thing” for me. Travelling by public transport is ok, and I love trains, but not with Cheyenne. And not in the Netherlands. Overall the difference of being with a dog in the Netherlands or in the UK is huge. Almost nobody over here greets her, and more often look at her like she is a nuisance. And it is getting to us. I have been very mad at myself for not getting my drivers license when I could. Because I now am facing the consequences of that. It’s not that I didn’t try, or couldn’t drive, let’s say I have not been lucky with trying to get it. In the Netherlands it is not so easy to get a drivers license and very expensive. The money is the reason why I had to stop previous times, I just ran out. Because of all of that I thought it just wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t fit in with my ideals and values. It didn’t fit into my world of caring for the environment and the planet. But still, when living in the UK a drivers license would be handy. Cycling is not really an option there, that is very different from the Netherlands. And also because the trains are pretty expensive compared to the Netherlands. So, I have been looking at getting it, but the costs are just too much for me at this time. Moving to the UK will not change that for now, as over there I need to be a resident with my own address to be able to get it. So, even though it is kind of a priority, creating income and finding a place of my own are more important at this time. I do get tired of being dependant on others for transport though. It’s not freedom. But for now I have to overcome that part.

I’ve found an option to get some of my stuff over to the UK at a reasonable cost, it is something that was created for students, but they also offer their services for other people that are going abroad for a longer period of time. So, that will solve the problem of getting my stuff over there, because I have to travel by boat and train again with Cheyenne.

Basically, right now, I have made enquiries about most of the practical stuff, like health insurance and so on, I know I can stay in the UK for 6 months without a problem. I am getting Cheyenne’s rabies shot sorted out, because that would expire around the time I would go back to the UK. My friend has set some very agreeable terms for living with her. And I am actually ready to go. After the housesitting here and with someone else I can leave. Nothing is stopping me now but me. And my fears. And my what ifs. I am already having ideas around creating income, and am totally open to receiving income through various channels. Of being flexible. It’s the what ifs now, my mind trying to stop me. But when I start feeling into it, I really, really, really want to live in the UK.

My mind is at war with my heart and soul at times, but what I do now is show my mind the images of how it would feel to live the life of my dreams. I show my mind the pictures of how we felt when we were in the UK, walking on the moors, standing on top of hills, walking along rivers and lakes, being at the seaside. The overwhelming feeling of love, joy, peace, calm and inspiration I get when I am there. When my feet touch the land. That has never happened to me in the Netherlands. It is the feeling of coming home. I think I have been homesick for a long, long time. Probably ever since I’ve been to the UK the first time. When I was 15 or something. With school. And that was London, not even the countryside. My heart is there. Every time I go there a part of me is left behind. Calling for the rest of me to come over. And yes, I will run into some of the same things as I do over here. People are still people, governments, rules and regulations are everywhere. It will not be easy at times. A different culture, away from friends and family. The feeling of guilt on my shoulders about my mother. It will not go away. But the calling of the land is too big. I can no longer deny it. My heart and soul are bound with that land. That always inspires me, makes me feel loved, wanted. I no longer feel the need to explain this feeling, if you have never experienced it yourself it cannot be explained. I do feel it is now or never, also with Brexit in mind. I don’t want to reach the end of my life not having done this, forever wondering what it would have been like. Forever longing. I owe it to myself, my heart, my soul, and to Cheyenne. My mind will follow.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

p.s.: I am going to get my business, HeartMessages, going again, I am going to create some amazing things, just a bit more patience. And my book will get out there, but as with every good book, takes time to create 🙂 As you may have noticed by now I am not the quick fix kind of type. I share a lot of my daily insights and pull cards and more in my free Facebook group, so maybe you might want to join me and other beautiful souls there!


Surrendering to and accepting myself


I’ve been back from the UK now for a while, and this week is the last week I am staying at my ex-husbands place. From there I am going to house sit for a few weeks and after that? I don’t know yet. I am surrendering to what comes my way, to feel into everything I research, if that is in alignment with my heart and soul.

I’ve had time to think and feel a lot lately. To observe myself. How I react. What I do. If I have any blocks or limiting beliefs. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just fine. I am all I need to be. My tendency to compare myself to others, look for outside confirmation, they have all led to me trying to label myself as something. Putting myself in a box. And if there’s one thing I need to do, is stop doing that!

I had a talk with my publisher last week, and something I said suddenly made me realise the reason why my finances have been not in a good place and going down. Because what I did with every euro I earned, I invested them in more programs, coaches, ways to learn about myself. From OUTSIDE sources! And now I am at a point where I can no longer afford to do that, so life kind of forced me to look inside for answers. To look into my heart and soul.

And you know what I discovered? I really like me, yes love me even. When I am on my own I don’t judge myself, I don’t try to label myself or anything. I am fine just the way I am. I know my strong points, I know my weak points. And you know what? I don’t have to change any of them, or work on them. Because why do I do that? To conform to other peoples labels, boxes, expectations? All outside of myself.

In my core I am a very loving and caring person. And no, that can never be too much, I don’t have to shield or protect myself. I don’t have to do that once I fully accept, love and appreciate myself. The most loving thing I can do for myself is create a life that can handle being myself completely.

I don’t have to work on limiting beliefs or blocks, because I don’t have them. Others made me think I have them. And I listened to others, for a very, very long time.

I am sensitive, I feel deeply. Seeing animals, nature, the planet, people in pain causes me pain. Literally. My senses are working overtime at times. But should I change that? No. Why should I? Because that pain is causing me to take action. To feel passionate enough again to take steps towards doing something about it. That passion had been burned out many years ago, and I have been trying to ignite it with outside sources.

I made a list of what truly brings me joy, passion, love. And that is nature and the animals. That is what brings me healing, brings me to a place of peace and quiet. Inspires me deeply.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with people. I do. With certain people. That share the same passion. But not too much, not too long. It overwhelms me. And no, I no longer feel I need to change that. I am fine with who I am in this. You see, I’ve been looking for my “tribe” for many years. Because that’s what we are supposed to do, as social beings. Belong to a tribe or community. But I’ve never felt at home with any of them. And I am at a point now where I am no longer convinced I need to be. I am not a hermit, but I love being on my own, very much. Spending time in nature. Just being. Listening to music. Reading. Spending quality time with my dog. Not talking. Oh… the bliss of not talking all the time. I am allowing myself fully to find my own way in that too.

When it comes to my business, I am now sure I no longer want to run a business in the conventional way, even if it has the label heart-centered. I above all want to help nature, the planet, the animals, and just be. I don’t like selling. I don’t like pointing you to your painpoints, convincing you you have a limiting belief you need to work on, giving you a miracle solution, or make you dependant on me. There are loads of people out there who love doing all of that, so I leave that to them. I am a strong advocate of taking control over your own life and take responsibility for all your actions. I am doing that myself, and it is freeing and liberating.

I still love writing, but I love that because of the art of writing. It is my way of expressing myself. I don’t want to be put in a box as a writer and be flooded by all kinds of people who want to tell me how to write and how to market myself. Writing is not a business for me, it is much more.

So, I will do very little with my business. Maybe create some things that will help you reconnect to nature, but most things I will discontinue. For good this time. I will find other ways of income. And in that also find my own way, seeing how much I really need, and be happy with a simple and humble life. I no longer want to strive for bigger, better, more. My dream is a small home in the UK, in or near woods, lakes, rivers. And have loads of time to just be, walk in nature, write, read. Together with Cheyenne. No more working long hours to buy stuff I don’t need. I discovered I really don’t need much. And that too is ok.

I feel this is my purpose in life. The task I set myself this lifetime. To just allow myself to be. To accept and love myself as I am. Fully. Unapologetically.

So, that’s where I am at right now. I am going to look for a (temporary) home and job or income, to eventually start living my dream.

And I am loving it.

Much love




There and back again?


Yes, the title of this blog is a reference to the subtitle of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Because I have returned from my soul-journey to the UK. And I often felt like Bilbo, and Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. And I encountered many curious creatures on my path.

Did I find what I was looking for? Yes and no. And as with every great journey or adventure, it had many unexpected twists and turns. I don’t want to reveal too much with this blog as I will turn this into my second book (If my first ever comes out that is).

It was an amazing trip, that’s for sure. Even with all the interesting and at times scary stuff that happened. More than anything, every pilgrimage or quest will eventually be a journey on finding yourself. And I did, in many ways. And I met amazing people who held space for me when I needed it the most. My soul-dog Cheyenne turned out to be an amazing teacher and mirror for me.

Great expectations. Another reference to a book of one of my favourite authors all time, Charles Dickes. I tried to set out without expectations, as I always fear disappointment, and wanted, above all, enjoy the moment. But, they did creep in, the expectations. Because the traveling, by public transport and by foot, was what I was looking forward to the most. And the typical English weather, not too hot, some clouds, rain and more. Moody weather as I call it. And there were things I wasn’t looking forward too, like doing it all by myself, being alone, and other minor things. Well, as you might guess, the things I was looking forward too turned out to be quite a challenge and the things I was afraid of turned out to be the easiest of this journey.

Well, the weather? Somehow I traveled at the start of one of the most extreme warm summers ever recorded. And let me tell you, I don’t like heat! And Cheyenne doesn’t either. So the planned (and pre-booked) walking holiday turned out to be very different. I will tell more about that part in my book. Public transport wasn’t that easy, especially not with a dog, and was often very expensive.

I did learn I am never alone, and that there are some amazing souls out there that are offering help even when I am not always clear in asking for it. I did learn to ask for help, and be vulnerable. I discovered that I most of all went on this trip to prove to myself (and others) that I can do it all on my own. And I probably can, but I realised I don’t have to. That was a big lesson. And with no car and a dog that at one point didn’t want to enter a bus or train anymore, I had to make decisions along the way to alter my journey, be flexible and change every time. I ended up staying with the most wonderful and generous person I ever met in my life for a big part of my journey. I stayed in another amazing persons caravan for a week at the beach, and I absolutely loved it. I met up with my publisher in Liverpool, talking about life and more, everything but my book! But I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to visit before I left. And discovered other places I truly wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on.

I had a lot of time to think, journal, feel and cry. I had wonderful conversations with beautiful people. I laughed again. About simple things. Some people I met for just a short while, others I hope to know the rest of my life. Some people helped me to put things into perspective. Others just made me realise I have the gift of holding a sacred and safe space for people to open up and pour their hearts out.

My host and I had amazing conversations about our mutual talent as animal communicator, and we discovered a very similar way or thinking and working. Something we both thought we never would. I helped her, she helped me. She helped me with understanding Cheyenne better. And with that myself. And her (and the amazing owner of the caravan too) giving nature “forced” me into receiving mode. I realised that receiving is something so hard for me. I realised that I never considered anything in my life as “mine”. Not even the money I got from the sale of the house. Somehow it felt like “his” money. It made me realise I really hardly ever ask anything for myself. That in asking something there is always something deeper behind it, helping someone or something else, helping the planet. I am so afraid of being considered egoistic or egocentric. I realised I have some heavy karma I carried into this life with me. The karma of “suffering”. I decided there that from now on I would enjoy more instead of suffer. I realised that despite the “suffering”, underneath there is a base of being happy and content. When there are no outer distractions, when I am on my own in nature, well with Cheyenne, I am at my core very peaceful, and at ease.

I discovered what I don’t want anymore, and am getting more clear on what I do want and desire. I’ve read a book on alternative living while I was traveling, and that helped me narrow down what kind of house or home I would like. I realised it is perfectly fine to want to have something “of my own”. There is no need to fear I will become greedy, as that is not in my nature. But I can have enough, or even just more than enough, abundance. I know that in my case, that will never be about endless growth and desire.

I felt very welcome, even if the weather was more than I could handle, and I never felt unwanted. Or too much. It felt effortless, even with the traveladventures.

The energy of the land, the amazing countryside, the hills, the (not so green) fields, the buildings, the rivers, wildlife, everything. It was very deeply healing, and deeply inspiring.

So much so, that at one point I just felt ready to go back to the Netherlands for now and start mapping out my new future and take action steps towards that. Those are in random order: finding my own (temporary) place, find a source of regular income, get a drivers license, start taking action on re-building my business and eventually move to the UK permanently.

Regarding living: I do know my heart and soul are so connected to the UK, that I kind of left them behind again. So I will start taking steps towards uniting my body with my heart and soul in the land that I so deeply love, and loves me in return. So much so, it almost didn’t let me leave! But read more on that in my book 😉

Regarding work: For now I am ok with finding a form of income next to my writing and other creative work. Ideally, I will get enough income from my books and related products, writing articles and blogs and more. I do feel more and more called to really actively get people connected to nature again, in a positive way. Earth-medicine is my way, so nature walks, be-treats, meditations, and more. I am also looking into working together with others more in creating things like that, like I am already doing with Karin Monster in our Healing Circle.

Regarding drivers’ license: I thought that would be the first step, but somehow it feels like I need to get that once I live in the UK. It does make sense, so I will do that when I live there.

Regarding my business, HeartMessages: rebuilding it as a way to support me on my writers and Earth-Medicine journey.

I still have a lot of mindset work to do, but I know there are people out there I can turn to, who have my back, and I can turn to when I need a little moral support. I know I don’t need another (business-)coach, I’ve been there, done that so to speak, it is time to finally step into my own power and start creating from my heart, my being. No longer giving my power away, by doing what others feel I should be doing, and never really feeling the joy and passion in it. But by doing what gives me joy and is my passion. I saw passion. With the people I stayed with, the people I talked with. At the gathering my host had organised and how all the presenters were truly authentically passionate about what they shared. How passionate my host is about her work as animal communicator and teacher. I loved that. It is something I’ve always missed in my work and jobs so far. What is my passion? Well, obviously, it’s nature. It has always been nature. The animals, the planet. And I am very good at being, just being. Being at peace. Being in silence. Connecting to all that is. Being a voice for those who don’t speak human. And this is what I would love to share and let others experience. Through my writing, through nature walks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Returning back to The Netherlands felt like a cold shower, but I was still going to go for it. I was allowed to return to live with my ex-husband for now, but it felt and feels very awkward. For both of us. And on top of that, the summer decided to take it up a notch. Last week the temperatures reached hights I hadn’t experienced in a long time, the room I am staying in is the hottest in the house, so had to stay in other parts of the house. Going outside was just not doable for me, and when it is this hot, my brain sort of stops functioning, so all not working in my favour. I felt homesick, miserable, my feet very swollen from the heat, had several horsefly bites with an intense reaction, the mosquitos seem to like me all of the sudden. It’s not easy living with my ex, I feel like I am too much and in his way, my mother is not well but she is too stubborn to really accept help from others than my sister and me, the responsibilities are taking its toll on me again. The worries about my house and income situation put me into acting from a place of fear and panick again instead of peace and calm. And I miss the nature walks, the relative peace and silence I so crave. I made a list of all the friends that want to connect to me, and it is freaking me out so much that I don’t want to reach out at all. I felt very stuck. Again. Much like how I felt before I left for my journey. I wondered if I would be able to break the “suffering” mode that I promised to do when I was in the UK, or if suffering was just something I signed up for in this life. But, being back on social media, made me realise that my suffering is not as bad as for a lot of other people in the world. It did help me put things in perspective. Not that I am downgrading what I feel, and I have felt like ending it all at one point, but it does make me realise that it is not all that bad. That I need to step out of my own drama and stories.

So, here we are today. The worst of the heat has gone, and I feel a little more able to think again, and feel, and again ready to move forward. I realise the journey never stopped after returning to the Netherlands, it just goes on. And on. And it probably will never stop. As so many great people always have said: it is about the journey after all, and not the destination.

I am ready for the next leg of this journey called life.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.

Soul Journey


Well, it’s almost time. Coming Monday I will be leaving for my road trip/pilgrimage through the UK. I actually call it my soul journey, because it is a way for me to fully reset. After everything that has happened the past few years. And how I have lost myself, my path, my way.

Not that it’s been all bad, on the contrary. But…. What I have come to realise in the process of writing my book is that I have been a people pleaser for far too long. Always thinking of others, in everything I do. Maybe some of my choices have seemed egocentric, but then there was an idea of a higher purpose behind it. Of being of service to others, the animals, the planet. I have never really done anything truly for myself. Until now. This trip is truly for me.

The journey has already begun. With making choices and decisions along the way. Testing things out. But also in letting go of always thinking of others. Of my now ex-husband, my mother, my sister, my friends, my pets, my business and so on. The idea of packing my stuff and going away for a few weeks is bringing me a sense of joy, freedom, excitement, fear, doubt, anxiety. Everything you can imagine. When I look at the dog that is staying behind, and the cats, I tear up every time. I have to let go. I have to trust that they will be fine with my ex. He is a great guy, even if we don’t fit anymore, and I know he loves them, so I just need to let go of that responsibility. I need to let go of the worries around my sister, now having to cope with everything around my mother on her own for a while. I need to let go of the worries for the future and just live in the present. I am not clear on where I will end up when I get back. Where my “own” place will be. What kind of work I will do. What kind of tribe I want to connect with.

I will be offline as much as possible, really be with myself, my dog, nature, and everything that will come onto my path. It is time to choose my own path now, and no longer follow other people’s ways. To break free from the norms of society, to live a free life as much as possible. To make choices that bring me joy, instead of them being wise and sensible choices. Choices because of the fear of losing control. I am hitting the reset button.

I need to be away from the people I know (and love) for a while, because I need to find out what I, what my heart and soul, truly long for. Away from well-meant worries and advice. Away from outside influences. Find a sense of confidence in my own choices. Not let other people’s opinions and fears influence my choices anymore.

So, yes, I am ready for this. And I am not. But I am going to do it anyway. Because my heart and soul are telling me to do this.

I will check in with you all in a few weeks but for now, please remember to embrace and enjoy life, whenever and wherever you can. Life will always have challenges for you, but every day holds special moments. Look for those when you feel it all becomes too much. Look into the eyes of your child, your dog. Be with a flower, a tree. Watch the honeybees gathering the pollen as if they weren’t endangered. Watch the clouds in the skies, the stars at night. Life is beautiful, but sometimes we forget how beautiful it can be.

Much love,


A sustainable life


Normally I have no problem writing a blog. But this one? I started it over and over again. I think I really got in the way of myself. Because every time when I read it back, I felt it was too judgmental, I was too (self-)righteous.

But I still have a deep need in me to share about this. About what is happening to our planet, to nature, to the animals. I am not saying I have it all together, I am constantly making steps towards a life that is more in harmony with nature and the planet. I want to simplify my life, make my footprint on the earth smaller.

I have been on a long journey, and during that journey, I have always been making concessions. Depending on the people or circumstances in my life at that time. But this deeper drive to create a simplified life and more awareness have always been there. When I was in my teens I even wanted to join Greenpeace and actively start saving animals and chaining myself to trees and more.

I never did though, I never walked protest marches. I donated money. I signed petitions. I did door to door collecting for animal protection organisations. I made some steps towards living a more sustainable life. But never the steps I really wanted to make, deep down. Always making concessions.

I once followed a course about the impact we have on nature, the environment. And in that course, certain things were predicted would happen. But back then even I didn’t think it would come that far. But it is happening. All that was foreseen would happen if we wouldn’t change our consumer behaviour is happening. And even things they didn’t foresee, like the plastic soup problem.

I’ve wandered off my path. Trying to find some form of middle way. I had spiritual people tell me I shouldn’t worry that much, don’t take the weight of the Earth on my shoulders. The Earth had her own path to walk, and it would turn out all right they said. Looking back at statements like that, it feels just like they were maybe just looking for ways to justify their own actions. Or non-actions. Because change is not always easy. But, the spiritual concept of oneness, should be reason enough to take action! If Mother Earth could do this by herself, she would have done so already, and people like me, who want to create awareness wouldn’t be born. Wouldn’t feel they are on a mission. They would not be needed. They wouldn’t exist!

I’ve wandered off my path, thinking I needed to help people. That my talent as healer and animal communicator was the way to create this awareness. But it didn’t bring me what I was aiming for. They said I needed to be patient, that it would take time. Things like this don’t change or happen overnight. But I feel time is running out! And I am in danger of ending up in a place where I don’t care about what happens to my own species anymore. That I want to throw the towel in the ring. Just live out my life in a simple way.

But I can’t. Because I do care. Maybe even too much. Not just about people close to me, but about nature, the animals, the planet. It breaks my heart to see them suffering from our actions. From our demanding ways of life.

So, for now, I am most of all taking action towards my own behaviour, and seeing how I can take steps towards living a simple and sustainable life. Be a living example, walk my talk. To show that this kind of life can be just as fulfilling, if not more fulfilling. Because it also involves finding joy and happiness within, and no longer from outside sources, especially in material form.

Last year I started a declutter journey. Going through “my” things and getting rid of what I no longer wanted to have or need. Along the way, I got so many insights and revelations on this. How we are constantly bombarded from all sides that we need outside stuff to make us happy. We need certain foods, personal hygiene products, cosmetics, cars, vacations, spiritual growth, careers. We need to follow certain ways of life, get married, have children, buy a house, own a car, have a tv, computer, smartphone.  We need to go on (spiritual) retreats, we need to do things that help us relax, like getting massages, going to spas, and so on. And the latest trend is to (again) use animals for that. And I do believe animals can help us with that, but it should be voluntary and guided by someone who can read the needs of the animal. It is not all about us. I think humans should really get off their high horse. Literally.

And there is another aspect to this. We want more. We need growth and expansion. So, we need the newest products, newest innovations. More. Bigger. Better. And, in my humble opinion, if we fall for that, we lose our connection to nature, and what and who we truly are. Because we ARE nature.

I have never been very attached to “things”. Not even the houses I lived in. So, it was and is easy for me to let go. I am not even that attached to relationships, I always feel people come and go in one’s life, some maybe just for a short while, others stay a lifetime. But I have never wanted to own them, possess them, claim them. I don’t get the concept of a BFF for instance. I also don’t really get the whole marriage constitution anymore. I feel it is most of all something that is conditioned. Why not be with someone just for the sake of being together. Enjoying each other’s company. Without any form of “forever”. And expectations. And marriage has also been turned into a huge commercial thing. Bigger, better, more. Everything is turned into a competition. Bigger, better, more.

I am turning this around for myself. Less is more. I am going for inner growth. Get my needs answered from within. And not consume or own more than I need. In fact, I want to let go of the whole being owner illusion. I realised this regarding the house we lived in. As a “house owner”. That was never really ours, but the banks. And it is not even the banks. Because all the material used for building that house once was part of the earth. And we took it from her, without payment, without giving thanks, without giving anything in return. Hell, even the ground the house stands on does not belong to us. It is not ours to claim or sell for that matter. Humans seem to be very greedy. Now that is a trade humanity could do without.

But, again, I don’t want to sound like I am preaching something, or that I am better than others. Not at all. It is just because I care. On so many levels. I just want to create awareness, so that people can make more conscious choices. And please, don’t say that humans need to heal themselves first, as so many have pointed out at me because if we wait for that, it might be too late! I believe very much that our healing paths are linked to the healing of the earth because we are all one. When you start to heal yourself, heal your life, you will become aware of the impact of your choices on the whole.

Now, I cannot force other people to change, and I don’t want to, the motivation has to come from the right place, from within, but I can change myself. With every choice I make at this time, I am taking into account the effects of that on the planet, the animals. Everything. And it starts with figuring out what I really need. Back to basics.

So, just to sum up some things that I have been thinking about and want to change:

Housing: When you think about it, the whole being human isn’t very sustainable. We are the only species on earth that need year-round housing, clothing, preparing of food. So, as I chose the human experience this round, I kind of need a roof over my head. Now, what I feel at this time, is that this doesn’t have to be a home in the form of owning a place. Renting is just as good. I’ve considered many forms of alternative living, but I haven’t found anything that really speaks to me. It is either in a community form where there are certain rules and regulations, or the why of the community, that doesn’t speak to me. What I do like is the sharing part, like sharing household appliances, sharing a veggie garden and more. I’ve been looking at tiny houses, but besides the whole money/land/ownership around these, I wonder how sustainable they really are on the long run. They are mostly made from wood, so a lot of trees are being sacrificed for them, and I wonder how long they will last. One lifetime? And then? So, in my eyes, not really sustainable. So, I am not convinced about the form of home I want to live in. I do know I don’t want a big house anymore. The bigger the house, the more stuff you seem to gather. And what would I want with all that space! I really don’t like cleaning, I feel I can use my time for other things ? So, a small house. Near or in nature would be preferable. As I don’t have a driver’s license, or a car, I need to take that in mind too. And I don’t want a driver’s license. Not for now. Not as long as cars and fuel are a big contributor to the environmental problems. Looking at furniture, not too much, produced in a sustainable way, or second hand. Right now I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and I have no problems with that at all ? I don’t care about having the latest fashion, in any area of my life! Being sustainable is my fashion ? I am more and more disliking the ornamental ways of gardening, that have no natural value what so ever. And why have a garden if you fill it with tiles? Don’t get that at all. Smothering Mother Earth. Causing problems with heavy rainfall. To me a garden is the perfect place to connect to nature, to ground, to plant things that help the animals, that work together. To have a vegetable garden, so I can grow my own foods. Things like that. And work together with nature, not declare war on nature. If something doesn’t thrive in my garden, then it’s not in the right place (yes, this is a metaphor), I will not try to use chemicals to force it to thrive, or to kill the bugs that are having a feast with it. And I want to live with green energy as much as possible. Not use any more energy than needed.

Transport: Already talked about that a bit. I love walking and wouldn’t mind living in an area where I can do most of my exploring and shopping on foot. Traveling to other places I would preferably do by public transport. And I want to avoid flying as much as possible. If that means I will not see as much of the world, then so be it. I want to live life in the slow lane anyway, I wasn’t meant for living life in the fast lane. Never was. I was always “slower” than others. I started thinking about all the precious materials and resources used for transport, especially in this “throw-away-buy the latest-society” we live in now. They are not even made to last long anymore! I see it in my bicycle, in the car of my ex. So, yes, transport is an area of attention for me.

Food: I am already vegetarian, but leaning towards becoming vegan. I just need to find the right things to replace the eggs and cheese, and that my body can handle. The meat and dairy industry is not sustainable, and horrible to the animals. So, yes, that. There is more to eating that piece of meat on your plate then meets the eye. But most people want to ignore that, because they love the taste of meat. I doubt that, for I don’t see people eating raw meat. It’s not like eating an apple. It has to be slaughtered, prepared, seasoned, cooked. So, do they really like the taste of meat? Something to think about? And the oceans are getting empty, so also no more fish products for me. And then there is amounts of packing material I encounter when I cook a meal. It is making me sick. The amounts of plastic, paper, and other stuff. Wow…. That needs to change. And I want to eat even more organic. I will have to find ways to do that. Right now, I am still making concessions for several reasons, and I don’t want to have to make them anymore. Food is medicine. It is first medicine. I only drink water and herbal tea and some rice milk for my breakfast. And last year I realised how much precious resources are wasted in making alcoholic beverages (including so much water), so I stopped drinking the little alcohol I did all together. And I am not missing it at all. Drinking water is something I can do better at, as right now where I live I don’t trust the quality of the tap water, so I am using bottled water. And I know that is a big source of the plastic soup problem. But as long as there are weird chemicals in the tap water, I will not drink that, and only use it for other things. I try to eat as much refined sugar free as possible, and that has also made a huge impact on my health, together with getting rid of foods with artificial sweeteners, flavour and colour enhancers. When I look at an average ingredients list in the supermarket all I can think of is why…. It is not beneficial for our health, so why?

Personal care products and clothing: another thing I am passionate about. There is so much I don’t understand in this, and never really have. Why using all that stuff to look different? And having many allergies to especially chemical products, have made the choices in this easy for me. I only use very basic stuff, and even in there I feel I can do even better. And clothes, well, I kind of wear them until they fall apart, and then throw away. Or if I don’t fit them anymore, they will go to charity, or a second-hand store. Did you know the clothing industry is the second largest polluting industry after cars/oil? And not to mention the child-labour aspects in clothing. But, it is not easy finding suitable, sustainable, organic clothes that I can wear with my allergies, and are affordable. And then often my size comes in the way. But I am getting there, finding my way in the clothing jungle. I still wear leather shoes, because that is about the only thing I can handle on my feet. And as long as I live in areas where walking bare feet is either too cold or too dangerous with all the litter lying around combined with hot asphalt, I have to make some choices in this. But, again, wearing shoes until they fall apart, or can’t be repaired anymore. Yes, shoes can be repaired you know. So can clothes for that matter. Personal care is very basic for me, and I try to shower just once a week. It’s better for my skin, and for the environment. I don’t wear make-up or nail polish, I only use a basic crème for after the shower (remember, the chemicals in the water), I have found an amazing shampoo block that is awesome for my hair and lasts a long time. And it is not in a plastic bottle! So, even less plastic soup. I hardly ever use deodorant, and since I stopped using that I’ve been getting less smelly. Also, don’t shave anymore, I feel that was also part of scent problem. I don’t use perfume or other scents to mask my own smell. Nothing wrong with my own smell 😀 I think we have forgotten how to smell like humans 😀 (I feel there is more to this, but that is for another blog). I make my own toothpaste based on coconut oil and clay and oil. It lasts longer, I don’t have those plastic tubes, and ever since I started using it, the health of my teeth and gums have improved. My period is a thing of concern, I still use disposable pads (organic), but everything else I have tried so far gave me a rash. And a rash or itching down there sucks. I don’t have heavy periods, so I am not using that much pads per period, but still. And I am almost 49, so probably will not have periods for that long anymore. But if you can stand things like silicon, there are cups and stuff. I also tried to use washable pads and stuff, but they started to irritate too, especially during cycling.

Health-care: Well, ever since I started working on myself inside and out, I am relatively healthy by now. I hardly ever have to visit a doctor or hospital anymore. If there is something going on I prefer to go with natural remedies as support, but only after I have figured out what the meaning is behind what I am experiencing. Even if I cut myself! I wasn’t paying attention ? My preferred remedies are herbal remedies, flower remedies, animal essences (no actual animals are in there, just the energy), essential oils (scarcely) and homeopathy. Especially that last one fits my sustainable lifestyle, and I have had many good results with it. And of course, looking at my diet helps. I have also stopped smoking many years ago, and not taking anything with hormones anymore. I hardly ever use painkillers, I just listen to my body, rest, and meditate, use breathing techniques. And homeopathy ? Pain and discomfort are signs of my body something is going on, and I will no longer suppress the signs. I also take care of my emotional and mental health, by writing, journaling, talking to people, and going into nature. Especially that last one is one of my biggest medicines. Just connecting to the earth, the plants, the trees, the animals. Hmmmm ? And even though I like a good massage and visiting a spa once in a while, I would love to create a life where I don’t need them anymore, just do it because I love it. Well, visiting a spa might fall off my list, not very sustainable ? But still, self-care and self-love is a big part of health-care. Also looking at what makes my heart sing, and doing more of that. And wanting to move to a cleaner area, with less air-water-light-noise pollution.

Material Possessions: For some reason I have been a collector of “stuff” for many years. Not a hoarder, but still, buying stuff I don’t really need. Even collected stamps for a while, and collectable movie cards. When I started to declutter last year, it felt so freeing. And it really made me wonder why we do this. Is this still the hunter/gatherer caveman inside of us? Now, I have never been someone to buy something new while the old was still working, but even then I had so many stuff. Books, most of them never read and probably never will. CD’s, from a time when you had to buy cd’s in order to listen to music. DVD’s, most of them bought because I liked the movie, but never watched again. So many statues and other ornamental stuff. Why? Only space filling! So many mugs, and bowls, and other household stuff I would never use. And I could go on and on. Also loads of spiritual stuff, two harps (one of them I never played), instruments I never used. I have sold and given away so many stuff. And I still feel I have too much stuff. Photo’s. So many of them. Never looking at them besides a few precious ones. And I don’t have children, so who would I pass them on too? Time to clear those too. Only keep a few. Digital clutter! Don’t underestimate digital clutter. Mails from years ago, old files, and other stuff kept for safekeeping I didn’t even know I had stored. The dangers of the digital cluttering! Old phones, old glasses that I couldn’t even wear anymore. The only thing that did come in handy was that I kept all my old calendars, diaries, journals. It helped me in writing my first book. A phone, a laptop, a desktop. Mobile phone and landline phone. All the electronic devices using up energy. I don’t want to own a tv anymore, the media is nothing but brainwashing bad news anyway, and then brainwashing advertising telling you to buy their product to be happy (after seeing all that bad and negative stuff). Or how we all should compete about everything, because you only matter when you are a winner. Out with the tv and most movies for that matter. Hollywood is also screwing up our ideas about love and romance!

Pets: One thing that is a challenge on sustainability is having pets. When I see how much waste I get from them, the food containers, cat litter, poop bags and more. And the way their foods are produced, the ingredients and more. And having a pet on an organic diet is expensive, and there is not much choice. Well, there is more and more, but still. If my pet refuses to eat the organic stuff, then what? If all goes well, I will end up with just one dog, and the other pets will stay with my ex, but it is something for me to think about in the future. How sustainable is having pets? I know they are good for our well-being, but still, have to consider this.

Work/income: This is maybe the most difficult part for me right now. Even though I dream of a world with a different kind of economic system, where money is not the most important thing, right now, in this time, I do need some money. But… if I declutter and simplify in every area, how much money would I actually need? And what is really important to me? I value free time to just explore and be much more than a big house or a lot of stuff. Or going on holidays. I am figuring that out right now. Housing in the Netherlands is very expensive, so most of what I need would be for living. So, maybe move to another country? Freedom to roam the Earth is not doable in these times, so have choices to make. And then, where would my income come from? I am still doubting if I want to continue being an entrepreneur. It is not really “my thing” I believe, because I don’t like selling. And all the rules and regulations. Many people have tried to get me to sell essential oils from certain brands as a source of income, but I don’t feel that’s right for me. Besides not liking the whole system behind those brands, I don’t think it’s very sustainable. I know the amounts of materials needed to produce a kilogram of oil, and if everybody starts using the oils in the quantities these companies want, we would need extra planets! So, not something that is in alignment with my values. And selling something that I cannot support will never work anyway. So, what then? Work in a supermarket? In an office again? If I have to I will, but if I can avoid that I will try. And I could only work for companies or organisations that are in line with my values and beliefs. Maybe I will just go work on an organic farm, hands in the soil, taking care of animals, being outside. Hmmmm. I wouldn’t mind that at all. What I do love is writing, so I want time for that. Books, blogs, inspirational short stories, channelling the messages from the animals and nature. I didn’t go into the writing business to become a best seller. I do it because I love to write. And just as any other area in my life, I value quality above quantity. So, no mass production. These are my babies, and I don’t want to hurry their delivery. They are to inspire, not sell my ideas, my products, my 10-step plan to happiness. So, maybe some additional work in that area, that I can do from home. Editing, translating, narrating? Become the next Richard Attenborough?

Now, I can almost hear you thinking, that is a boring life! Well, to me it isn’t! I have a very rich life because for me it is all about experiences. And I have plenty of those. It is about being. About inner peace, being in balance with nature. THAT makes me happy! Life for me is not about the fast lane, the career, the numbers, the goals, the achievements. About doing as much stuff as possible. About learning yet another skill. About always being involved in something. Life is about living. Enjoying the simple things in life. Enjoying the flowers, the clouds, the butterflies, smiling children, new-born babies. Singing and dancing like I used to when I was a kid. Stamp in the puddles and get dirty clothes. Walk bare feet, where my toenails get so dirty it takes weeks for them to get clean. These are all for free. So is laughter.

Just think about it. So many people have regrets on their deathbeds. Wishing they had loved more, laughed more, danced more. They above all would have loved to spend more time with their loved ones. Instead, they were busy with earning money to buy stuff and experiences they thought would make them and their families happy. Because that’s how they’ve been conditioned and that conditioning is kept alive by the media. And in the meantime, all that family wanted was for them to be home more often, to spend quality time together. Connection, that is what it is all about. Connection to self, to nature, to other people, to life itself. The lack of connection and love is the only lack we have to deal with as humans. This lack that is causing us to flee in outer satisfaction, creating religious fanatics and spiritual bypassing. This lack that is causing us to harm each other in terrible ways. This lack that has created #metoo, the rise of so many criminals (including politicians and big corporate leaders), that is the cause of narcissism. This lack that is masked by a feeling of lack in other areas, including money and abundance.

I know for myself I still have a lot to heal on the connection part, especially the connection to my fellow species, but I am making a start. On to a sustainable, harmonious, loving, connected life.

Much love,


Patience please, I’m creating a dream….


“Imagine everywhere was free to roam

Imagine if the trees could tell us where to go

Imagine that the sun could fill each lonely heart

Imagine confrontation never got a start

Imagine things will were always crystal clear

Imagine if the mind never interfered

Imagine we could fly with broken wings

Imagine if the heart could shed its skin

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Imagine sacred sites were left to be

Imagine if true activists controlled tv

Imagine captain Watson had the final say

Imagine if industry just had to obey

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream”

Xavier Rudd

This song is from Spirit Bird, a cd by Xavier Rudd, an amazing cd, with amazing songs. Not just Follow the Sun that has become so popular.

I had been writing a blog on sustainability, but every time I went back to writing it, I felt there was something off. And then somebody shared something on Facebook about (self-)righteousness. And that was it. It was judgmental. I am rewriting it now, with just the things I have done for myself and plan to do in the (near) future to live an even more sustainable life.

You see, I have but one passion, one true passion, and that is nature. In all its glory. Nature to me is the planet, the earth, the rivers, the winds, the trees, the plants, the animals, everything. Even humans, as we too are nature, but they are not my priority. There are enough people out there that have people as a priority.

Being human is probably my biggest struggle in life, I guess it’s what I came here to learn. To be human. To experience the human form, the human thinking, the human feeling. And it’s not easy. I love the pure, authentic simplicity of the natural world. And somehow, I haven’t found that in the human world. Well maybe here and there, but not in general.

I am a dreamer, and I am not the only one. Another great song, by another dreamer. But right now, I am on a mission to get those dreams come true. I cannot do it for the whole of humanity, but I can do it for myself, and maybe by doing this without judging or feeling (self-)righteous, I can inspire others. To wake up just a little. To be more conscious just a little. Every step is a step, no matter how big or small. And I truly feel that once the process of waking up has begun (and it has) it will at one point tip the scale. It will become “contagious”. Humans will start to realise what really matters. That it is not money, status, material wealth and growth, but love, experience, inner growth, connection.

For me, that will start with coming home to myself. The next step on this journey is travelling to a country (known as the UK) that will help me in this process, as the land there feels so familiar. With my dog Cheyenne, who is on a similar soul journey. We are kindred spirits. And I feel we have spent many lives together, not just in this dimension.

With everything I do, I decide, I think about the impact it will have on the planet, on the animals, the climate. I feel I need to leave this vessel with nothing, just as I came in. Well, nothing in the material sense of the word. But filled with experiences and lessons. I truly want to live a humbler life, not own anything anymore, or not much.

I not so long ago had a discussion with someone about money, and at one point she asked, so you think money corrupts? And I said yes. Because I see this happening all the time. The need for more, more money, more stuff. I feel it corrupt. Maybe not always in big ways, but I have seen many people throw their ideas and values overboard once they had the opportunity to earn more money or gain more status. Sure, not every time, but still. It truly requires a different mindset, not just on a personal level, but on the level of the whole of humanity, that acquiring money and status are not the meaning of life.

I remember when working with business coaches on my “money blocks” them stating money follows joy. I find that hard to swallow, seeing how much money people have that get this through exploiting others, children, animals, nature, the planet. If they have joy in doing that, it would mean even more reason for me to pull back from society and live a humble life. With only enough money to “survive”.

Something else I have been doing lately is diving into what truly brings me joy, and yes, I do need some money for that, as this society still is based on money as means of exchange, but they are fairly simple. Nature brings me joy. The animals bring me joy. Travelling brings me joy (but not in the fast lane). Meditating brings me joy. Music brings me joy. Healthy foods bring me joy. Dancing brings me joy. Singing brings me joy. Deep, meaningful conversations bring me joy. As you see, not much in there that requires that much money.

The one thing that I did encounter though that costs a lot of money and is filled with so many rules and regulations is housing. And the costs that come with that. Especially on this part I am so lost about what I want.

And so, yes, I will be travelling for a while. And yes, to the UK, as I always feel more at ease there, more inspired, more at home if you will. And being away from certain responsibilities and influences to help me get a clear head. To rediscover who I truly am behind all those roles I have played thus far. Who am I if I am not a wife, daughter, sister, friend, caretaker. And other parts that I have taken on now and in the past.

I do have visions, I have had these visions for many years. Of me living in a simple home, in the forest, with lakes nearby, with animals and a small vegetable garden. Where I can watch the sun come up and set again. Dance in the rain. And enjoy life with just being. With some reading. With writing. Maybe that is all I need.

How to get there without money or a steady income, that is something I hope to get some guidance on during my trip. Maybe it will be writing, and nothing more than that. During the trip, I also plan to do a pilgrimage, where I am really on my own for a few days, just with Cheyenne-dog. To come home to me most of all.

Because I do know what I don’t like and don’t want anymore. Things I have tried, things others said I would be good at. Following other people’s rules, societies rules. No more, I am going to follow my inner compass from now on. Because I have experienced what feeling good feels like, and they were often when I followed my own rules.

I am not a salesperson, I am not a coach, I am not a traditional teacher. I don’t like selling, I don’t like to point people to their pain. I am tired of people not taking responsibilities and just waiting for someone to fix it all for them. Whether that’s a therapist, a coach, a doctor, a partner, a family member, a friend, a pet even. Who keep shopping around and not ever really do the work. I am tired of people pointing fingers at others when it comes to the environment, the planet, pollution. We all play our part in that, including me. I am still not at the point where I want to be in taking my responsibilities for the planet. I am done with working on my blocks and limiting beliefs, dealing with my past and more. It is all there, I can’t change that, I can rewrite the outcome. I don’t want to blame my past for who I am today. I don’t want to blame anyone from my past for who I am today. Only I can determine who I am today. I don’t want people saying to me that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want to grow in my business, have more clients, money or possessions. They really don’t know or understand me if they do. I don’t want to have a conventional relationship anymore, I above all want my freedom and simplicity. No more expectations, no more should do’s or should be’s.

So, you see, I am already pretty clear on what I want and don’t want, but how to get there, that is the challenge.

Yes, there is fear, there is anxiety on taking these steps. Steps towards a world that is so different from what I grew up in. A world that is so alien to so many. But I feel I have to. Creating a new paradigm takes courage. And steps into the unknown. And connecting to like-minded spirits. No more following of false guru’s, the so-called spiritual people that basically have inflated egos. Not a power based connection, but equality and respect.

So, here I go, towards an external life that is more in alignment with my internal world. No more faking it. Ready to walk my talk and be one with nature again. So maybe a better title of this blog is  Patience please, I’m realising a dream…..

And I am truly grateful for those who make it possible for me to do this, thank you. You know who you are.




It’s Alive!


Well, actually, She is alive.

I am talking about this amazingly beautiful, wonderful, abundant planet we are honoured to live on. She that we call Earth. That I call Mother Earth.

She who is always there for us, no matter what we throw at her.

How many of you see the planet as a living, breathing being? I do.

Her time differs from ours though, and what is a day to us is probably many hundreds or even thousands of years in her experience. Just as an animal that has a short lifespan in our eyes just as much experiences a whole lifetime.

I love her, I am in love with everything she offers me. Life. So much beauty. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Oh wait, there IS no life as we experience it without her.

I often feel her pain, her worries. I wonder how she sees us. Yesterday I wondered if maybe we are just a nasty bug, that she can’t seem to get rid of.

It actually isn’t that weird to think of us as a bug. As a virus. That is spreading throughout her body, affecting her organs, invading her cells, like parasites using up all she is.

Maybe we were once an innocent little virus that co-existed with her perfectly, and every time her immune system was affected we got out of control. But, every time she could contain us spreading like crazy. Maybe we are like the kind of virus that normally is present in a body, but doesn’t do much harm until the body is compromised by something else.

She had a similar virus once before and had to get help from outside to get rid of that one. Only a small part of that virus stayed behind, pretty harmless living in harmony with her.

We think Earth is pretty old, but I don’t feel she is that old. She’s probably in her thirties by now. And she has been getting stronger over the years, but this virus, wow, it’s a nasty one. This virus mutates fast and finds ways to fight of her defence system.

So she is developing a fever now, with a cold fit every now and then, and shivering, shaking, breathing heavily. Maybe that will get rid of the virus.

And the other nasty thing about this virus is that it is affecting her natural and healthy flora and fauna. Already some members have been lost. Her whole system is off balance now.

This virus, called Homo sapiens, is a weird one. Because part of this virus isn’t that bad and is actually trying to help her. But that is still a small percentage and they don’t or slowly multiply. The biggest percentage is actually multiplying like mad! And mutating so fast, she can’t keep up with looking at new ways to control the virus.

She is thinking of asking for outside help again. Maybe her partner, Father Sun can be of assistance. Maybe he can throw some fire down. But, that would also affect the healthy flora and fauna. On the other hand, she survived the other times too. She recovered and came out stronger.

She knows one day her life will come to an end, as does everything. She will be absorbed by Father Sun, and together they will return to Source. They will become Stardust once more, only to be reborn from that at one point. To create a new family.

But she is not ready to die just yet. So, she will keep huffing and puffing and is giving all she can. And she has asked Source to help that small percentage of the virus that mutated into a benign form to become stronger. To help them become part of her defence system. She hopes that this will be enough and that she will not have to take more extreme measures.

Just some random thoughts I had on a Monday night. Or are they just thoughts?




!!!! Warning: if you are the type that only wants to read pink fluffy happy go lucky positive posts, you’d better not read on. This is the opposite of that. !!!!

The last few days I felt so much anger. I was angry at everything and everyone, including myself.

Anger is one of the emotions we would rather not have, but I know by now that when I feel this level of anger I am ready to make a shift, to take real action instead of waiting on others or the “right time”.

A few things triggered me and brought up the anger that had been building up for some time now. I tried to meditate it away, I disconnected from others again. Just being “business-like” and not communicating more than necessary.

The downside is that I usually redirect my anger towards either hurting myself in some way, physically or emotionally, or I start slamming doors and smashing stuff, and in this scaring the pets.

And we now have two very sensitive dogs, that notice what is happening even before I am fully aware of it. Is it one of the reasons they are hardly eating? Who knows.

It doesn’t mean I am angry 24/7, but little things can trigger me, things that would normally not have been such a big issue. And I just blow up.

Most people that know me see me as this gentle, loving and caring person, but this is also a side of me. And usually a sign that I have been holding back for far too long and have let people cross my boundaries repeatedly.

I am most angry with myself for letting it all come this far again. It’s a difficult life lesson for me, apparently.

I am angry with myself for not being content with the life I had. That I had to stir things up, want to move, get a divorce and live my dreams. Why can’t I be like others, just not caring about the environment and the animals, and just live out my life?

But I can’t. Ever since I was a child I had this great love for every living thing. I think humans were included at that time, but I am not sure. Part of me has always been an earth-warrior, but over the years I became an earth-worrier.

The earth, the animals, nature, they are my passion, my reason for living. I never had the need for a normal life, or to have children. I wanted to mean something, do something to help the animals and the planet. I started donating to Greenpeace when I got my first own money. Just last year I cancelled my membership, as my membership to most charities, as I no longer see their use. Things have only gotten worse over the years. And people, well most them, just don’t seem to care.

They continue to use and abuse the planet and the animals. And each other. And they can be so hypocrite it baffles me every time. Signing petitions against dog meat, only to fire up the barbecue and eat lots of other meat. Or donating to some charity for child abuse and poverty, but buying fast fashion that is made by small children under terrible circumstances. Claiming they want to change the world, make it a better place. Like Michael Jackson said, for you and for me and the entire human race. But what about the planet? Nature? The animals? The environment? People are unbelievably selfish.

Someone told me once that people only start caring about this when they are happy themselves. I couldn’t believe hearing this. Am I not people then? In every decision I make in my life, I consider the impact it has on the planet, the animals, the environment, even other people. It can be done simultaneously, I am proof of it.

But the connection is lost. When I look around me, in the community I live in, when I am travelling, when I am out in nature. People are disconnected. From nature, from other, from themselves. They are giving in to addictions, to distractions to not have to deal with life.

Some addictions are pretty obvious, like drugs, gambling and alcohol, but there are so many more not so obvious ones, like sugars and eating, gambling, medicine, money, shopping, tv, gaming, social media, sex. Probably many more. And then they think it’s strange they get sick and want the medical world to solve it for them. With pills and operations. With coaching and therapy. More and more. Not going inside, only looking for outside solutions. That even have a huge negative effect on animals and the environment!

I’ve never been very sensitive to addictions myself. I did smoke, but one day just quit. I drank some alcohol but never got addicted. I want to experience it all to the max. I even didn’t take anti-depressants when my psychologist advised me to. I only used chemical medicine when I was young, and if nothing natural helped. The last few years I can’t even remember taking a paracetamol. The last flu I had I didn’t take any regular medication.

I’ve been trying to be a messenger on all of this for years, pointing people towards what was going on, giving them messages from the natural world, but it sometimes seems so hopeless. As long as I am in my own world, I can handle things, I feel hope and optimism. But every time I step into society as it is today, I return being depressed and wanting to give up on everything. If even the people closest to me don’t see the need to change, I must be doing it all wrong. So I just want to hide in a cottage somewhere in the woods with my dog and live out my life. I admire people like Jane Goodall and Richard Attenborough for staying so optimistic. It is hard for me.

The triggers for my anger lately have been numerous. The consumerism by people. The shallow fakeness on social media. The hypocrisy around the Oostvaardersplassen. Politics, especially a certain president on the other side of the world. The move and the divorce, and my almost ex not taking any kind of action towards dealing with things. Everything concerning my mother, and how we deal with life, disease and death. How so little people take responsibilities for their own lives and choices and only know how to point fingers and expect others to solve/fix it for them. Dog-nappers and how they use these animals as bait for dog fighting. Racism. Homophobia. The plastic pollution. And realising we are just modern slaves. Slaves to the system. Slave to consumerism. Modern-day keeping people happy with bread and games. Distracting them from what’s really going on, distracting them from thinking for themselves. The white crisp chocolate bar that my husband bought says on the wrapping: everyday happiness. It really does. I couldn’t believe seeing that. That is what he believes makes him happy. Or they make him believe makes him happy. Sweets, tv and superhero movies. And competitive sports. And complaining. And it’s not just him. I have to get out of here!

Even my quest on trying to find a more meaningful life in harmony with nature is bringing up anger. False freedom. I am not allowed to live, go, and be where I want. Not even who I want. Even getting a divorce is filled with rules and regulations. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want anything out of this, I just want my freedom and live the way I want to.

Last year I’ve been decluttering like crazy (and still have too much stuff) and realised how little we actually need. It’s just been conditioned that we all need this stuff. I don’t want to possess anything anymore. It is on loan from the planet anyway. Nothing’s really mine. I get angry with people that are saying it’s my house (which bank?), my land (wow, from who did you or a previous “landowner” steal it in the first place?), my country (wahahahaha, really), my people (puke). When you really think about it, nothing is ours. Not even our lives.

I started to realise EVERYTHING is conditioned. Our belief systems. Our education. Our health. The way we look at relationships. It’s all a big illusion.

I also started to get angry with this whole positive thinking manifestation movement. If you can’t do it, then there is something wrong with you. What? Wait a minute? Nothing is wrong with me! What if my path or lessons in life are just different? What if, for instance, my biggest lesson in life is how to deal with my anger? What if that is my past life stuff to work through this lifetime?

I started to get angry with all these coaches and therapists out there. Even the so-called spiritual ones. Every time I posted something, at least one person would reply with the limiting belief/blocks thing. I have come to the conclusion that everyone has them, so they really don’t exist, do they? It’s just conditioning and can be unlearned. But stop bashing me with the limiting belief/blocks crap.

I came down from my spiritual is better cloud. It is not. It is just the same, they just name things differently. There is a lot of ego in the spiritual world. And ego is part of all of us, but if ego takes over…brrrr….. Maybe it’s even worse when the cloak of spirituality is put over it.

I started to get triggered by the whole growth and money-loving stuff. That if you don’t do that you don’t think you’re worth it. What? Wait a minute. So, my self-worth is linked to material growth and financial wealth? No way. My self-worth is way more and better than that. And I can’t believe that they don’t realise the message they are giving with this. That you are not worth anything if you are not able to grow in a material or monetary way. No way. My growth lies somewhere else. And money is just a tool. Stop focusing on money! Enough. Only (modern) people use money. No other animal does. Indigenous tribes don’t. They say money is energy, well, then I want to change the energy around money. But not in the way they want.

And the animals. Oh, I so admire them. They still believe in humans. I wish I had their positive attitude, I really do. They are even willing to sacrifice themselves to help us grow (and no, not material/financial growth!). But everything we do to them, it hurts my soul, my very essence. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit on parties and other events where meat is served freely, as if this was the only thing people eat. I keep seeing the animals that had to suffer for it. With every piece of meat I see on a plate. Or fish. Or other animals. I just can’t do it anymore. Please don’t invite me anymore. If you can still eat meat without your conscience acting up, go ahead, but don’t force it on me anymore. I am done.

And all this “fashion” in animals, especially cats and dogs. How they are bread to look certain ways. Not realising what it does to their health. And if they are not perfect, they will hear it the rest of their lives. Imagine what this does to the poor animal. I know, I’ve heard I wasn’t wanted most of my life, so I know how much this hurts. Just love them for who they are, not how they look, or how good they are at something.

The same goes for humans of course. Just love each other for who you are, not for how you look, what you do. Stop trying to live up to those horrible standards. Stop thinking you are only beautiful when you wear makeup, wear that specific brand of clothing. Or that you are only worth something if you are in a relationship. Especially women. Think of the message you give to your daughters.

I could go on and on about the things that bother me, trigger me, make me aggressive.

I am most of all angry with myself, for never speaking up. For always staying when I feel I want to walk away because I don’t feel at ease. For letting everybody think I am this easy going loving and caring person, whilst underneath a volcano is about to explode. For not daring to say to people that I don’t really want them as a friend, because I am afraid of hurting their feelings. But in this, I am hurting myself. For not saying to them that we actually aren’t a good match, regarding core-values and beliefs. I even held on in my marriage for way too long. Even when we grew apart further and further.

He says I have changed. Well, I actually haven’t. I’ve just returned to myself again, and my core beliefs and values. And he is not a match in that. And that is perfectly fine. Time to move on.

I am angry with myself for not daring to speak up and out to teachers, coaches and more. How many times I’ve redirected my frustrations on this to hurting myself, or smashing stuff. Easy going and tolerant. Yeah right. I have very strong opinions, I just stopped sharing them at one point. Probably in my teens, when I for some reason wanted to fit in. Or someone said I should think before I speak. What was I thinking? No more of that.

I am changing. I feel the need to change. To no longer hold back. To just act in the moment, and let it out. To not let it go this far again. No wonder my liver and gallbladder are my most sensitive organs. All this unspoken anger and frustration. Time for change.

I am enough. I am a wonderful, beautiful, magnificent being. I am one with nature. I am one with Source. I am larger than life. I am just as I am supposed to be.

Much love? Yes, still much love,



To be or not to be?


We all know this famous quote. Or don’t we?

I’ve been a bit of a philosopher all my life, always wanting to know the deeper meaning of things. Of life. Or existence. Is any of it real? Or is it all illusion? When we are sleeping, is that the real world? Or is it when we are awake? Are there other dimensions? Is there other life out there in space?

On the one hand I was this happy go lucky child that just loved life, but on the other hand, I could be very serious and be occupied by things that were way beyond me. And sometimes still are. I am at a point in my life where I don’t feel the need to know anymore, because part of me just knows.

But am I? Or am I not?

If you read my mind musings regularly or follow me on Facebook, you must know my biggest passion in this life is animals and nature, our amazing planet.

I get nature. I get animals. They are pure, they are simple. They are real. Yes, nature can be cruel in our eyes, but it is always fair. There is no senseless killing, and a lot of the more negative traits and emotions of humans are absent in nature. Or they have a real purpose.

So, I get nature. But I don’t understand humanity. I don’t even understand myself most of the time. What was I thinking signing up for this human experience?

I realise more and more that my lesson in this life is to just be. To accept. All that is. Accept myself. Accept my path. Accept my truths.

And I know I can be. Just be. Not be someone or something. Not be defined by any kind of label. In fact, I am happiest when I just am.

When I am in nature. When I am with animals. When I am traveling. When I am listening to music. When I sit in meditation.

I love and accept myself very much. When I am alone. The moment other humans enter my space, I start worrying if I am enough, if I do enough, if I love enough. Am I wearing the right clothes, I hope I don’t smell bad, are my teeth clean. What will they think of my boring hairstyle, and no makeup? And those clothes, come on. What if they start asking me what I do. What I have achieved. I can’t say that I just am, right? I should do something to be someone. Or have some sort of material or monetary status. I can’t say I want a humble life, in harmony with the planet. No, I have to dream big, I have to have goals.

But I do have them, dreams and goals. They are just not the same as for many others. My big dream is that humble life, in harmony with nature. My goal is to live a life where I can do with little or no possessions, little or no money (or a different kind of system, sharing for instance…), and above all not hurt this beautiful planet and the life on it. Yes, that includes humans. My goal is to live a free and independent life, to escape the modern-day slavery and addictions. To escape stuff and overconsuming.

I don’t like socializing that much anyway, because it is not easy for me, it never was. It is partly because I am sensitive and pick up anything that is off, even if I am not able to pinpoint what exactly is off. I sense that there are things unspoken, or people acting as if. I sense if there have been arguments, if there has been gossiping. Again, often I can’t pinpoint it, but it does make me want to turn around and leave. But most of the time I stay. And end up being drained, and off balance for days.

I then need to return to my alone-time, nature, animals. To make sense of it all again. To feel harmony. And I pick myself up again, just until the next contact with other humans.

It’s not always this way, sometimes I run into likeminded souls, my soul tribe, but I often feel that tribe is not that big. It’s one of the reasons I do love the internet. I can connect with them worldwide and not feel so alone in my quest on waking people up. But I have a love-hate relationship with social media. On the one hand, it allows me to connect with those souls, and I can try to create some awareness around animals and nature. And how important it is to take good care of the planet, our beautiful abundant home. But the other part of social media is the same for me as socializing in real life. I sense something is off. And that part wants me to get away from social media. Or the mostly negative news I try to avoid by not watching the news or reading newspapers finds its way into my life anyway.

So, I pull back again. And just want to be. Not doing anything. Just being.

Today I felt like it all was hopeless. My dreams and goals are impossible in this lifetime. I can’t avoid all this fakeness and negativity.

I am not naïve, I know about the dark sides of life and embracing every emotion. But the freedom to just be? It often feels like I was born at the wrong time. Because I do have visions of a different world. Is it a possible future? Is it a parallel dimension? Is it my imagination? I don’t know. They seem very real and vivid, these visions. However, they are miles off from how our society is now.

It is a time for standing up and telling our truth, but what does that mean exactly? I have loads of unfinished blogs about my values and how I think we should all live a sustainable life. So that the planet and the animals, and we, survive. And thrive. But I am hesitant on finishing or publishing them. Because I feel they might be judgmental and hurtful to some people. Although I don’t write things like that with certain people in mind, it’s more the principle I want to share, I do know some might feel hurt by them. On the other hand, what if they don’t realise what their behaviour causes to the environment, the animals, the planet, and even other people.

So, I don’t publish them. To not get judged. Or to not hurt people.

And I return to just being again. Letting it all go. Literally.

It’s time to focus on my own life right now, and getting it on track of my soul’s path. To finish my book, and get it published. To write all those other books that are inside of me. And maybe have the courage to finish those blogs and publish them.

And above all, just be. Just be.

Maybe you should try to just be some time, it is an amazing feeling ?.


The Sounds of Silence?


Nature is my church. This is my truth. When I am deprived of nature for too long, I get anxious and depressed. I always wondered why. I am not a person that is bothered by addictions, except this one.

Many say nature is everywhere, and whilst that is certainly true, we ourselves are nature after all, being in nature is something else for me. It goes beyond.

It is the silence I miss. It is the kind of silence that resonates with my soul.

But nature is full of sounds I hear you think. Yes, it is. And maybe silence isn’t the right word, maybe stillness is a better word.

Those of you who have been following my story the last few years know that I have been looking for clarity, for a purpose.

Last year I decided to get rid of all the outer clutter, literally and figuratively, to get this clarity from within. I let go of coaches, mentors, therapists. And I also let go of stuff, a lot of stuff. I even ended up letting go of my marriage, and some relationships.

It feels like going back to basics. Getting rid of everything I have taken on over the years. Back to who I truly am. Behind all the masks and roles.

Writing my book, which turns out to be a real-life changer, has already helped me get clarity. On how I lost myself along the way. On how I started living my life for everyone but me.

Part of this inner path is also to rekindle my inner flame and find what brings me joy. What I truly love in life.

Nature is, and always has been, the most important source of inspiration to me. I am in love with nature, our beautiful planet, the animals, the plants. This is what most of all stirs my feelings and emotions.

And to some extent, I am also falling in love with myself again, and part of humanity. It is the animals, never giving up on us, that inspire me to do this. With everything we are doing to them and the planet, our amazing home, they still love us and want us to thrive.

Something else that brings me joy is music. Especially classical music.

Last week I was out in nature, well as good as it gets where I live right now anyway, and suddenly it struck me. The common thread in my life. What I seek most of all. It’s harmony.

When I am out in nature, everything makes sense. All the sounds, the noises, the smells. They are meant to be there. When I am in areas occupied by humans, I get a sensory overload. Noises, smells, energies. And because I pick up so much, I also pick up on all the inner noise and clutter. Nature is harmony, it is like a symphony to me. When I am out in nature, I often here classical music in my mind.

The sounds of the birds, the whispers of the trees, the low rumbling of the earth, the sighs of the winds, the chime-like sounds of the water. It’s all in tune, in harmony. It’s real. It’s true. There are no masks, no roles, no hidden agendas. The communication is clear and honest.

The human world is not in harmony, at least not to me. There are too many voices, thoughts, opinions, judgements. Humans say this but think that. Humans smile at me, but judge the way I look. I know, I do it too. That’s the worst part of it. In nature, I don’t do this. I am fully me. I feel safe enough to be me. I feel safe enough to just be.

When I needed to get out not so long ago, I just went and took a ride on the train, just being for a while. But everyone around me was doing. And not in (real) connection to each other, not in connection with nature. They were busy on their phones, reading newspapers, working on their laptops, talking about how hard life is. What if we could just be together on the train. In stillness. It wouldn’t be silent, but it would be still.

The connection between the human world and the natural world is off. We are filled with clutter, there is too much noise on the line. We are always busy. Doing things. Nature allows me to just be. When I just am in the human world I feel pressure, judgment. She is lazy, she is weird, she should just follow the rules.

No more. No more. I am no longer doing this. I will allow myself to fully be. Who I am. No more should do, should be. Just me. Like the trees that embrace me. The animals that accept me.

The human world needs cleaning, clearing. Clearing of clutter. Of old ways. Of conditioning. Everything is conditioned. When I stepped back and started to think for myself, I saw the illusions of the human world. I saw the stories we tell ourselves, that we are told. How we are slaves to the systems, and we think the lives we lead are how it is supposed to be. That’s just the way it works, how society works. These lines no longer work for me. If you are not happy, change. Change within, be the change. Don’t wait until someone else changes it for you.

It’s funny how we no longer live up to our own words. When you meet someone you, for whatever reason, are attracted to, you just want to BE with them. But we no longer know how to BE with someone. We only know how to DO. I’ve tried this. Asked people to join me on nature walks and just be. No talking. Just being. Be part of nature. Observe. Feel. Nothing more. No goals, no learning, no judgments. Just feeling one with all. I still haven’t been on a walk with someone who was able to do this. They say it’s human nature. The need for learning, growth, exploring. That may be true, but we have taken this way too far. It has caused us to not be able to be anymore. Just be. We are human BEings, not human DOings, think about that.

I didn’t know how to be. For a long time. As children, we do know. How to just be. I could sit with the ants for hours and just watch them. No goal. Just be. Let my mind wander. As a child, I was very creative. I sang, I danced, I made drawings. Because I could just be and let my mind wander. Because I could just feel. This is coming back. But I only feel like this in nature, with music. When there is harmony. When everything is a symphony.

It is not silence. It is stillness. The ability to just be.

Everything I’ve explored so far has been about doing. Achieving. Setting goals. What if the purpose of life is to just be. Nothing more, nothing less. Still our minds and enjoy. Create harmony. Join in on the symphony of life. I see so many on a constant quest, and not many finding what they are looking for. I am the happiest when I am in nature, with animals, listening to music. I can be happy being with myself. I can be happy being with a friend. I am not happy in a crowd. I am not happy when there is sensory or chemical overload. I am accepting all of this.

I am exploring ways to lead a simple life, where I can most of all spend my time with just being. Being in harmony with myself, with the natural world, and maybe one day with the human world. But I am no longer forcing myself to do that last one. No more pushing. No more gathering outside knowledge. No more people telling me what I should do, how I should behave, no more labels. Just being myself.

I feel my purpose lies in the written word. And maybe learn people how to be (it involves a lot of unlearning!). And even in this, no pushing. Just letting it all be born from a place of stillness, a place of harmony. No more deadlines. No more goal setting. No more pressure of being the best, no more competition. No more material or financial growth. Just harmony. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.