As I sit here on the last day of the year, on the couch, trying to keep my dog calm during World War 2019 (a.k.a. the Dutch “celebrating” the end of the year with
fireworks bombs and other stuff), the mist is rolling in.
That mist, so typical for how I have been feeling this past year. A lot of mist has been around me, covering my soul, my mind, clouded my judgment. But every now and then it cleared and I felt something glowing in my heart. Hope.
I see the last blog I wrote was when I turned 50. I can honestly say that a lot has changed for the better since then. Even though what seemed bad wasn’t bad at all, just necessary for my release and growth.
What I had to do was complete surrender. To life. And see where the road would take me. No more planning, goal setting, controlling, expectations. Just being, accepting and adjusting.
After I wrote my last blog I gave in to the idea of living with my ex for the next couple of years. I gave in to the idea of having to work full-time in a job that I didn’t particularly like. I gave in to the idea of having to deal with my mom for the coming years. I stopped resisting.
And then, it started to change. I started to see things differently. I started to think about what it was I really needed. Not that much actually. Some income, some free time, a place that I could call my own. I moved from my idealistic ideas of tiny houses (in the UK) to being ok with living in an apartment. No garden would actually give me more time and less frustration. I sat in my room one evening and just had this image of what it could look like. I felt inspired by the place I lived while I was in the UK. What did I love about that? The space, the small community, the view, the river nearby. But, as I had no hope of getting a place any time soon, it was just a passing idea. Like some daydream. I forgot about it. I didn’t write anything down, I didn’t do visualisations, I didn’t step into my future self. Nothing like that.
I changed my view on my work too. I actually experienced that even though I was very different from my colleagues in terms of views and beliefs, I could actually accept and like them. They were all good people. Because beneath all that they “did”, they all had their things to deal with, some pretty intense. I began to see them as human beings. I changed my view towards the company and the product they make. I changed my view towards the clients. I got it. And it actually is more sustainable and innovative in that area than I initially thought. But above all, I changed my view towards working in employment. Yes, there was less freedom to work the hours that most suited my natural rhythm, but….. there was more freedom on the financial part. And there actually was a lot less fear of failure. And definitely less stress about “making” it. I now had a steady income again, and not that bad for what I was doing. I realised that being self-employed was hard, really hard. On many levels. But most of all, as this was my “passion”, helping the animals, it also felt like a huge failure when I didn’t succeed. And with what I am doing now? I still feel responsible for what I do, and I work hard, that is just my character, but it is not my passion. And that is a huge difference. When I walk out of the door I leave my work at the office. I am present when I need to be, but can easily let it go when I am not there. Not that I don’t think about what my colleagues are going through for instance, but it has changed from how I was when I worked in employment before. I am not ambitious, I never have been, and yes, I would like some more intellectual challenge in my work, but for now, where I am at, this is perfect.
And then, I was also able to negotiate working less hours. I didn’t know if I could cope financially, but I did know that working 40 hours per week was too much for me. And they agreed! They eventually even offered me a contract, seeing me as an asset to the the department. They would have offered me a contract regardless off the situation of the person I was filling in for, as they do want me to do more in the future.
And also suddenly, I had the opportunity to rent a place! And it was just perfect! It really was miraculous how this came to be. But, as I was viewing the place I remembered that little daydream I had, just after my birthday. This was almost exactly as I daydreamed about! It all went very fast, and I now am living in my own place, with Cheyenne, and Toendra and I have view on a river 🙂 How about that. I can honestly say that this really feels like home, and I have not had that before with a house. When I finish work I really want to go home. Peace and quiet. My own stuff. And not too much stuff, just enough. I can play the music I want, I can go to sleep when I want, I can eat what I want. Yes, there are some challenges to overcome, but they are just minor. I love how this worked out.
I also changed my view towards the situation with my mother. She has now been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and this is not easy. On anyone involved. I wish this on nobody, not to get and not to experience. But it also opened my eyes to what happens if you don’t deal with the emotional stuff in your life. I feel this is the soul’s way of getting ready for transitioning without the burden of grief. January 3rd 2020 will be the 30-year anniversary of my brothers’ passing. And since then our lives have changed dramatically. Even though I feel my parents stopped parenting with his first suicide attempt ten years before that, now the parenting really did go away. My father died a year later so I will never know how it would have been with him still there, but my mother certainly never moved on. And I can’t even blame her, I think loosing a child is one of the worst things you can experience in life. Even though I am not a parent myself. But, I also had to let go of so much around all of this. It is not my responsibility, she is not my responsibility. She never was, even though I often felt like I was responsible for her happiness.
That is another thing I had a big breakthrough in this past year. Letting go of the feeling of being responsible for other people’s happiness, feeling guilty for letting them down. Always being the people pleaser. I know now I can only be responsible for my own life and happiness, and of course on some levels for my dog and cat, but other than that? No. I am no longer falling for that guilt trap. A guilt trap I had put on myself to be honest.
2019 was my year of surrender, of releasing all that was no longer for me. Including my marriage (I think I still had something to work through there), my business, my dreams, my expectations. It was the Darkest Night of the Soul I’ve ever been through. Especially not being able to live in the UK was heartbreaking for me. Realising that the love of my life never really was the love of my life, just someone I loved, and I felt very responsible for.
I also let go of my dream to become a writer. I will finish the book I am working on, as closure, but at least for now, I am no longer pursuing this. I feel like every time I turn something I love to do into something professional it looses its magic. So, I will just go back to writing like this. Blogs. And for myself. Although I haven’t journaled much this past year. Sometimes not talking and journaling is better for moving forward…..
And for the rest? I am just being open to what life will offer me. No longer judging if it’s good or bad. I will no longer make lists, visualise, set goals, make vision boards. Nothing like that. I will just see what comes my way. Be present. Feel into what my soul needs on a daily basis.
So, I thank 2019, it was a very transformative year. And I invite in 2020 without any expectations. Just be present and receiving.
Thank you all who were there for me, who prayed, who sent loving energy, who were there in the practical sense of the word. I hope I can be there for you again in the future, without feeling the heavy burdens of responsibility.
Much much love,
Diana, Cheyenne and Toendra