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I dreamed a dream (goodbye 2018….)


The end of 2018 is nearing. And I am taking time to reflect, look back, see what worked and what didn’t. What the lessons were. What my growth was.

I’ve been going through my diary, through my journals (as far as I have them with me), and I have reread the blogs I shared this year.

Yesterday I had a rough day after going through all of them. I wanted to do some exercises to release all that happened. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t release. I felt that the dream I dreamed slowly was shattering. That it was time for me to get real. To just give it all up. I cried. I asked my host to pull me a card. The card said: Life is a river of dreams. Simply relax and enjoy the journey. I cried. Again.

Today I took a little break from it all and decided to do what I do best when I feel overwhelmed by life: write. Because words, especially in the written form, are my ways of releasing, of reflecting, or processing what happened.

Looking back at the process that started the day my ex-husband and I decided to split up, I realised I most of all have been in the process of letting go, releasing, and grieving. I don’t think I have ever cried as much as the last year. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much doubt, fear and panic as last year. I’ve been so hard and tough on myself. But I also don’t think I’ve ever been so brave and more proud of myself than last year.

Last week, after a tapping session, I posted something in my free group, with a picture of myself that showed me post-intense crying, and it was purely meant as saying that all is allowed to be there. That life is not always happy, not always roses. It was merely a statement, but the comments on it made me feel even worse! At one point I stopped reading the comments and decided to delete the post. As much as I know the comments were well meant, it wasn’t my intention of the post to get a load of advise and tips about my life.

I do realise, also through reading through my published blogs, I mostly share about my shadow side. And that might paint a picture of someone who is constantly struggling. Constantly grieving. Constantly in pain. And part of me is. But, as my host kindly pointed out, they don’t see you every day. They don’t see the light side of you. And I often don’t write about that. Well, I do, in my journals and such, but not often in my blogs and posts on Facebook.

Because, although last year has been a rough year, no doubt about that, there have been amazing moments, of learning, of growth, of laughter. Of freeing myself from old patterns and beliefs. I did have celebrations. Loads of them!

Although everything is very uncertain at this time, I am in the UK! Right now, I am in the country I most wanted to be. That was part of my dream. I am living in an area that is amazingly beautiful and relatively peaceful. I have people I can talk to, share my feelings with. I am with the dog I so deeply love. I have a roof over my head, I can still eat, and for now I am ok. I am enjoying nature walks almost every day. That was part of my wish list! Being able to walk in nature every day!

But, that doesn’t take away that realising my dreams is not easy. The way I envisioned my life to be, and still do, is asking a lot of patience and adjusting. And with my financial reserves almost gone, I do know I need to start taking some kind of action. And because everything around my business feels so hard, I am opening up to other ways of producing income. Or other ways of money coming to me. Maybe even start a crowd-funding. Help Diana and Cheyenne through the winter! Just kidding, but who knows.

When I look back at my original dream, I have already made adjustments to it, like being open to getting a drivers license now and a car. To live in a “normal” house instead of a tiny house or an eco-community. But, I still want that cabin like house near a lake, with woods nearby. Ideally I still would love to get an income from writing. And I am now open to meeting someone, in the romantic kind of way. But, to keep all options open, I am also looking at things I like doing and seeing if I can get income from that. And if that will be in the UK? Time will tell. I promised myself to for now enjoy my time here. All we have is now anyway.

I am taking some time “off”, like a little Christmas holiday. I need that. Do things I really love, reading, watching episodes of Time Team on Youtube, listening to music, being outdoors, and writing of course. Doing research for the Healing Circle and the Medicine Way. I’ve been procrastinating on those big time, because I was trying to promote my business and myself again.

I’ve been trying so hard again. In fact, I have been trying hard all my life. I’ve never been open to letting life come to me. Be open to letting things come in. I know this has to do with trust. Trust in life. Trust in the Universe. Trust in myself. Trust in my intuition. Trust in my dreams. I am working on that right now. On those trust issues.

I’ve always been a dreamer, I loved daydreaming. I’ve been a hopeless romantic for many years, dreaming of “mr. right” to come along. Long have I thought my ex-husband was the one. Long have I hoped and wished for that to be true. Long after our divorce I hoped for some kind of recognition for our time together, for some sort of sign that he did once love me, or that he cared how I was doing now. I’ve released that now.

I feel that with everything that has passed this last year, I stopped dreaming. Or was afraid to dream. I had to face the challenges of every day life. Of losing everything, even if most of it was by choice.

But, I’ve also gained so much. Had amazing experiences. Met inspiring (new) people. Was able to be many times. Just be.

I will start dreaming again, allow myself to daydream. Let the creativity come into my life. The trust that it will all work out. As it always has in my life so far. I have no reason to believe it will not work out. That’s my fear speaking. And my bank account. And my disappointments as an entrepreneur. But when I see the amazing opportunities given to me this past year I am very grateful, and I find myself to be a little more trusting.

I am ready to let go of 2018, of all that has passed. Ready to get going with my dreams again. To never loose faith in my dreams. Look where I am right now. It may not be quite what I dreamed of yet, but it comes pretty darn close. So I celebrate that for sure.

Much love, signing off for 2018 with gratitude and grace and wishing myself and everyone a wonderful 2019

Diana and Cheyenne.

Celebrations, rituals, cycles


This morning, while walking Cheyenne, I ran into these amazing mushrooms. As I usually do when out it nature, I started pondering. The mushrooms were sending me insights. Messages.

I’ve been in the UK now for a little over six weeks, and progress has been slow. Too slow for my likings. With rules and regulations not making it easy, and Brexit “breathing” down my neck.

Entering the month of December got me in a reflective mode, about all that has happened in the last year. And how deep and intense this journey has been.

It made me realise that certain things will always be the same, because I am part of the equation, and as long as I don’t change myself, or my beliefs or patterns, things will never change.

Especially when it comes to money and income, I am challenged big time. The money I have left is decreasing bit by bit, and it is not being replenished (enough) on the other side. I realised that the different ways that money has been coming in this past year are no longer an option for the future. I haven’t got another house tucked away somewhere, not another marriage (as far as I know), and I’ve decluttered so much that I have (almost) nothing left to sell. I don’t have rich family members or friends that will “give” or lend me money, and I don’t have secret inheritances waiting somewhere.

So, I needed to start looking at income. But how to go about that. My energy around and relationship to money is not a very healthy one. And because I dread getting a paid job again, I decided to give my own business another chance. And I got help from my host and joined a six week program to activate my money miracles.

And boy, or girl in my case, is this bringing up a lot for me. A lot of resistance. A lot of grief. A lot of tears. A lot of insights. A lot of laughter too! Finding ways to stay true to myself and my values, but realising the idealist in me will have to give in a little. Because as it is, this human world we have built is still all about money. And money is used for good things, I have to keep reminding myself in that. And I can start doing that (again) too.

The tapping sessions (the program works with EFT) brought up a lot for me. And made me realise where my true passion lies. I always knew that, but how to make a living from that. If you (still) wonder what those are, they are all around nature, the animals, the planet. I do see that my true gifts are my ways of connecting to and communicating with the natural world. I do see now that it is my life’s purpose to bring forth their messages, to create awareness and help humans to reconnect to nature. Reconnect to that what they are a part of themselves.

But, how to turn this around and bring joy to it? I started to look into the things I love doing to bring this into the world. Communicating with animals and nature. Card readings. Shamanism. Writing! Oh my Gaia, yes, writing. Where did that leave the picture? I still love writing so very much! Taking people on nature walks, medicine walks.

I did a few test animal communication sessions, did a lovely webinar on pets in spirit, did a sound healing and rune reading for my host, looked at what it would cost to publish my second book with the publisher I am now with. Started the Healing circle again with Karin Monster-Peters, made a start with the Medicine Way with Jeanni Mcbride-Jones, announced an in person day, the HeartMessages experience day. I looked at recording meditations again. Tech stuff came up. Working on my website was draining me. I launched my year animal meditation again, something that was a success the last few years. I changed the formula a bit, and raised the prices. That scared the crap out of me. But I did and set it out there.

But not much came from it all, yes lots of positive reactions, but nothing in the sense of money or income. And although that has never been the main drive behind this kind of work, it would have been nice. Wasn’t the mindset change working? The tapping? Did I still need to change my energy more?

My host and friend said: well, you must be so proud of yourself for doing all this. And it hit me. It didn’t. What was wrong with me? Where is the joy? Running into the same fears and doubts. Again. I was so sad, and angry at myself. Why am I still only focusing on the things that go “wrong”? Feeling like a failure. Big time. See, I can’t do any of this. People don’t want it. My inner Gremlins were having a ball at the mall.

When I talked to Rachel Hansen about this, for the money miracles program, she said I was going through something known as goal-trauma. It happens a lot to (especially heart-centred) entrepreneurs who have seen launch after launch fail. They give up on the idea or project instead of giving it another go and they simply move onto the next. And the next. And the next. Never taking time to properly grief over what happened. Or tweak it a bit. I recognised this. It is what has happened to me over and over again, ever since I set up my own business. I never gave it all much chance. I just changed, gave up, started something new.

I tapped into this. I have a lot of goal trauma’s. I am a dreamer, an idealist. I had big visions, big dreams. I still do. But with those, big disappointments when it doesn’t work out. Again. And I realised this is not just in my business. In a lot of things I do, or did. In life itself. My marriage. My friendships. My dreams in life. My move to the UK. The process of writing and publishing my first book. Even though I try not to set expectations anymore, I still get disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I forget to enjoy the ride and only focus on the outcome. I forget about the seeds that I planted, and the ripple effect I created. I ignore all the praise I get and the lives I touch. I only focus on what goes “wrong”.

Looking at those mushrooms reminded me of a theme that is starting to emerge in my work, in my life’s purpose, or my soul’s path. It is the theme for the Healing Circle in December, the theme for the Medicine Way.

You see, life is all about celebrations, rituals, cycles. Sometimes I get so focused on the things that go “wrong” that I forget to celebrate. It is not going wrong at all. These are merely lessons. They are part of my growth. And therefore I need to celebrate them more. Be grateful. Release the duality of right and wrong.

Rituals are all around us, every day. It’s a ritual to let things go. Let go of patterns or beliefs. Often adopted from family, upbringing, religion, culture. By letting go through rituals, we make room for new things, new experiences to enter our energy. Inviting in new things is also a ritual. I do this a lot through journalling. Through meditation. Life itself is a big ritual. Celebrating birth. Grieving death.

And that again is all part of cycles. Never-ending cycles of life. I looked at the mushrooms again. They are part of this never-ending cycle. They use the fallen leaves and other decaying material to grow and reproduce. And they in turn help trees and plants extract nutrients from the soil. They play an important role in nature. Everything has purpose in nature. Nothing gets lost or wasted, it’s all part of this cycle of life. Even us humans have our part to play.

So, everything I am going through is part of a cycle. It is all meant to be. Nothing gets lost or wasted. They are all experiences that help me grow and plant seeds. Create awareness.

So, I end with a celebration. Of life. Of rituals. Of cycles. So much gratitude for all that I am g(r)o(w)ing through and I know that sharing my insights will help others. I know that stepping into my role as messenger for the planet will create awareness. Maybe not in the way I expected, maybe not at the speed I hoped, but for sure all as it is supposed to be.

Much love,

Diana and the mushrooms of celebration, rituals and cycles.

If you want to know about all the things I have created for you, and am creating for you to help you grow and become aware, please visit my website. It’s been revamped and I’ve added several ways for you to get to know the knowledge and wisdom of the natural world.

I especially want to point out the Healing Circle I run together with Karin Monster-Peters, because in December we will be sharing all about celebrations and rituals.

December 21st, on the Winter Solstice (an important cycle moment, surrounded with rituals and celebrations), the Medicine Way will start. Where Jeanni and I will guide you through cycles with the help of the Medicine Wheel.

My yearanimal meditation is available throughout December and January, and I will give support throughout all of 2019 to keep you connected to your Spirit animal. Another cycle and ritual. And a releasing exercise is included in the meditation journey.

The recording of the Pets in Spirit webinar is available for purchase now, Joanne and I talked about the ending of lifecycles and rituals around the passing of your beloved pet. You can find the link for the purchase on this page.

And I am now taking on bookings for Year Card readings. I will do these during the month of December only. The payment link for that is found on this page.





I’ve been in the UK now for a little over two weeks. And again, as I always do when being here, feel more grounded and inspired.

Yes, I am still adjusting, to new times, new foods, living with someone who is such an uplifting and supporting spirit. Yes, I ran into some technical stuff, but most of the technical and practical stuff is sorted for now, so I can focus on creating again. Yes, the sudden wintery weather was a bit of a shock, but I loved it. The clear, crisp air and beautiful colours. No, I am still not much clearer on what I need to do to be able to stay here, if I don’t want to follow the set rules. And with no clarity on Brexit yet, it is still all a bit vague. The rules and regulations also contradict each other on several points, but I will figure it out. I am learning not to worry, not to push and pull, but to stay in a place of trust, to live in the here and now as much as possible.

But, just the joy of being connected to the land, wow. It really does something to me. I guess you could call it harmony, resonance. And Cheyenne is having such a great time! She is running through the woods and fields, drinking from the river, showing sides of her I never saw before, like chasing squirrels and pheasants, and eating things I have never seen her eat. If I ever start doubting my choices I just look at her and know I made the right choices so far. And yes, I do miss certain people, especially my sister, I do miss the pets that I left with my ex-husband, I do miss the well arranged public transport and safe cycling options. For now I don’t have an option to get my drivers license so I am still dependant on others for transport.

And other things are starting to flow again! I am going to get my business back up and running, do more writing, and already am creating things with others. Working together with others has always been on my wish-list, and it is coming true! I’ve done a Money Miracle challenge last week with Rachel Hansen from She Rocks Wealth, and uncovered something that is keeping me from manifesting those miracles. So, I will clear that energy even more, and invite in those miracles. And be open to the form they want to come in to me.

So, yes, it is really flowing. Much like the river I visit almost every day here. The favourite walk for Cheyenne and me. Where my Treefriends greet me every day, and inspire me to do more with creating nature connections.

I have to do some decluttering and stuff on my website, but I can already tell you about a few things I am going to do very soon:

  • HeartMessages experience day: This will be a real-life event, on December the 8th, here where I am staying at the moment, my beautiful host Joanne Yeah (from Animal Communication Insights) is so very kind to open up her lodge for this 🙂 You can find more information on this on Facebook.
  • I have started daily animal posts/messages on my Facebookpage again, so you are welcome to like my page and get inspired.
  • I am happy to announce that Karin Monster-Peters (from the Vibrant Sensitive) and I are ready to get the Healing Circle up and running again. More information and how to join click here.
  • Another happy announcement is that Jeanni McBride Jones and I are about ready to present our membership group The Medicine Way to you, where we will be following the energies of the Medicine Wheel with you. This starts on the Winter Solstice, December 21st.
  • And last but not least, I am happy to be able to offer you a webinar on Pets in Spirit, together with Joanne Yeoh, that we will be presenting on November the 18th. You can find more on that and reserve your seat over here.

And besides that I am working on offering personalised card readings and meditations, bringing back the yearanimal meditation-journey (in a slightly different form), offering animal communication sessions again (limited and with specific purpose), organising nature walks, getting my first book ready for publishing (all the writing is done, it is now in editing and designing phase), working on my next book, and ready to create some e-books.

But… I am taking my time, not pushing anything, staying in this inspirational and guided energy, following my heart and intuition, playing with several options. I would love to get a steady income from all of this, rather then find a paid job. Just exploring all the options, and I love doing this in a playful way. Stay in this flow.

So, that’s where I am at right now. I will keep you updated on this journey of a lifetime!

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.

And the journey continues


I thought it was a good time for a little update on what is going on, and what the next steps on our journey are going to be (for me and Cheyenne that is).

Well, I am going home. To the homeland of my heart and soul. I have no idea if it will all work out, and I am taking many leaps of faith in doing this, but I think it’s for the first time in my life I am truly following my heart and soul, and putting my thinking in the back seat. As a helper instead of a leader.

I have been saying lots of goodbyes lately, to my old life, my old ways, my marriage, my stuff, some friends, family, pets and more. I’ve been doing things this year that were all “options” on my list for living and being in this world. I now know I do want a place I can call my “own”, a safe haven to return to after work, travels, anything. I have been traveling and housesitting, and now know that this is not what resonates with me. Or Cheyenne. Not really. It’s nice to discover new places and all, but it is a very restless life, and I do long for some peace and quiet. Especially life in a (big) city is no option for us.

I also realised that actually what I have been asking for has been and is being delivered. I didn’t always notice it consciously, but it did happen. All the things on my options lists. My need for downsizing and not “owning” anything anymore. I have discovered I can live with very little possessions. I still need some money, for living and eating, but I don’t strive to become wealthy in the monetary or material sense anymore. It creates a lot of room for other things.

So, I am ready to take the next step. The big move. To another country. Letting go of all that I know. I am feeling a mixture of nauseating fear (also because of rules and regulations and Brexit) and huge excitement. Whenever I say I am going to live in the UK, my heart skips a beat and I feel butterflies in my stomach. I have to build up a new life there, and new friendships, new connections. I do intend to go back to the Netherlands every now and then, but for now I have to start building up. I really hope it will all work out, and that my gut feeling of that it will once I am there (home) is not just wishful thinking.

I am also following the opportunities presented to me, through human angels, through signs and signals. I have been given the opportunity to do this, I don’t have many ties with my “old” life anymore, no work, no house, no marriage. Friends and family will be the hardest part, but I am just across the North Sea and with the digital age a lot is possible in staying connected. And I have a place to start from in the UK, where someone is willing to receive me and Cheyenne as their guests of honour. And for now I can still stay registered in The Netherlands, whilst I figure everything out in the UK.

I have been pondering a lot about my dreams and desires, my life purpose and more. And I did realise that moving to the UK has been a big part of my dreams for a very long time, but I always let logic hold me back. Or fear of losing control and securities. But the older I get, I know that certainly those securities are often false. And losing control? Why not lose control every now and then and follow my heart and soul? I do believe that if this is meant to be, if this is part of my path, it will all work out. I will do whatever it takes to make this part of the dream come true, but I will not force anything. Above all I want to stay in the flow. The closer I get to my moving date (next Thursday) the more calm I feel internally. Even though it is not a small thing to do. Maybe coming home is about that feeling. That feeling of calm. A deep sense of inner peace. It doesn’t mean it will never storm again, it will never be chaos again, but underneath I will have this inner peace that will guide me through any kind of storm.

With my upcoming move I also feel very inspired and motivated to start (re-)creating things again. I do hope I can generate enough income through self-employment and writing, but if needed I will additionally get a part-time job. I handed in the manuscript for my first book recently, now it’s editing and designing time. If everything goes as planned it will be published somewhere around March/April next year. It’s strange handing in something so personal that will be published for the whole world to read. But I feel I needed to do this. To get out of my own way and know that if my life story so far will help only one soul it will all have been worth it.

Some of the things I am thinking of (re-)creating: bringing back some form of animal communication with pets, writing more books, either officially published or self-published. Books on my life as an animal communicator, the story of our old three doggies, about my travels to the UK, my move to the UK. Creating my own oracle card set(s). Creating guided meditations and meditation-journeys, even offering personalised ones. Bringing Shamanism into my work. Creating things together with others, like I did with the Healing Circle. Doing offline, real life things like nature-medicine walks, “silent” be-treats and more. I am figuring all this out along the way, but most of all create things from a place of love and joy, because I feel I want to create these things. Not because I have to, or others feel I need to. With money as side-effect instead of the major drive behind my creations.

So, exciting times. I can’t wait for the next part of my journey to unfold.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

Am I an inspiration?


I am at a new housesitting address, where I am watching over a wonderful cat named Tibbe. This is actually in the part of the Netherlands where I initially thought I would move to, before choosing to follow my heart and soul and go for the UK.

I do like it here, it would have been a nice option, it’s more quiet, more trees, friendlier overall. But, it is still the Netherlands.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of stories and blogs about mental health and the effects of life, and how it is lived, on health in general. What I overall notice is that people are constantly striving for the same thing: success in the form of fame and material and monetary wealth, to live up to the beauty standard of magazines and media, to be happy all the time, to live the life of their dreams and to find their purpose in life.

But… what are they living up to? What are they following? Their own dreams? Their own souls’ path? Or are they following the rules of society? Of community? Of parents? Of ancestry? Of partners? Friends? Coaches and therapists? How many people really “know” themselves? How many people have been brainwashed by “the system”? There is so much pressure out there, so much competition. No wonder everybody is tired, suffering from burn outs or mental health issues. And when your body says no more, often it is numbed by addictive substances, excessive eating or extreme experiences. Shove it under the carpet. That only makes it worse. I observe so much disconnection, from self, from the heart and soul, from nature, from life.

This last year, detaching from everything and decluttering has left me feeling empty, alone, lost and very naked. I’ve had to ask for help a lot, I’ve had to learn to accept that help. And believe me, that was not easy for me. I am very grateful for all that has come my way this last year, so that I didn’t end up homeless or penniless. Gratefulness is an important part of the process.

I’ve had to let go of my need for perfection, of my need of outside acknowledgment. I’ve had to battle my inner critic, and fully accept myself in every way. And I am still working on that.

I’ve had to go deep within to look for my own answers. To defy the system, society. To not follow other peoples’ dreams or rules. Or fears for that matter. To let go of the feeling of responsibility for other peoples’ lives. To let go of the feeling of guilt for choosing me and not maintaining my relationships. Even though they sometimes appeared to be one-sided anyway. I’ve seen what some people see as “friendship” is not my definition of it. That sometimes they will only befriend you if they get “something” out of it. Especially in the hollow world of (social) media. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some wonderful human beings through the online world, and some of them I really would love to meet in real life, and some of them I have (and that was awesome!).

I’ve had to look deep into what spirituality means to me, and how the spiritual community often isn’t very grounded (and even fake!). And how the mainstream community isn’t very spiritual. I know I am somewhere in the middle, and that is the best place to be. Not to float off into the dreamworld and other realms, but also not getting stuck in the material, thinking world. I’ve had to look at what really matters to me.

Basically, I’ve been resetting. Writing my book, my divorce, my soul journey to the UK and the weeks after that have been real eye openers. I’ve not had an easy life so far, part of that is because of my own character, but I have no regrets. I’ve been learning and growing so much this last year. I really believe every experience so far was part of my path. Nothing was “done” to me.

I am now ready to build up again. On my own pace. In my own way. I am still running into things, but I know that if I really want it, if it really resonates with my soul, it will happen. And people and resources will come my way to help me make that happen.

I still have fears and worries about the future. I don’t know what Brexit will bring as extra consequences. Yes, I am still human. Lots of people call me an inspiration, and I often do not understand that, but part of me understands that I am. I am doing the work. All of it. Inner and outer. Walking my talk. And no, it’s not easy, but it is rewarding and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this alive. And I’ve felt deep fear, and panic, and hopelessness and depression. I’ve had times when I wanted to throw the towel in the ring.

Last week I realised that almost all the chains I had with the Netherlands have been broken over time. No job, no home, no relationship. Yes, I have some family and friends here, but there are ways to stay in touch. The Universe is literally clearing the way for me to step into the next part of my life.

Coming back to why I feel so many people have problems with health (in every way), is because they are not living according to their own needs, their own heart and souls’ calling. And no, it’s not easy to change, to let go of (often false) securities and go out there and live the life of your dreams. And no, sometimes it isn’t possible due to circumstances. But there is always the choice to make the very best of it. Not to complain about what life is throwing at you, but to see it as lessons and growth. Not to be the victim of circumstances but to take matters into your own hands and make it work for you. But then again, maybe being a victim is your life’s lesson. I don’t know, I don’t hold all the answers (thankfully!). I just observe and see how many times people say they wish they had the courage to do what I am doing. And all I want to say to them, stop looking at my life, look at your own and find your own courage. Turn inside. What is there. Don’t blame circumstances, often you did choose the life you are living, whether it was conscious or not. Especially here in the western countries. Be bold and go for it.

I often say I like being in nature and with animals more than with (most) humans, and I know that is because so many people are not “real”. They are merely living the life they think they should be living instead of the life they are supposed to be living according to their heart and soul. It doesn’t resonate, there is no harmony. And their whole system is saying: stop with that. But they don’t listen. Or they listen to outside sources telling what they are supposed to be doing with their lives. But how can those outside sources know? Only you know. Your heart knows. Your soul knows.

Yes, it’s scary. It’s not easy. But it is so worth it. Feeling alive in the way that is meant for you. If that means being an artist in any way, or jumping from a plane. It doesn’t matter. Do what resonates with you. Dump the rules of family, society and media. Do you. Unapologetically you. Unlearn all that outer “shit”, and go for it.

Know that if you do you will be supported. By those who really care about you (and not about their own needs and fears), by the Universe, by your guardians in other realms. Live!

Much love,


p.s. but do live in harmony with nature, the animals, the planet 🙂 No need for abusing them 😉

Back again


I’ve been torn these last few weeks. Torn between my heart and soul and my mind. My mind is telling me to be responsible, look for a daytime job, and rent a place. My mind is telling me to stay in The Netherlands and live the ordinary life, be there for my mother, support others on their paths. My mind is telling me a lot of should haves. I should have worked harder on my marriage, I should have adapted more. Be happy with what I had. Be content.

But my heart and soul are telling me a very different story. To finally choose me. To go for it. To live the life of my dreams. To pack up my stuff, move to the land I love and build a new life. To step into my role as bringer of Earth Medicine, to reconnect people to nature in all it’s beauty. To play my part in this healing journey of humanity and the planet. It’s the dreamer in me, the idealist, the hopeless romantic. It is not to be selfish, but to create an extraordinary life, to realise my dreams, to take care of my own needs, fill my own cup and find that place in nature that I have always dreamed of.

Leaving the house of my ex-husband for good brought on a lot of grief. Over a lost life, saying goodbye to one of the dogs and the cats. Especially that last bit has been heartbreaking for me. And right now I am actually kind of missing my old life, even miss my ex-husband. Not that I want him back, but it’s more that everything I knew is now really over. The comfort. The familiar. And choosing me, moving to the UK, would mean I would not get to see them much. As with friends and family. Telling my mother I was going to the UK put her into an even deeper victim mode. She doesn’t understand, and who is going to take care of her, and this will kill her. She’s lost everything and I am going to make it worse. And yes, part of me understands that, and it is the part of me that has been thinking, okay, I will wait and move once she has passed. But that might take a long time. Too long to fulfil the promise I made to myself and Cheyenne. To create a life of love and ease and joy. The picture on top of this blog is of her in the UK, I asked her if she was happy and this was the face she gave me. I miss that face. So, for both our sakes, I just have to choose following my heart and soul. This once. My mind has been leading for far too long now. Like 40 years or so…..

But when I came here to the house sitting address, I was still in the mode of finding a temporary home and job in the Netherlands. Looking into the options and inquiring after prices and such however really got me down. Depressed actually. To the point I asked my ex if he would take Cheyenne back so I could find something on my own. Or maybe even leave this Earth. For good. Because at that point I was so fed up with life, society, rules and regulations, a money based society, that I had no more self-worth left.

So I journaled, meditated and more. And every time moving to the UK came to the surface. Even my ex said that he had not seen me and Cheyenne ever happier then over there. More tears. More releasing. So, I reached out to the person I stayed with earlier and she is giving me the option to start from her place. Stay there for a few months and build up from there. So, I looked into what was needed practically for that. Again, rules, regulations. And then came the procrastinating. On everything. On finishing my book. On looking for a way of income. The last bit of income I had is paused, as the one I co-create that with is just like me building up a new life. And we need our time and energy for that. So, the Universe is clearly giving me a message on that.

I am staying at a friends house at the moment, while they are away on an amazing trip to Canada. I needed to do this, to be here. To figure out even more. Because I still had living in a city and housesitting as options for ways of living. I now know I could never live in a city. And neither can Cheyenne. It is just too overwhelming for us country gals. Too much noise, too busy, too much pollution (in every form), no connection. People are not very friendly, always running, and living in their phone. Yes, the upside is that transport is easier, and shops nearby. But I would never thrive in a city. It would be a constant state of survival for us. And even with transport nearby, I am turning into a hermit! I don’t want to leave the house, and neither does Cheyenne. Housesitting is fine for now, but not an option in the long run. I now know I would love a place of my own. Not buying perse, but a place to call home where I can have my own stuff. I have no desire for a big home anymore or owning lots of stuff, but still. I also would love the freedom to do as I please. I have a vision of the place I would love and I know it is out there. I am learning how to receive, that has never been my strong point either, so I am inviting all of this in.

Transport is a constant “thing” for me. Travelling by public transport is ok, and I love trains, but not with Cheyenne. And not in the Netherlands. Overall the difference of being with a dog in the Netherlands or in the UK is huge. Almost nobody over here greets her, and more often look at her like she is a nuisance. And it is getting to us. I have been very mad at myself for not getting my drivers license when I could. Because I now am facing the consequences of that. It’s not that I didn’t try, or couldn’t drive, let’s say I have not been lucky with trying to get it. In the Netherlands it is not so easy to get a drivers license and very expensive. The money is the reason why I had to stop previous times, I just ran out. Because of all of that I thought it just wasn’t meant to be. It didn’t fit in with my ideals and values. It didn’t fit into my world of caring for the environment and the planet. But still, when living in the UK a drivers license would be handy. Cycling is not really an option there, that is very different from the Netherlands. And also because the trains are pretty expensive compared to the Netherlands. So, I have been looking at getting it, but the costs are just too much for me at this time. Moving to the UK will not change that for now, as over there I need to be a resident with my own address to be able to get it. So, even though it is kind of a priority, creating income and finding a place of my own are more important at this time. I do get tired of being dependant on others for transport though. It’s not freedom. But for now I have to overcome that part.

I’ve found an option to get some of my stuff over to the UK at a reasonable cost, it is something that was created for students, but they also offer their services for other people that are going abroad for a longer period of time. So, that will solve the problem of getting my stuff over there, because I have to travel by boat and train again with Cheyenne.

Basically, right now, I have made enquiries about most of the practical stuff, like health insurance and so on, I know I can stay in the UK for 6 months without a problem. I am getting Cheyenne’s rabies shot sorted out, because that would expire around the time I would go back to the UK. My friend has set some very agreeable terms for living with her. And I am actually ready to go. After the housesitting here and with someone else I can leave. Nothing is stopping me now but me. And my fears. And my what ifs. I am already having ideas around creating income, and am totally open to receiving income through various channels. Of being flexible. It’s the what ifs now, my mind trying to stop me. But when I start feeling into it, I really, really, really want to live in the UK.

My mind is at war with my heart and soul at times, but what I do now is show my mind the images of how it would feel to live the life of my dreams. I show my mind the pictures of how we felt when we were in the UK, walking on the moors, standing on top of hills, walking along rivers and lakes, being at the seaside. The overwhelming feeling of love, joy, peace, calm and inspiration I get when I am there. When my feet touch the land. That has never happened to me in the Netherlands. It is the feeling of coming home. I think I have been homesick for a long, long time. Probably ever since I’ve been to the UK the first time. When I was 15 or something. With school. And that was London, not even the countryside. My heart is there. Every time I go there a part of me is left behind. Calling for the rest of me to come over. And yes, I will run into some of the same things as I do over here. People are still people, governments, rules and regulations are everywhere. It will not be easy at times. A different culture, away from friends and family. The feeling of guilt on my shoulders about my mother. It will not go away. But the calling of the land is too big. I can no longer deny it. My heart and soul are bound with that land. That always inspires me, makes me feel loved, wanted. I no longer feel the need to explain this feeling, if you have never experienced it yourself it cannot be explained. I do feel it is now or never, also with Brexit in mind. I don’t want to reach the end of my life not having done this, forever wondering what it would have been like. Forever longing. I owe it to myself, my heart, my soul, and to Cheyenne. My mind will follow.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne

p.s.: I am going to get my business, HeartMessages, going again, I am going to create some amazing things, just a bit more patience. And my book will get out there, but as with every good book, takes time to create 🙂 As you may have noticed by now I am not the quick fix kind of type. I share a lot of my daily insights and pull cards and more in my free Facebook group, so maybe you might want to join me and other beautiful souls there!


Surrendering to and accepting myself


I’ve been back from the UK now for a while, and this week is the last week I am staying at my ex-husbands place. From there I am going to house sit for a few weeks and after that? I don’t know yet. I am surrendering to what comes my way, to feel into everything I research, if that is in alignment with my heart and soul.

I’ve had time to think and feel a lot lately. To observe myself. How I react. What I do. If I have any blocks or limiting beliefs. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just fine. I am all I need to be. My tendency to compare myself to others, look for outside confirmation, they have all led to me trying to label myself as something. Putting myself in a box. And if there’s one thing I need to do, is stop doing that!

I had a talk with my publisher last week, and something I said suddenly made me realise the reason why my finances have been not in a good place and going down. Because what I did with every euro I earned, I invested them in more programs, coaches, ways to learn about myself. From OUTSIDE sources! And now I am at a point where I can no longer afford to do that, so life kind of forced me to look inside for answers. To look into my heart and soul.

And you know what I discovered? I really like me, yes love me even. When I am on my own I don’t judge myself, I don’t try to label myself or anything. I am fine just the way I am. I know my strong points, I know my weak points. And you know what? I don’t have to change any of them, or work on them. Because why do I do that? To conform to other peoples labels, boxes, expectations? All outside of myself.

In my core I am a very loving and caring person. And no, that can never be too much, I don’t have to shield or protect myself. I don’t have to do that once I fully accept, love and appreciate myself. The most loving thing I can do for myself is create a life that can handle being myself completely.

I don’t have to work on limiting beliefs or blocks, because I don’t have them. Others made me think I have them. And I listened to others, for a very, very long time.

I am sensitive, I feel deeply. Seeing animals, nature, the planet, people in pain causes me pain. Literally. My senses are working overtime at times. But should I change that? No. Why should I? Because that pain is causing me to take action. To feel passionate enough again to take steps towards doing something about it. That passion had been burned out many years ago, and I have been trying to ignite it with outside sources.

I made a list of what truly brings me joy, passion, love. And that is nature and the animals. That is what brings me healing, brings me to a place of peace and quiet. Inspires me deeply.

It doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with people. I do. With certain people. That share the same passion. But not too much, not too long. It overwhelms me. And no, I no longer feel I need to change that. I am fine with who I am in this. You see, I’ve been looking for my “tribe” for many years. Because that’s what we are supposed to do, as social beings. Belong to a tribe or community. But I’ve never felt at home with any of them. And I am at a point now where I am no longer convinced I need to be. I am not a hermit, but I love being on my own, very much. Spending time in nature. Just being. Listening to music. Reading. Spending quality time with my dog. Not talking. Oh… the bliss of not talking all the time. I am allowing myself fully to find my own way in that too.

When it comes to my business, I am now sure I no longer want to run a business in the conventional way, even if it has the label heart-centered. I above all want to help nature, the planet, the animals, and just be. I don’t like selling. I don’t like pointing you to your painpoints, convincing you you have a limiting belief you need to work on, giving you a miracle solution, or make you dependant on me. There are loads of people out there who love doing all of that, so I leave that to them. I am a strong advocate of taking control over your own life and take responsibility for all your actions. I am doing that myself, and it is freeing and liberating.

I still love writing, but I love that because of the art of writing. It is my way of expressing myself. I don’t want to be put in a box as a writer and be flooded by all kinds of people who want to tell me how to write and how to market myself. Writing is not a business for me, it is much more.

So, I will do very little with my business. Maybe create some things that will help you reconnect to nature, but most things I will discontinue. For good this time. I will find other ways of income. And in that also find my own way, seeing how much I really need, and be happy with a simple and humble life. I no longer want to strive for bigger, better, more. My dream is a small home in the UK, in or near woods, lakes, rivers. And have loads of time to just be, walk in nature, write, read. Together with Cheyenne. No more working long hours to buy stuff I don’t need. I discovered I really don’t need much. And that too is ok.

I feel this is my purpose in life. The task I set myself this lifetime. To just allow myself to be. To accept and love myself as I am. Fully. Unapologetically.

So, that’s where I am at right now. I am going to look for a (temporary) home and job or income, to eventually start living my dream.

And I am loving it.

Much love




There and back again?


Yes, the title of this blog is a reference to the subtitle of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Because I have returned from my soul-journey to the UK. And I often felt like Bilbo, and Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. And I encountered many curious creatures on my path.

Did I find what I was looking for? Yes and no. And as with every great journey or adventure, it had many unexpected twists and turns. I don’t want to reveal too much with this blog as I will turn this into my second book (If my first ever comes out that is).

It was an amazing trip, that’s for sure. Even with all the interesting and at times scary stuff that happened. More than anything, every pilgrimage or quest will eventually be a journey on finding yourself. And I did, in many ways. And I met amazing people who held space for me when I needed it the most. My soul-dog Cheyenne turned out to be an amazing teacher and mirror for me.

Great expectations. Another reference to a book of one of my favourite authors all time, Charles Dickes. I tried to set out without expectations, as I always fear disappointment, and wanted, above all, enjoy the moment. But, they did creep in, the expectations. Because the traveling, by public transport and by foot, was what I was looking forward to the most. And the typical English weather, not too hot, some clouds, rain and more. Moody weather as I call it. And there were things I wasn’t looking forward too, like doing it all by myself, being alone, and other minor things. Well, as you might guess, the things I was looking forward too turned out to be quite a challenge and the things I was afraid of turned out to be the easiest of this journey.

Well, the weather? Somehow I traveled at the start of one of the most extreme warm summers ever recorded. And let me tell you, I don’t like heat! And Cheyenne doesn’t either. So the planned (and pre-booked) walking holiday turned out to be very different. I will tell more about that part in my book. Public transport wasn’t that easy, especially not with a dog, and was often very expensive.

I did learn I am never alone, and that there are some amazing souls out there that are offering help even when I am not always clear in asking for it. I did learn to ask for help, and be vulnerable. I discovered that I most of all went on this trip to prove to myself (and others) that I can do it all on my own. And I probably can, but I realised I don’t have to. That was a big lesson. And with no car and a dog that at one point didn’t want to enter a bus or train anymore, I had to make decisions along the way to alter my journey, be flexible and change every time. I ended up staying with the most wonderful and generous person I ever met in my life for a big part of my journey. I stayed in another amazing persons caravan for a week at the beach, and I absolutely loved it. I met up with my publisher in Liverpool, talking about life and more, everything but my book! But I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to visit before I left. And discovered other places I truly wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on.

I had a lot of time to think, journal, feel and cry. I had wonderful conversations with beautiful people. I laughed again. About simple things. Some people I met for just a short while, others I hope to know the rest of my life. Some people helped me to put things into perspective. Others just made me realise I have the gift of holding a sacred and safe space for people to open up and pour their hearts out.

My host and I had amazing conversations about our mutual talent as animal communicator, and we discovered a very similar way or thinking and working. Something we both thought we never would. I helped her, she helped me. She helped me with understanding Cheyenne better. And with that myself. And her (and the amazing owner of the caravan too) giving nature “forced” me into receiving mode. I realised that receiving is something so hard for me. I realised that I never considered anything in my life as “mine”. Not even the money I got from the sale of the house. Somehow it felt like “his” money. It made me realise I really hardly ever ask anything for myself. That in asking something there is always something deeper behind it, helping someone or something else, helping the planet. I am so afraid of being considered egoistic or egocentric. I realised I have some heavy karma I carried into this life with me. The karma of “suffering”. I decided there that from now on I would enjoy more instead of suffer. I realised that despite the “suffering”, underneath there is a base of being happy and content. When there are no outer distractions, when I am on my own in nature, well with Cheyenne, I am at my core very peaceful, and at ease.

I discovered what I don’t want anymore, and am getting more clear on what I do want and desire. I’ve read a book on alternative living while I was traveling, and that helped me narrow down what kind of house or home I would like. I realised it is perfectly fine to want to have something “of my own”. There is no need to fear I will become greedy, as that is not in my nature. But I can have enough, or even just more than enough, abundance. I know that in my case, that will never be about endless growth and desire.

I felt very welcome, even if the weather was more than I could handle, and I never felt unwanted. Or too much. It felt effortless, even with the traveladventures.

The energy of the land, the amazing countryside, the hills, the (not so green) fields, the buildings, the rivers, wildlife, everything. It was very deeply healing, and deeply inspiring.

So much so, that at one point I just felt ready to go back to the Netherlands for now and start mapping out my new future and take action steps towards that. Those are in random order: finding my own (temporary) place, find a source of regular income, get a drivers license, start taking action on re-building my business and eventually move to the UK permanently.

Regarding living: I do know my heart and soul are so connected to the UK, that I kind of left them behind again. So I will start taking steps towards uniting my body with my heart and soul in the land that I so deeply love, and loves me in return. So much so, it almost didn’t let me leave! But read more on that in my book 😉

Regarding work: For now I am ok with finding a form of income next to my writing and other creative work. Ideally, I will get enough income from my books and related products, writing articles and blogs and more. I do feel more and more called to really actively get people connected to nature again, in a positive way. Earth-medicine is my way, so nature walks, be-treats, meditations, and more. I am also looking into working together with others more in creating things like that, like I am already doing with Karin Monster in our Healing Circle.

Regarding drivers’ license: I thought that would be the first step, but somehow it feels like I need to get that once I live in the UK. It does make sense, so I will do that when I live there.

Regarding my business, HeartMessages: rebuilding it as a way to support me on my writers and Earth-Medicine journey.

I still have a lot of mindset work to do, but I know there are people out there I can turn to, who have my back, and I can turn to when I need a little moral support. I know I don’t need another (business-)coach, I’ve been there, done that so to speak, it is time to finally step into my own power and start creating from my heart, my being. No longer giving my power away, by doing what others feel I should be doing, and never really feeling the joy and passion in it. But by doing what gives me joy and is my passion. I saw passion. With the people I stayed with, the people I talked with. At the gathering my host had organised and how all the presenters were truly authentically passionate about what they shared. How passionate my host is about her work as animal communicator and teacher. I loved that. It is something I’ve always missed in my work and jobs so far. What is my passion? Well, obviously, it’s nature. It has always been nature. The animals, the planet. And I am very good at being, just being. Being at peace. Being in silence. Connecting to all that is. Being a voice for those who don’t speak human. And this is what I would love to share and let others experience. Through my writing, through nature walks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Returning back to The Netherlands felt like a cold shower, but I was still going to go for it. I was allowed to return to live with my ex-husband for now, but it felt and feels very awkward. For both of us. And on top of that, the summer decided to take it up a notch. Last week the temperatures reached hights I hadn’t experienced in a long time, the room I am staying in is the hottest in the house, so had to stay in other parts of the house. Going outside was just not doable for me, and when it is this hot, my brain sort of stops functioning, so all not working in my favour. I felt homesick, miserable, my feet very swollen from the heat, had several horsefly bites with an intense reaction, the mosquitos seem to like me all of the sudden. It’s not easy living with my ex, I feel like I am too much and in his way, my mother is not well but she is too stubborn to really accept help from others than my sister and me, the responsibilities are taking its toll on me again. The worries about my house and income situation put me into acting from a place of fear and panick again instead of peace and calm. And I miss the nature walks, the relative peace and silence I so crave. I made a list of all the friends that want to connect to me, and it is freaking me out so much that I don’t want to reach out at all. I felt very stuck. Again. Much like how I felt before I left for my journey. I wondered if I would be able to break the “suffering” mode that I promised to do when I was in the UK, or if suffering was just something I signed up for in this life. But, being back on social media, made me realise that my suffering is not as bad as for a lot of other people in the world. It did help me put things in perspective. Not that I am downgrading what I feel, and I have felt like ending it all at one point, but it does make me realise that it is not all that bad. That I need to step out of my own drama and stories.

So, here we are today. The worst of the heat has gone, and I feel a little more able to think again, and feel, and again ready to move forward. I realise the journey never stopped after returning to the Netherlands, it just goes on. And on. And it probably will never stop. As so many great people always have said: it is about the journey after all, and not the destination.

I am ready for the next leg of this journey called life.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.

Soul Journey


Well, it’s almost time. Coming Monday I will be leaving for my road trip/pilgrimage through the UK. I actually call it my soul journey, because it is a way for me to fully reset. After everything that has happened the past few years. And how I have lost myself, my path, my way.

Not that it’s been all bad, on the contrary. But…. What I have come to realise in the process of writing my book is that I have been a people pleaser for far too long. Always thinking of others, in everything I do. Maybe some of my choices have seemed egocentric, but then there was an idea of a higher purpose behind it. Of being of service to others, the animals, the planet. I have never really done anything truly for myself. Until now. This trip is truly for me.

The journey has already begun. With making choices and decisions along the way. Testing things out. But also in letting go of always thinking of others. Of my now ex-husband, my mother, my sister, my friends, my pets, my business and so on. The idea of packing my stuff and going away for a few weeks is bringing me a sense of joy, freedom, excitement, fear, doubt, anxiety. Everything you can imagine. When I look at the dog that is staying behind, and the cats, I tear up every time. I have to let go. I have to trust that they will be fine with my ex. He is a great guy, even if we don’t fit anymore, and I know he loves them, so I just need to let go of that responsibility. I need to let go of the worries around my sister, now having to cope with everything around my mother on her own for a while. I need to let go of the worries for the future and just live in the present. I am not clear on where I will end up when I get back. Where my “own” place will be. What kind of work I will do. What kind of tribe I want to connect with.

I will be offline as much as possible, really be with myself, my dog, nature, and everything that will come onto my path. It is time to choose my own path now, and no longer follow other people’s ways. To break free from the norms of society, to live a free life as much as possible. To make choices that bring me joy, instead of them being wise and sensible choices. Choices because of the fear of losing control. I am hitting the reset button.

I need to be away from the people I know (and love) for a while, because I need to find out what I, what my heart and soul, truly long for. Away from well-meant worries and advice. Away from outside influences. Find a sense of confidence in my own choices. Not let other people’s opinions and fears influence my choices anymore.

So, yes, I am ready for this. And I am not. But I am going to do it anyway. Because my heart and soul are telling me to do this.

I will check in with you all in a few weeks but for now, please remember to embrace and enjoy life, whenever and wherever you can. Life will always have challenges for you, but every day holds special moments. Look for those when you feel it all becomes too much. Look into the eyes of your child, your dog. Be with a flower, a tree. Watch the honeybees gathering the pollen as if they weren’t endangered. Watch the clouds in the skies, the stars at night. Life is beautiful, but sometimes we forget how beautiful it can be.

Much love,


A sustainable life


Normally I have no problem writing a blog. But this one? I started it over and over again. I think I really got in the way of myself. Because every time when I read it back, I felt it was too judgmental, I was too (self-)righteous.

But I still have a deep need in me to share about this. About what is happening to our planet, to nature, to the animals. I am not saying I have it all together, I am constantly making steps towards a life that is more in harmony with nature and the planet. I want to simplify my life, make my footprint on the earth smaller.

I have been on a long journey, and during that journey, I have always been making concessions. Depending on the people or circumstances in my life at that time. But this deeper drive to create a simplified life and more awareness have always been there. When I was in my teens I even wanted to join Greenpeace and actively start saving animals and chaining myself to trees and more.

I never did though, I never walked protest marches. I donated money. I signed petitions. I did door to door collecting for animal protection organisations. I made some steps towards living a more sustainable life. But never the steps I really wanted to make, deep down. Always making concessions.

I once followed a course about the impact we have on nature, the environment. And in that course, certain things were predicted would happen. But back then even I didn’t think it would come that far. But it is happening. All that was foreseen would happen if we wouldn’t change our consumer behaviour is happening. And even things they didn’t foresee, like the plastic soup problem.

I’ve wandered off my path. Trying to find some form of middle way. I had spiritual people tell me I shouldn’t worry that much, don’t take the weight of the Earth on my shoulders. The Earth had her own path to walk, and it would turn out all right they said. Looking back at statements like that, it feels just like they were maybe just looking for ways to justify their own actions. Or non-actions. Because change is not always easy. But, the spiritual concept of oneness, should be reason enough to take action! If Mother Earth could do this by herself, she would have done so already, and people like me, who want to create awareness wouldn’t be born. Wouldn’t feel they are on a mission. They would not be needed. They wouldn’t exist!

I’ve wandered off my path, thinking I needed to help people. That my talent as healer and animal communicator was the way to create this awareness. But it didn’t bring me what I was aiming for. They said I needed to be patient, that it would take time. Things like this don’t change or happen overnight. But I feel time is running out! And I am in danger of ending up in a place where I don’t care about what happens to my own species anymore. That I want to throw the towel in the ring. Just live out my life in a simple way.

But I can’t. Because I do care. Maybe even too much. Not just about people close to me, but about nature, the animals, the planet. It breaks my heart to see them suffering from our actions. From our demanding ways of life.

So, for now, I am most of all taking action towards my own behaviour, and seeing how I can take steps towards living a simple and sustainable life. Be a living example, walk my talk. To show that this kind of life can be just as fulfilling, if not more fulfilling. Because it also involves finding joy and happiness within, and no longer from outside sources, especially in material form.

Last year I started a declutter journey. Going through “my” things and getting rid of what I no longer wanted to have or need. Along the way, I got so many insights and revelations on this. How we are constantly bombarded from all sides that we need outside stuff to make us happy. We need certain foods, personal hygiene products, cosmetics, cars, vacations, spiritual growth, careers. We need to follow certain ways of life, get married, have children, buy a house, own a car, have a tv, computer, smartphone.  We need to go on (spiritual) retreats, we need to do things that help us relax, like getting massages, going to spas, and so on. And the latest trend is to (again) use animals for that. And I do believe animals can help us with that, but it should be voluntary and guided by someone who can read the needs of the animal. It is not all about us. I think humans should really get off their high horse. Literally.

And there is another aspect to this. We want more. We need growth and expansion. So, we need the newest products, newest innovations. More. Bigger. Better. And, in my humble opinion, if we fall for that, we lose our connection to nature, and what and who we truly are. Because we ARE nature.

I have never been very attached to “things”. Not even the houses I lived in. So, it was and is easy for me to let go. I am not even that attached to relationships, I always feel people come and go in one’s life, some maybe just for a short while, others stay a lifetime. But I have never wanted to own them, possess them, claim them. I don’t get the concept of a BFF for instance. I also don’t really get the whole marriage constitution anymore. I feel it is most of all something that is conditioned. Why not be with someone just for the sake of being together. Enjoying each other’s company. Without any form of “forever”. And expectations. And marriage has also been turned into a huge commercial thing. Bigger, better, more. Everything is turned into a competition. Bigger, better, more.

I am turning this around for myself. Less is more. I am going for inner growth. Get my needs answered from within. And not consume or own more than I need. In fact, I want to let go of the whole being owner illusion. I realised this regarding the house we lived in. As a “house owner”. That was never really ours, but the banks. And it is not even the banks. Because all the material used for building that house once was part of the earth. And we took it from her, without payment, without giving thanks, without giving anything in return. Hell, even the ground the house stands on does not belong to us. It is not ours to claim or sell for that matter. Humans seem to be very greedy. Now that is a trade humanity could do without.

But, again, I don’t want to sound like I am preaching something, or that I am better than others. Not at all. It is just because I care. On so many levels. I just want to create awareness, so that people can make more conscious choices. And please, don’t say that humans need to heal themselves first, as so many have pointed out at me because if we wait for that, it might be too late! I believe very much that our healing paths are linked to the healing of the earth because we are all one. When you start to heal yourself, heal your life, you will become aware of the impact of your choices on the whole.

Now, I cannot force other people to change, and I don’t want to, the motivation has to come from the right place, from within, but I can change myself. With every choice I make at this time, I am taking into account the effects of that on the planet, the animals. Everything. And it starts with figuring out what I really need. Back to basics.

So, just to sum up some things that I have been thinking about and want to change:

Housing: When you think about it, the whole being human isn’t very sustainable. We are the only species on earth that need year-round housing, clothing, preparing of food. So, as I chose the human experience this round, I kind of need a roof over my head. Now, what I feel at this time, is that this doesn’t have to be a home in the form of owning a place. Renting is just as good. I’ve considered many forms of alternative living, but I haven’t found anything that really speaks to me. It is either in a community form where there are certain rules and regulations, or the why of the community, that doesn’t speak to me. What I do like is the sharing part, like sharing household appliances, sharing a veggie garden and more. I’ve been looking at tiny houses, but besides the whole money/land/ownership around these, I wonder how sustainable they really are on the long run. They are mostly made from wood, so a lot of trees are being sacrificed for them, and I wonder how long they will last. One lifetime? And then? So, in my eyes, not really sustainable. So, I am not convinced about the form of home I want to live in. I do know I don’t want a big house anymore. The bigger the house, the more stuff you seem to gather. And what would I want with all that space! I really don’t like cleaning, I feel I can use my time for other things. So, a small house. Near or in nature would be preferable. As I don’t have a driver’s license, or a car, I need to take that in mind too. And I don’t want a driver’s license. Not for now. Not as long as cars and fuel are a big contributor to the environmental problems. Looking at furniture, not too much, produced in a sustainable way, or second hand. Right now I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, and I have no problems with that at all. I don’t care about having the latest fashion, in any area of my life! Being sustainable is my fashion. I am more and more disliking the ornamental ways of gardening, that have no natural value what so ever. And why have a garden if you fill it with tiles? Don’t get that at all. Smothering Mother Earth. Causing problems with heavy rainfall. To me a garden is the perfect place to connect to nature, to ground, to plant things that help the animals, that work together. To have a vegetable garden, so I can grow my own foods. Things like that. And work together with nature, not declare war on nature. If something doesn’t thrive in my garden, then it’s not in the right place (yes, this is a metaphor), I will not use chemicals to force it to thrive, or to kill the bugs that are having a feast with it. And I want to live with green energy as much as possible. Not use any more energy than needed.

Transport: Already talked about that a bit. I love walking and wouldn’t mind living in an area where I can do most of my exploring and shopping on foot. Traveling to other places I would preferably do by public transport. And I want to avoid flying as much as possible. If that means I will not see as much of the world, then so be it. I want to live life in the slow lane anyway, I wasn’t meant for living life in the fast lane. Never was. I was always “slower” than others. I started thinking about all the precious materials and resources used for transport, especially in this “throw-away-buy the latest-society” we live in now. They are not even made to last long anymore! I see it with my bicycle, in the car of my ex. So, yes, transport is an area of attention for me.

Food: I am already vegetarian, but leaning towards becoming vegan. I just need to find the right things to replace the eggs and cheese, and that my body can handle. The meat and dairy industry is not sustainable, and horrible to the animals. So, yes, that. There is more to eating that piece of meat on your plate than meets the eye. But most people want to ignore that, because they love the taste of meat. I doubt that, for I don’t see people eating raw meat. It’s not like eating an apple. It has to be slaughtered, prepared, seasoned, cooked. So, do they really like the taste of meat? Something to think about? And the oceans are getting empty, so also no more fish products for me. And then there is amounts of packing material I encounter when I cook a meal. It is making me sick. The amounts of plastic, paper, and other stuff. Wow…. That needs to change. And I want to eat even more organic. I will have to find ways to do that. Right now, I am still making concessions for several reasons, and I don’t want to have to make them anymore. Food is medicine. It is first medicine. I only drink water and herbal tea and some rice milk for my breakfast. And last year I realised how much precious resources are wasted in making alcoholic beverages (including so much water), so I stopped drinking the little alcohol I did all together. And I am not missing it at all. Drinking water is something I can do better at, as right now where I live I don’t trust the quality of the tap water, so I am using bottled water. And I know that is a big source of the plastic soup problem. But as long as there are weird chemicals in the tap water, I will not drink that, and only use it for other things. I try to eat as much refined sugar free as possible, and that has also made a huge impact on my health, together with getting rid of foods with artificial sweeteners, flavour and colour enhancers. When I look at an average ingredients list in the supermarket all I can think of is why? It is not beneficial for our health, so why?

Personal care products and clothing: another thing I am passionate about. There is so much I don’t understand in this, and never really have. Why using all that stuff to look different? And having many allergies to especially chemical products, have made the choices in this easy for me. I only use very basic stuff, and even in there I feel I can do even better. And clothes, well, I kind of wear them until they fall apart, and then throw away. Or if I don’t fit them anymore, they will go to charity, or a second-hand store. Did you know the clothing industry is the second largest polluting industry after cars/oil? And not to mention the child-labour aspects in clothing. But, it is not easy finding suitable, sustainable, organic clothes that I can wear with my allergies, and are affordable. And then often my size comes in the way. But I am getting there, finding my way in the clothing jungle. I still wear leather shoes, because that is about the only thing I can handle on my feet. And as long as I live in areas where walking bare feet is either too cold or too dangerous with all the litter lying around combined with hot asphalt, I have to make some choices in this. But, again, wearing shoes until they fall apart, or can’t be repaired anymore. Yes, shoes can be repaired you know. So can clothes for that matter. Personal care is very basic for me, and I try to shower just once a week. It’s better for my skin, and for the environment. I don’t wear make-up or nail polish, I only use a basic crème for after the shower (remember, the chemicals in the water), I have found an amazing shampoo block that is awesome for my hair and lasts a long time. And it is not in a plastic bottle! So, even less plastic soup. I hardly ever use deodorant, and since I stopped using that I’ve been getting less smelly. Also, don’t shave anymore, I feel that was also part of scent problem. I don’t use perfume or other scents to mask my own smell. Nothing wrong with my own smell 😀 I think we have forgotten how to smell like humans 😀 (I feel there is more to this, but that is for another blog). I make my own toothpaste based on coconut oil and clay and essential oils. It lasts longer, I don’t have those plastic tubes, and ever since I started using it, the health of my teeth and gums have improved. My period is a thing of concern, I still use disposable pads (organic), but everything else I have tried so far gave me a rash. And a rash or itching down there sucks. I don’t have heavy periods, so I am not using that much pads per period, but still. And I am almost 49, so probably will not have periods for that long anymore. But if you can stand things like silicon, there are cups and stuff. I also tried to use washable pads and stuff, but they started to irritate too, especially when cycling.

Health-care: Well, ever since I started working on myself inside and out, I am relatively healthy by now. I hardly ever have to visit a doctor or hospital anymore. If there is something going on I prefer to go with natural remedies as support, but only after I have figured out what the meaning is behind what I am experiencing. Even if I cut myself! I wasn’t paying attention ? My preferred remedies are herbal remedies, flower remedies, animal essences (no actual animals are in there, just the energy), essential oils (scarcely) and homeopathy. Especially that last one fits my sustainable lifestyle, and I have had many good results with it. And of course, looking at my diet helps. I have also stopped smoking many years ago, and not taking anything with hormones anymore. I hardly ever use painkillers, I just listen to my body, rest, and meditate, use breathing techniques. And homeopathy. Pain and discomfort are signs of my body telling me that something is going on, and I will no longer suppress the signs. I also take care of my emotional and mental health, by writing, journaling, talking to people, and going into nature. Especially that last one is one of my biggest medicines. Just connecting to the earth, the plants, the trees, the animals. And even though I like a good massage and visiting a spa once in a while, I would love to create a life where I don’t need them anymore, just do it because I love it. Well, visiting a spa might fall off my list, not very sustainable. But still, self-care and self-love are a big part of health-care. Also looking at what makes my heart sing, and doing more of that. And wanting to move to a cleaner area, with less air-water-light-noise pollution.

Material Possessions: For some reason I have been a collector of “stuff” for many years. Not a hoarder, but still, buying stuff I don’t really need. Even collected stamps for a while, and collectable movie cards. When I started to declutter last year, it felt so freeing. And it really made me wonder why we do this. Is this still the hunter/gatherer caveman inside of us? Now, I have never been someone to buy something new while the old was still working, but even then I had so many stuff. Books, most of them never read and probably never will. CD’s, from a time when you had to buy cd’s in order to listen to music. DVD’s, most of them bought because I liked the movie, but never watched again. So many statues and other ornamental stuff. Why? Only space filling! So many mugs, and bowls, and other household stuff I would never use. And I could go on and on. Also loads of spiritual stuff, two harps (one of them I never played), instruments I never used. I have sold and given away so many stuff. And I still feel I have too much stuff. Photo’s. So many of them. Never looking at them besides a few precious ones. And I don’t have children, so who would I pass them on too? Time to clear those too. Only keep a few. Digital clutter! Don’t underestimate digital clutter. Mails from years ago, old files, and other stuff kept for safekeeping I didn’t even know I had stored. The dangers of the digital cluttering! Old phones, old glasses that I couldn’t even wear anymore. The only thing that did come in handy was that I kept all my old calendars, diaries, journals. It helped me in writing my first book. A phone, a laptop, a desktop. Mobile phone and landline phone. All the electronic devices using up energy. I don’t want to own a tv anymore, the media is nothing but brainwashing bad news anyway, and then brainwashing advertising telling you to buy their product to be happy (after seeing all that bad and negative stuff). Or how we all should compete about everything, because you only matter when you are a winner. Out with the tv and most movies for that matter. Hollywood is also screwing up our ideas about love and romance!

Pets: One thing that is a challenge on sustainability is having pets. When I see how much waste I get from them, the food containers, cat litter, poop bags and more. And the way their foods are produced, the ingredients and more. And having a pet on an organic diet is expensive, and there is not much choice. Well, there is more and more, but still. If my pet refuses to eat the organic stuff, then what? If all goes well, I will end up with just one dog, and the other pets will stay with my ex, but it is something for me to think about in the future. How sustainable is having pets? I know they are good for our well-being, but still, have to consider this.

Work/income: This is maybe the most difficult part for me right now. Even though I dream of a world with a different kind of economic system, where money is not the most important thing, right now, in this time, I do need some money. But… if I declutter and simplify in every area, how much money would I actually need? And what is really important to me? I value free time to just explore and be much more than a big house or a lot of stuff. Or going on holidays. I am figuring that out right now. Housing in the Netherlands is very expensive, so most of what I need would be for living. So, maybe move to another country? Freedom to roam the Earth is not doable in these times, so have choices to make. And then, where would my income come from? I am still doubting if I want to continue being an entrepreneur. It is not really “my thing” I believe, because I don’t like selling. And all the rules and regulations. Many people have tried to get me to sell essential oils from certain brands as a source of income, but I don’t feel that’s right for me. Besides not liking the whole system behind those brands, I don’t think it’s very sustainable. I know the amounts of materials needed to produce a kilogram of oil, and if everybody starts using the oils in the quantities these companies want, we would need extra planets! So, not something that is in alignment with my values. And selling something that I cannot support will never work anyway. So, what then? Work in a supermarket? In an office again? If I have to I will, but if I can avoid that I will try. And I could only work for companies or organisations that are in line with my values and beliefs. Maybe I will just go work on an organic farm, hands in the soil, taking care of animals, being outside. Hmmmm. I wouldn’t mind that at all. What I do love is writing, so I want time for that. Books, blogs, inspirational short stories, channelling the messages from the animals and nature. I didn’t go into the writing business to become a best seller. I do it because I love to write. And just as any other area in my life, I value quality above quantity. So, no mass production. These are my babies, and I don’t want to hurry their delivery. They are to inspire, not sell my ideas, my products, my 10-step plan to happiness. So, maybe some additional work in that area, that I can do from home. Editing, translating, narrating? Become the next David Attenborough?

Now, I can almost hear you thinking, that is a boring life! Well, to me it isn’t! I have a very rich life because for me it is all about experiences. And I have plenty of those. It is about being. About inner peace, being in balance with nature. THAT makes me happy! Life for me is not about the fast lane, the career, the numbers, the goals, the achievements. About doing as much stuff as possible. About learning yet another skill. About always being involved in something. Life is about living. Enjoying the simple things in life. Enjoying the flowers, the clouds, the butterflies, smiling children, new-born babies. Singing and dancing like I used to when I was a kid. Stamp in the puddles and get dirty clothes. Walk bare feet, where my toenails get so dirty it takes weeks for them to get clean. These are all for free. So is laughter.

Just think about it. So many people have regrets on their deathbeds. Wishing they had loved more, laughed more, danced more. They above all would have loved to spend more time with their loved ones. Instead, they were busy with earning money to buy stuff and experiences they thought would make them and their families happy. Because that’s how they’ve been conditioned and that conditioning is kept alive by the media. And in the meantime, all that family wanted was for them to be home more often, to spend quality time together. Connection, that is what it is all about. Connection to self, to nature, to other people, to life itself. The lack of connection and love is the only lack we have to deal with as humans. This lack that is causing us to flee in outer satisfaction, creating religious fanatics and spiritual bypassing. This lack that is causing us to harm each other in terrible ways. This lack that has created #metoo, the rise of so many criminals (including politicians and big corporate leaders), that is the cause of narcissism. This lack that is masked by a feeling of lack in other areas, including money and abundance.

I know for myself I still have a lot to heal on the connection part, especially the connection to my fellow species, but I am making a start. On to a sustainable, harmonious, loving, connected life.

Much love,