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Patience please, I’m creating a dream….


“Imagine everywhere was free to roam

Imagine if the trees could tell us where to go

Imagine that the sun could fill each lonely heart

Imagine confrontation never got a start

Imagine things will were always crystal clear

Imagine if the mind never interfered

Imagine we could fly with broken wings

Imagine if the heart could shed its skin

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Imagine sacred sites were left to be

Imagine if true activists controlled tv

Imagine captain Watson had the final say

Imagine if industry just had to obey

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream

Please, patience please, patience please, I’m creating a dream”

Xavier Rudd

This song is from Spirit Bird, a cd by Xavier Rudd, an amazing cd, with amazing songs. Not just Follow the Sun that has become so popular.

I had been writing a blog on sustainability, but every time I went back to writing it, I felt there was something off. And then somebody shared something on Facebook about (self-)righteousness. And that was it. It was judgmental. I am rewriting it now, with just the things I have done for myself and plan to do in the (near) future to live an even more sustainable life.

You see, I have but one passion, one true passion, and that is nature. In all its glory. Nature to me is the planet, the earth, the rivers, the winds, the trees, the plants, the animals, everything. Even humans, as we too are nature, but they are not my priority. There are enough people out there that have people as a priority.

Being human is probably my biggest struggle in life, I guess it’s what I came here to learn. To be human. To experience the human form, the human thinking, the human feeling. And it’s not easy. I love the pure, authentic simplicity of the natural world. And somehow, I haven’t found that in the human world. Well maybe here and there, but not in general.

I am a dreamer, and I am not the only one. Another great song, by another dreamer. But right now, I am on a mission to get those dreams come true. I cannot do it for the whole of humanity, but I can do it for myself, and maybe by doing this without judging or feeling (self-)righteous, I can inspire others. To wake up just a little. To be more conscious just a little. Every step is a step, no matter how big or small. And I truly feel that once the process of waking up has begun (and it has) it will at one point tip the scale. It will become “contagious”. Humans will start to realise what really matters. That it is not money, status, material wealth and growth, but love, experience, inner growth, connection.

For me, that will start with coming home to myself. The next step on this journey is travelling to a country (known as the UK) that will help me in this process, as the land there feels so familiar. With my dog Cheyenne, who is on a similar soul journey. We are kindred spirits. And I feel we have spent many lives together, not just in this dimension.

With everything I do, I decide, I think about the impact it will have on the planet, on the animals, the climate. I feel I need to leave this vessel with nothing, just as I came in. Well, nothing in the material sense of the word. But filled with experiences and lessons. I truly want to live a humbler life, not own anything anymore, or not much.

I not so long ago had a discussion with someone about money, and at one point she asked, so you think money corrupts? And I said yes. Because I see this happening all the time. The need for more, more money, more stuff. I feel it corrupts. Maybe not always in big ways, but I have seen many people throw their ideas and values overboard once they had the opportunity to earn more money or gain more status. Sure, not every time, but still. It truly requires a different mindset, not just on a personal level, but on the level of the whole of humanity, that acquiring money and status are not the meaning of life.

I remember when working with business coaches on my “money blocks” them stating money follows joy. I find that hard to swallow, seeing how much money people have that get this through exploiting others, children, animals, nature, the planet. If they have joy in doing that, it would mean even more reason for me to pull back from society and live a humble life. With only enough money to “survive”.

Something else I have been doing lately is diving into what truly brings me joy, and yes, I do need some money for that, as this society still is based on money as means of exchange, but they are fairly simple. Nature brings me joy. The animals bring me joy. Travelling brings me joy (but not in the fast lane). Meditating brings me joy. Music brings me joy. Healthy foods bring me joy. Dancing brings me joy. Singing brings me joy. Deep, meaningful conversations bring me joy. As you see, not much in there that requires that much money.

The one thing that I did encounter though that costs a lot of money and is filled with so many rules and regulations is housing. And the costs that come with that. Especially on this part I am so lost about what I want.

And so, yes, I will be travelling for a while. And yes, to the UK, as I always feel more at ease there, more inspired, more at home if you will. And being away from certain responsibilities and influences to help me get a clear head. To rediscover who I truly am behind all those roles I have played thus far. Who am I if I am not a wife, daughter, sister, friend, caretaker. And other parts that I have taken on now and in the past.

I do have visions, I have had these visions for many years. Of me living in a simple home, in the forest, with lakes nearby, with animals and a small vegetable garden. Where I can watch the sun come up and set again. Dance in the rain. And enjoy life with just being. With some reading. With writing. Maybe that is all I need.

How to get there without money or a steady income, that is something I hope to get some guidance on during my trip. Maybe it will be writing, and nothing more than that. During the trip, I also plan to do a pilgrimage, where I am really on my own for a few days, just with Cheyenne-dog. To come home to me most of all.

Because I do know what I don’t like and don’t want anymore. Things I have tried, things others said I would be good at. Following other people’s rules, societies rules. No more, I am going to follow my inner compass from now on. Because I have experienced what feeling good feels like, and they were often when I followed my own rules.

I am not a salesperson, I am not a coach, I am not a traditional teacher. I don’t like selling, I don’t like to point people to their pain. I am tired of people not taking responsibilities and just waiting for someone to fix it all for them. Whether that’s a therapist, a coach, a doctor, a partner, a family member, a friend, a pet even. Who keep shopping around and not ever really do the work. I am tired of people pointing fingers at others when it comes to the environment, the planet, pollution. We all play our part in that, including me. I am still not at the point where I want to be in taking my responsibilities for the planet. I am done with working on my blocks and limiting beliefs, dealing with my past and more. It is all there, I can’t change that, I can’t rewrite the outcome. I don’t want to blame my past for who I am today. I don’t want to blame anyone from my past for who I am today. Only I can determine who I am today. I don’t want people saying to me that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want to grow in my business, have more clients, money or possessions. They really don’t know or understand me if they do. I don’t want to have a conventional relationship anymore, I above all want my freedom and simplicity. No more expectations, no more should do’s or should be’s.

So, you see, I am already pretty clear on what I want and don’t want, but how to get there, that is the challenge.

Yes, there is fear, there is anxiety on taking these steps. Steps towards a world that is so different from what I grew up in. A world that is so alien to so many. But I feel I have to. Creating a new paradigm takes courage. And steps into the unknown. And connecting to like-minded spirits. No more following of false guru’s, the so-called spiritual people that basically have inflated egos. Not a power based connection, but equality and respect.

So, here I go, towards an external life that is more in alignment with my internal world. No more faking it. Ready to walk my talk and be one with nature again. So maybe a better title of this blog is Patience please, I’m realising a dream…..

And I am truly grateful for those who make it possible for me to do this, thank you. You know who you are.




It’s Alive!


Well, actually, She is alive.

I am talking about this amazingly beautiful, wonderful, abundant planet we are honoured to live on. She that we call Earth. That I call Mother Earth.

She who is always there for us, no matter what we throw at her.

How many of you see the planet as a living, breathing being? I do.

Her time differs from ours though, and what is a day to us is probably many hundreds or even thousands of years in her experience. Just as an animal that has a short lifespan in our eyes just as much experiences a whole lifetime.

I love her, I am in love with everything she offers me. Life. So much beauty. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Oh wait, there IS no life as we experience it without her.

I often feel her pain, her worries. I wonder how she sees us. Yesterday I wondered if maybe we are just a nasty bug, that she can’t seem to get rid of.

It actually isn’t that weird to think of us as a bug. As a virus. That is spreading throughout her body, affecting her organs, invading her cells, like parasites using up all she is.

Maybe we were once an innocent little virus that co-existed with her perfectly, and every time her immune system was affected we got out of control. But, every time she could contain us spreading like crazy. Maybe we are like the kind of virus that normally is present in a body, but doesn’t do much harm until the body is compromised by something else.

She had a similar virus once before and had to get help from outside to get rid of that one. Only a small part of that virus stayed behind, pretty harmless living in harmony with her.

We think Earth is pretty old, but I don’t feel she is that old. She’s probably in her thirties by now. And she has been getting stronger over the years, but this virus, wow, it’s a nasty one. This virus mutates fast and finds ways to fight of her defence system.

So she is developing a fever now, with a cold fit every now and then, and shivering, shaking, breathing heavily. Maybe that will get rid of the virus.

And the other nasty thing about this virus is that it is affecting her natural and healthy flora and fauna. Already some members have been lost. Her whole system is off balance now.

This virus, called Homo sapiens, is a weird one. Because part of this virus isn’t that bad and is actually trying to help her. But that is still a small percentage and they don’t or slowly multiply. The biggest percentage is actually multiplying like mad! And mutating so fast, she can’t keep up with looking at new ways to control the virus.

She is thinking of asking for outside help again. Maybe her partner, Father Sun can be of assistance. Maybe he can throw some fire down. But, that would also affect the healthy flora and fauna. On the other hand, she survived the other times too. She recovered and came out stronger.

She knows one day her life will come to an end, as does everything. She will be absorbed by Father Sun, and together they will return to Source. They will become Stardust once more, only to be reborn from that at one point. To create a new family.

But she is not ready to die just yet. So, she will keep huffing and puffing and is giving all she can. And she has asked Source to help that small percentage of the virus that mutated into a benign form to become stronger. To help them become part of her defence system. She hopes that this will be enough and that she will not have to take more extreme measures.

Just some random thoughts I had on a Monday night. Or are they just thoughts?




!!!! Warning: if you are the type that only wants to read pink fluffy happy go lucky positive posts, you’d better not read on. This is the opposite of that. !!!!

The last few days I felt so much anger. I was angry at everything and everyone, including myself.

Anger is one of the emotions we would rather not have, but I know by now that when I feel this level of anger I am ready to make a shift, to take real action instead of waiting on others or the “right time”.

A few things triggered me and brought up the anger that had been building up for some time now. I tried to meditate it away, I disconnected from others again. Just being “business-like” and not communicating more than necessary.

The downside is that I usually redirect my anger towards either hurting myself in some way, physically or emotionally, or I start slamming doors and smashing stuff, and in this scaring the pets.

And we now have two very sensitive dogs, that notice what is happening even before I am fully aware of it. Is it one of the reasons they are hardly eating? Who knows.

It doesn’t mean I am angry 24/7, but little things can trigger me, things that would normally not have been such a big issue. And I just blow up.

Most people that know me see me as this gentle, loving and caring person, but this is also a side of me. And usually a sign that I have been holding back for far too long and have let people cross my boundaries repeatedly.

I am most angry with myself for letting it all come this far again. It’s a difficult life lesson for me, apparently.

I am angry with myself for not being content with the life I had. That I had to stir things up, want to move, get a divorce and live my dreams. Why can’t I be like others, just not caring about the environment and the animals, and just live out my life?

But I can’t. Ever since I was a child I had this great love for every living thing. I think humans were included at that time, but I am not sure. Part of me has always been an earth-warrior, but over the years I became an earth-worrier.

The earth, the animals, nature, they are my passion, my reason for living. I never had the need for a normal life, or to have children. I wanted to mean something, do something to help the animals and the planet. I started donating to Greenpeace when I got my first own money. Just last year I cancelled my membership, as my membership to most charities, as I no longer see their use. Things have only gotten worse over the years. And people, well most of them, just don’t seem to care.

They continue to use and abuse the planet and the animals. And each other. And they can be so hypocrite it baffles me every time. Signing petitions against dog meat, only to fire up the barbecue and eat lots of other meat. Or donating to some charity for child abuse and poverty, but buying fast fashion that is made by small children under terrible circumstances. Claiming they want to change the world, make it a better place. Like Michael Jackson said, for you and for me and the entire human race. But what about the planet? Nature? The animals? The environment? People are unbelievably selfish.

Someone told me once that people only start caring about this when they are happy themselves. I couldn’t believe hearing this. Am I not people then? In every decision I make in my life, I consider the impact it has on the planet, the animals, the environment, even other people. It can be done simultaneously, I am proof of it.

But the connection is lost. When I look around me, in the community I live in, when I am travelling, when I am out in nature. People are disconnected. From nature, from other, from themselves. They are giving in to addictions, to distractions to not have to deal with life.

Some addictions are pretty obvious, like drugs, gambling and alcohol, but there are so many more not so obvious ones, like sugars and eating, gambling, medicine, money, shopping, tv, gaming, social media, sex. Probably many more. And then they think it’s strange they get sick and want the medical world to solve it for them. With pills and operations. With coaching and therapy. More and more. Not going inside, only looking for outside solutions. That even have a huge negative effect on animals and the environment!

I’ve never been very sensitive to addictions myself. I did smoke, but one day just quit. I drank some alcohol but never got addicted. I want to experience it all to the max. I even didn’t take anti-depressants when my psychologist advised me to. I only used chemical medicine when I was young, and if nothing natural helped. The last few years I can’t even remember taking a paracetamol. The last flu I had I didn’t take any regular medication.

I’ve been trying to be a messenger on all of this for years, pointing people towards what was going on, giving them messages from the natural world, but it sometimes seems so hopeless. As long as I am in my own world, I can handle things, I feel hope and optimism. But every time I step into society as it is today, I return being depressed and wanting to give up on everything. If even the people closest to me don’t see the need to change, I must be doing it all wrong. So I just want to hide in a cottage somewhere in the woods with my dog and live out my life. I admire people like Jane Goodall and David Attenborough for staying so optimistic. It is hard for me.

The triggers for my anger lately have been numerous. The consumerism by people. The shallow fakeness on social media. The hypocrisy around the Oostvaardersplassen. Politics, especially a certain president on the other side of the world. The move and the divorce, and my almost ex not taking any kind of action towards dealing with things. Everything concerning my mother, and how we deal with life, disease and death. How so little people take responsibilities for their own lives and choices and only know how to point fingers and expect others to solve/fix it for them. Dog-nappers and how they use these animals as bait for dog fighting. Racism. Homophobia. The plastic pollution. And realising we are just modern slaves. Slaves to the system. Slave to consumerism. Modern-day keeping people happy with bread and games. Distracting them from what’s really going on, distracting them from thinking for themselves. The white crisp chocolate bar that my husband bought says on the wrapping: everyday happiness. It really does. I couldn’t believe seeing that. That is what he believes makes him happy. Or they make him believe makes him happy. Sweets, tv and superhero movies. And competitive sports. And complaining. And it’s not just him. I have to get out of here!

Even my quest on trying to find a more meaningful life in harmony with nature is bringing up anger. False freedom. I am not allowed to live, go, and be where I want. Not even who I want. Even getting a divorce is filled with rules and regulations. It’s driving me crazy. I don’t want anything out of this, I just want my freedom and live the way I want to.

Last year I’ve been decluttering like crazy (and still have too much stuff) and realised how little we actually need. It’s just been conditioned that we all need this stuff. I don’t want to possess anything anymore. It is on loan from the planet anyway. Nothing’s really mine. I get angry with people that are saying it’s my house (which bank?), my land (wow, from who did you or a previous “landowner” steal it in the first place?), my country (wahahahaha, really), my people (puke). When you really think about it, nothing is ours. Not even our lives.

I started to realise EVERYTHING is conditioned. Our belief systems. Our education. Our health. The way we look at relationships. It’s all a big illusion.

I also started to get angry with this whole positive thinking manifestation movement. If you can’t do it, then there is something wrong with you. What? Wait a minute? Nothing is wrong with me! What if my path or lessons in life are just different? What if, for instance, my biggest lesson in life is how to deal with my anger? What if that is my past life stuff to work through this lifetime?

I started to get angry with all these coaches and therapists out there. Even the so-called spiritual ones. Every time I posted something, at least one person would reply with the limiting belief/blocks thing. I have come to the conclusion that everyone has them, so they really don’t exist, do they? It’s just conditioning and can be unlearned. But stop bashing me with the limiting belief/blocks crap.

I came down from my spiritual is better cloud. It is not. It is just the same, they just name things differently. There is a lot of ego in the spiritual world. And ego is part of all of us, but if ego takes over…brrrr….. Maybe it’s even worse when the cloak of spirituality is put over it.

I started to get triggered by the whole growth and money-loving stuff. That if you don’t do that you don’t think you’re worth it. What? Wait a minute. So, my self-worth is linked to material growth and financial wealth? No way. My self-worth is way more and better than that. And I can’t believe that they don’t realise the message they are giving with this. That you are not worth anything if you are not able to grow in a material or monetary way. No way. My growth lies somewhere else. And money is just a tool. Stop focusing on money! Enough. Only (modern) people use money. No other animal does. Indigenous tribes don’t. They say money is energy, well, then I want to change the energy around money. But not in the way they want.

And the animals. Oh, I so admire them. They still believe in humans. I wish I had their positive attitude, I really do. They are even willing to sacrifice themselves to help us grow (and no, not material/financial growth!). But everything we do to them, it hurts my soul, my very essence. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit on parties and other events where meat is served freely, as if this was the only thing people eat. I keep seeing the animals that had to suffer for it. With every piece of meat I see on a plate. Or fish. Or other animals. I just can’t do it anymore. Please don’t invite me anymore. If you can still eat meat without your conscience acting up, go ahead, but don’t force it on me anymore. I am done.

And all this “fashion” in animals, especially cats and dogs. How they are bread to look certain ways. Not realising what it does to their health. And if they are not perfect, they will hear it the rest of their lives. Imagine what this does to the poor animal. I know, I’ve heard I wasn’t wanted most of my life, so I know how much this hurts. Just love them for who they are, not how they look, or how good they are at something.

The same goes for humans of course. Just love each other for who you are, not for how you look, what you do. Stop trying to live up to those horrible standards. Stop thinking you are only beautiful when you wear makeup, wear that specific brand of clothing. Or that you are only worth something if you are in a relationship. Especially women. Think of the message you give to your daughters.

I could go on and on about the things that bother me, trigger me, make me aggressive.

I am most of all angry with myself, for never speaking up. For always staying when I feel I want to walk away because I don’t feel at ease. For letting everybody think I am this easy going loving and caring person, whilst underneath a volcano is about to explode. For not daring to say to people that I don’t really want them as a friend, because I am afraid of hurting their feelings. But in this, I am hurting myself. For not saying to them that we actually aren’t a good match, regarding core-values and beliefs. I even held on in my marriage for way too long. Even when we grew apart further and further.

He says I have changed. Well, I actually haven’t. I’ve just returned to myself again, and my core beliefs and values. And he is not a match in that. And that is perfectly fine. Time to move on.

I am angry with myself for not daring to speak up and out to teachers, coaches and more. How many times I’ve redirected my frustrations on this to hurting myself, or smashing stuff. Easy going and tolerant. Yeah right. I have very strong opinions, I just stopped sharing them at one point. Probably in my teens, when I for some reason wanted to fit in. Or someone said I should think before I speak. What was I thinking? No more of that.

I am changing. I feel the need to change. To no longer hold back. To just act in the moment, and let it out. To not let it go this far again. No wonder my liver and gallbladder are my most sensitive organs. All this unspoken anger and frustration. Time for change.

I am enough. I am a wonderful, beautiful, magnificent being. I am one with nature. I am one with Source. I am larger than life. I am just as I am supposed to be.

Much love? Yes, still much love,



To be or not to be?


We all know this famous quote. Or don’t we?

I’ve been a bit of a philosopher all my life, always wanting to know the deeper meaning of things. Of life. Or existence. Is any of it real? Or is it all illusion? When we are sleeping, is that the real world? Or is it when we are awake? Are there other dimensions? Is there other life out there in space?

On the one hand I was this happy go lucky child that just loved life, but on the other hand, I could be very serious and be occupied by things that were way beyond me. And sometimes still are. I am at a point in my life where I don’t feel the need to know anymore, because part of me just knows.

But am I? Or am I not?

If you read my mind musings regularly or follow me on Facebook, you must know my biggest passion in this life is animals and nature, our amazing planet.

I get nature. I get animals. They are pure, they are simple. They are real. Yes, nature can be cruel in our eyes, but it is always fair. There is no senseless killing, and a lot of the more negative traits and emotions of humans are absent in nature. Or they have a real purpose.

So, I get nature. But I don’t understand humanity. I don’t even understand myself most of the time. What was I thinking signing up for this human experience?

I realise more and more that my lesson in this life is to just be. To accept. All that is. Accept myself. Accept my path. Accept my truths.

And I know I can be. Just be. Not be someone or something. Not be defined by any kind of label. In fact, I am happiest when I just am.

When I am in nature. When I am with animals. When I am traveling. When I am listening to music. When I sit in meditation.

I love and accept myself very much. When I am alone. The moment other humans enter my space, I start worrying if I am enough, if I do enough, if I love enough. Am I wearing the right clothes, I hope I don’t smell bad, are my teeth clean. What will they think of my boring hairstyle, and no makeup? And those clothes, come on. What if they start asking me what I do. What I have achieved. I can’t say that I just am, right? I should do something to be someone. Or have some sort of material or monetary status. I can’t say I want a humble life, in harmony with the planet. No, I have to dream big, I have to have goals.

But I do have them, dreams and goals. They are just not the same as for many others. My big dream is that humble life, in harmony with nature. My goal is to live a life where I can do with little or no possessions, little or no money (or a different kind of system, sharing for instance…), and above all not hurt this beautiful planet and the life on it. Yes, that includes humans. My goal is to live a free and independent life, to escape the modern-day slavery and addictions. To escape stuff and overconsuming.

I don’t like socializing that much anyway, because it is not easy for me, it never was. It is partly because I am sensitive and pick up anything that is off, even if I am not able to pinpoint what exactly is off. I sense that there are things unspoken, or people acting as if. I sense if there have been arguments, if there has been gossiping. Again, often I can’t pinpoint it, but it does make me want to turn around and leave. But most of the time I stay. And end up being drained, and off balance for days.

I then need to return to my alone-time, nature, animals. To make sense of it all again. To feel harmony. And I pick myself up again, just until the next contact with other humans.

It’s not always this way, sometimes I run into likeminded souls, my soul tribe, but I often feel that tribe is not that big. It’s one of the reasons I do love the internet. I can connect with them worldwide and not feel so alone in my quest on waking people up. But I have a love-hate relationship with social media. On the one hand, it allows me to connect with those souls, and I can try to create some awareness around animals and nature. And how important it is to take good care of the planet, our beautiful abundant home. But the other part of social media is the same for me as socializing in real life. I sense something is off. And that part wants me to get away from social media. Or the mostly negative news I try to avoid by not watching the news or reading newspapers finds its way into my life anyway.

So, I pull back again. And just want to be. Not doing anything. Just being.

Today I felt like it all was hopeless. My dreams and goals are impossible in this lifetime. I can’t avoid all this fakeness and negativity.

I am not naïve, I know about the dark sides of life and embracing every emotion. But the freedom to just be? It often feels like I was born at the wrong time. Because I do have visions of a different world. Is it a possible future? Is it a parallel dimension? Is it my imagination? I don’t know. They seem very real and vivid, these visions. However, they are miles off from how our society is now.

It is a time for standing up and telling our truth, but what does that mean exactly? I have loads of unfinished blogs about my values and how I think we should all live a sustainable life. So that the planet and the animals, and we, survive. And thrive. But I am hesitant on finishing or publishing them. Because I feel they might be judgmental and hurtful to some people. Although I don’t write things like that with certain people in mind, it’s more the principle I want to share, I do know some might feel hurt by them. On the other hand, what if they don’t realise what their behaviour causes to the environment, the animals, the planet, and even other people.

So, I don’t publish them. To not get judged. Or to not hurt people.

And I return to just being again. Letting it all go. Literally.

It’s time to focus on my own life right now, and getting it on track of my soul’s path. To finish my book, and get it published. To write all those other books that are inside of me. And maybe have the courage to finish those blogs and publish them.

And above all, just be. Just be.

Maybe you should try to just be some time, it is an amazing feeling.


The Sounds of Silence?


Nature is my church. This is my truth. When I am deprived of nature for too long, I get anxious and depressed. I always wondered why. I am not a person that is bothered by addictions, except this one.

Many say nature is everywhere, and whilst that is certainly true, we ourselves are nature after all, being in nature is something else for me. It goes beyond.

It is the silence I miss. It is the kind of silence that resonates with my soul.

But nature is full of sounds I hear you think. Yes, it is. And maybe silence isn’t the right word, maybe stillness is a better word.

Those of you who have been following my story the last few years know that I have been looking for clarity, for a purpose.

Last year I decided to get rid of all the outer clutter, literally and figuratively, to get this clarity from within. I let go of coaches, mentors, therapists. And I also let go of stuff, a lot of stuff. I even ended up letting go of my marriage, and some relationships.

It feels like going back to basics. Getting rid of everything I have taken on over the years. Back to who I truly am. Behind all the masks and roles.

Writing my book, which turns out to be a real-life changer, has already helped me get clarity. On how I lost myself along the way. On how I started living my life for everyone but me.

Part of this inner path is also to rekindle my inner flame and find what brings me joy. What I truly love in life.

Nature is, and always has been, the most important source of inspiration to me. I am in love with nature, our beautiful planet, the animals, the plants. This is what most of all stirs my feelings and emotions.

And to some extent, I am also falling in love with myself again, and part of humanity. It is the animals, never giving up on us, that inspire me to do this. With everything we are doing to them and the planet, our amazing home, they still love us and want us to thrive.

Something else that brings me joy is music. Especially classical music.

Last week I was out in nature, well as good as it gets where I live right now anyway, and suddenly it struck me. The common thread in my life. What I seek most of all. It’s harmony.

When I am out in nature, everything makes sense. All the sounds, the noises, the smells. They are meant to be there. When I am in areas occupied by humans, I get a sensory overload. Noises, smells, energies. And because I pick up so much, I also pick up on all the inner noise and clutter. Nature is harmony, it is like a symphony to me. When I am out in nature, I often hear classical music in my mind.

The sounds of the birds, the whispers of the trees, the low rumbling of the earth, the sighs of the winds, the chime-like sounds of the water. It’s all in tune, in harmony. It’s real. It’s true. There are no masks, no roles, no hidden agendas. The communication is clear and honest.

The human world is not in harmony, at least not to me. There are too many voices, thoughts, opinions, judgements. Humans say this but think that. Humans smile at me, but judge the way I look. I know, I do it too. That’s the worst part of it. In nature, I don’t do this. I am fully me. I feel safe enough to be me. I feel safe enough to just be.

When I needed to get out not so long ago, I just went and took a ride on the train, just being for a while. But everyone around me was doing. And not in (real) connection to each other, not in connection with nature. They were busy on their phones, reading newspapers, working on their laptops, talking about how hard life is. What if we could just be together on the train. In stillness. It wouldn’t be silent, but it would be still.

The connection between the human world and the natural world is off. We are filled with clutter, there is too much noise on the line. We are always busy. Doing things. Nature allows me to just be. When I just am in the human world I feel pressure, judgment. She is lazy, she is weird, she should just follow the rules.

No more. No more. I am no longer doing this. I will allow myself to fully be. Who I am. No more should do, should be. Just me. Like the trees that embrace me. The animals that accept me.

The human world needs cleaning, clearing. Clearing of clutter. Of old ways. Of conditioning. Everything is conditioned. When I stepped back and started to think for myself, I saw the illusions of the human world. I saw the stories we tell ourselves, that we are told. How we are slaves to the systems, and we think the lives we lead are how it is supposed to be. That’s just the way it works, how society works. These lines no longer work for me. If you are not happy, change. Change within, be the change. Don’t wait until someone else changes it for you.

It’s funny how we no longer live up to our own words. When you meet someone you, for whatever reason, are attracted to, you just want to BE with them. But we no longer know how to BE with someone. We only know how to DO. I’ve tried this. Asked people to join me on nature walks and just be. No talking. Just being. Be part of nature. Observe. Feel. Nothing more. No goals, no learning, no judgments. Just feeling one with all. I still haven’t been on a walk with someone who was able to do this. They say it’s human nature. The need for learning, growth, exploring. That may be true, but we have taken this way too far. It has caused us to not be able to be anymore. Just be. We are human BEings, not human DOings, think about that.

I didn’t know how to be. For a long time. As children, we do know. How to just be. I could sit with the ants for hours and just watch them. No goal. Just be. Let my mind wander. As a child, I was very creative. I sang, I danced, I made drawings. Because I could just be and let my mind wander. Because I could just feel. This is coming back. But I only feel like this in nature, with music. When there is harmony. When everything is a symphony.

It is not silence. It is stillness. The ability to just be.

Everything I’ve explored so far has been about doing. Achieving. Setting goals. What if the purpose of life is to just be. Nothing more, nothing less. Still our minds and enjoy. Create harmony. Join in on the symphony of life. I see so many on a constant quest, and not many finding what they are looking for. I am the happiest when I am in nature, with animals, listening to music. I can be happy being with myself. I can be happy being with a friend. I am not happy in a crowd. I am not happy when there is sensory or chemical overload. I am accepting all of this.

I am exploring ways to lead a simple life, where I can most of all spend my time with just being. Being in harmony with myself, with the natural world, and maybe one day with the human world. But I am no longer forcing myself to do that last one. No more pushing. No more gathering outside knowledge. No more people telling me what I should do, how I should behave, no more labels. Just being myself.

I feel my purpose lies in the written word. And maybe learn people how to be (it involves a lot of unlearning!). And even in this, no pushing. Just letting it all be born from a place of stillness, a place of harmony. No more deadlines. No more goal setting. No more pressure of being the best, no more competition. No more material or financial growth. Just harmony. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.



Hollow and empty


There I was. Walking through the empty house. The house we lived in for about fourteen years. The house we had beautiful experiences, the house where we had to say goodbye to beloved pets and welcomed in new ones. The house where we got married in. The house that served us on this part of our journey together.

I felt warm tears falling down my face. It had been a very intense week. Moving into a new, temporary home. The flu taking hold of my system. Everything around my mother. Like the house, I felt empty and hollow. What now? What would my next steps be?

I felt how tired I really was. I knew that I probably needed a few days to just rest and get myself together.

But I couldn’t. The flu wouldn’t let me rest. This “new” place feels off. Our relationship very awkward. No-man’s-land. That’s how I feel. I feel numb. Emotionless. Or I don’t know what or how to feel.

I can’t take the next steps in a practical way, I don’t have money for those. We are waiting for things to finalise around our mortgage. Only then can we set in the divorce and I can see what is possible for me, and how long the money will last me.

And we don’t talk, we never really did. It is one of our problems, we don’t communicate. We can’t. We both never learned how to, and we end up blaming each other, making it into a competition of being right and wrong. Repeating the things we don’t like about each other over and over again. Never talking about the love that probably must have been there. The things we did like and appreciate about each other. We are just too different. In every possible way. And I? For the sake of peace and quiet, I sacrificed a lot of my dreams and hopes. No conflict. I’ve seen enough of that, no more arguing or conflict.

The visit with my mother to the hospital also brought up a lot of old pain and grief. For me and my sister. And how our lives had become about taking care of her and others. Everyone but ourselves. Our mother, our partners, children, pets, friends, colleagues. We both felt lost.

I feel lost. I don’t know what to do, where to go. Everybody around me tells me to take my time, take some rest, get clarity. But I can’t. Not in this situation.

People are giving me tips for living options. Like workaround, house- and pet sitting. All great ideas, but the biggest problem with these is that I still will be taking care of others, other things. And I am so tired of doing that. That stupid feeling of responsibility for everything, everyone, the planet, the environment. Everything and everyone but myself.

So, I really need a way of living where I choose me. Totally me. Without feeling guilty or selfish. Without feeling I am not worthy of that.

Walking through that empty house, so symbolic. Failure. That I couldn’t make my marriage work. That I can’t think and be “like others”. That I want something different. That I want to be part of a change, a movement that will change the system. Because I no longer conform to the system. The way our society is built.

I felt like a failure in my business. It never brought me what I hoped it would. Freedom, being of real influence, making a difference.

Freedom, what is that. Free of relationships, free of stuff, free of responsibilities. Free of fears of judgment from others.

Desires, yes, I have them. Just as others, but not as others. My dreams and wishes are far from average. My dreams are not for a big house or a lot of money. In fact, my dreams are not very material at all. They are much more about experiencing. The stuff, the money, they all keep me a prisoner of the system.

Freedom, I really don’t live in freedom. I just think I do. Modern slave to the system. Yes, more freedom than in other countries, but it’s a false sense of freedom. I am not free.

I want to explore different ways of living, of being. But the rules and regulations don’t make it easy.

Money, the other thing that keeps me prisoner. And manifesting. Thinking positive and in infinite possibilities. What I want to manifest is very different, not at all about a lot of money or possessions. I want to manifest other things. Peace. A healthy relationship with the planet. People really connecting with each other. A new system. A different economy.

I want to be able to freely speak my mind, sing and dance, wear what I want, eat what I want, without all those bloody opinions from others. I just want to be left alone in that sense.

Lost, empty, hollow. I am letting it all be there, I just hope that at one point I will start feeling a sense of hope and direction again. I need to be here, this is the ultimate reset. Stripped of everything I once felt was important. To be able to really find out what makes my heart sing.

As I sat there in that empty house, I wondered if I would miss anything. I knew I wouldn’t, I am not that attached to houses and things. Not even to people. And then I looked at the garden, and I realised I would miss the birds, the bumblebees, the frogs and salamanders, the dragonflies. I would miss the hawthorn in bloom, the baby birds in spring. I would miss the swifts announcing spring had really started, and summer was around the corner. I would miss the pair of swans that found each other because of me. I would miss the feelings of hope and love I felt living here. The celebrations and the goodbyes. The first pears and apples from the garden. And how I did try. I tried so hard to make it all work. My marriage, my friendships, to fit into the local community.

I wonder if I ever will have a feeling or sense of belonging. I probably need to feel a sense of belonging to myself first of all. I do love nature, I do feel that connection, every time I set foot in a forest. Every time I connect to a tree or an animal. And as long as I don’t feel that connection to myself, I will probably never be able to truly connect with my own species.

Time to find my inner sun again.


Speaking my truths


Or rather in my case, writing it!

I have so many unfinished blogs right now, all started them when I felt inspired, but when I started writing them, doubt entered my system and didn’t finish them.

Why didn’t I finish them? Because they are about things that can bring up much discussion (money, relationships, religion, animal rights, economy). I even started one with a disclaimer, that these are my thoughts and ideas, my visions. They are my current truths, they are not THE truth.

But, all I hope to achieve with my writing, about anything really, is to inspire, maybe wake up some of those cells in your body, get you thinking and feeling. See things from a different perspective.

But, I have been conditioned not to speak up (or write about it). Not speaking my truth. Because it is too judgmental, and I could hurt other people’s feelings.

So, I backed down. In writing and sharing what I felt I needed to share. I felt called to share.

But when I think about the blogs I love to read myself, I really like the ones that trigger me. That gets me thinking. That shake up what I considered to be “true”. That makes me look at things in a different way. Make me feel a little uncomfortable. Because then I know it has hit a nerve with me. They are pushing me out of my comfort zone.

Or a blog that tears me up, or makes me smile. Everything that wakes up any kind of feeling or thought within me.

It’s so easy to write sugar coated blogs, that everyone can relate to, and just keeps nodding too. But do they really make an impact? Do they create change? I think not.

It’s those that dare to write (or speak!) in a little more provocative way that are the changemakers. They are the ones that make people see certain things in a different light, shake up your system. They are the ones that get you out of your status quo.

And then, real change can start happening. It can spread like wildfire. Much like Oprah’s speech at the Golden Globes. Much like anything Trump says. Really, you may not like him, or you might, but he does create change, one way or the other. He is waking a lot of people up.

When I get reactions to what I write, or say, I often take it personal. Or should I start writing this in the past tense? I used to take it personal. Because, like many others, I above all want to be liked and loved. We are social beings and want to belong.

But, to be honest, the real changemakers? You either love them or hate them, there is not something like oh they are ok. Will you remember their blog, book or speech in a day? A month? A year? Probably not.

I’ve tried to fit in and be average for a long time. So afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, of getting judged (and hurt) myself.

You see, most of the time when I write about something, I don’t think of anyone in particular. It’s more the situation I have an opinion about, life, the system. It’s those that I want to address. That I feel need change.

I know I have some radical ideas and visions, and I have been holding back with those for so long, being afraid of rejection and found crazy. Maybe some past life stuff is also stuck in there. Speaking up against the established order, the people in power, often got you killed. It’s not that long ago, and it still happens in some parts of the world.

But, when we keep silent, especially those who have different ideas about life, like me, nothing will ever change. And no matter what is of interest to you, personal, people, animals, environment, politics, I think we do agree something needs to change on many levels. I no longer want to be silent. It’s like there is something about to explode within, these words and feelings have been piling up, and the volcano is about to explode.

I know I am not a scientist, I am not an expert on anything really. The things that I want,  no need, to share, just come to me. When I am in silence, when I am in observing mode.

I am however a brilliant and creative thinker, an amazing feeler and observer. I have a strong connection to the natural world and worlds not visible to the naked eye. I do feel I “know” stuff, that I hold visions.

When I see discussions online, or in real life, two parties just defending their “truths” and nobody jumping in to give an alternative I often feel like jumping in. I do believe this “fighting” and being very disrespectful to others in discussion, comes from our condition that everything should be a competition and you have to fight for everything. But that’s for another blog. Again, I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist of any kind. I don’t have any special degrees. But I do know how to observe, how not to react, and form my own opinion, and get epiphanies out of nowhere. Maybe it is because I don’t follow the rules, I never have. Maybe it is because I am brave enough to explore other options (soon also executing lots of those in real life!). I don’t know. It doesn’t need a reason or explanation really. It is just something I feel I need to do.

It is about time I start sharing my truths, my ideas, my opinions. And be perfectly ok with sharing them. And not take any comment on them personal.

So, more coming soon! Very soon ?

Much love,


The Reset Button


Taking a break!

Have you ever felt the urge to push a reset button? I never really have, until now.

It’s not that I am miserable, or totally unhappy, but with the upcoming divorce and everything around that, I feel I deep desire to take some time off. A time-out. A reset.

With everything I have done over the past few years, I discovered that I lived most of my life in service of others. Not always that obvious, but in every decision I made in my life, I always looked at how my actions would impact others. My husband, my family, my friends, my pets, the planet, the animals, the environment. Everyone, but me.

Now, this might seem like a very good and noble thing to do. But the thing is, I have lost myself in that process. I have truly forgotten who I really am. What brings me joy. What makes my heart sing. I don’t take real good care of myself, especially not physically, that needs to change.

So, I am pushing the reset button, and stepping away from everything. To find myself again, and what brings me joy and lights up my day. What makes it worth getting up for in the morning.

It’s not that I regret anything I have done so far, I don’t feel it like that. They were all lessons, steps to take me to where I am now.

I want to live a “free” life for a while, free of possessions, free of too many responsibilities, free of relationships, free of everything that I have always let get in the way of going deep within and following my own heart.

To still the outer voices, telling me what to do, telling me my ideas and dreams are not from this world, that I should “get real”. The outer voices that have always confused me, criticized me. Maybe those outer voices meant well, maybe there is self-interest involved. It doesn’t matter. I need to quiet the outer voices.

I need to find my passion, rekindle my fire. I know where I have felt most alive, and I want to find a way to get more of that into my life. Because that feeling is amazing and inspiring.

I don’t know how this will work out in a practical sense. Our society isn’t based on true freedom and is filled with rules and regulations. But, right now, I am thinking of taking some sort of sabbatical with the money that will come from the sale of the house. To really live a simple and humble life. Explore possible ways of living, communities that are in alignment with my values and beliefs. I’ve spent too many years with people that are other-minded. I would love to spend some time with true like-minded people. Philosophise about life, nature, the world, the new earth.

I am deeply in love with nature, the animals, Mother Nature. But I need to heal the relationship with myself, and I feel I need to do this mostly on my own. Only then will I be able to also have true love and compassion for my fellow humans, because that is the biggest challenge for me in this life.

I want to finish my book and start writing the other books that are inside of me. I want to spend more time in nature. I want to explore my existing friendships, are they true friendships? Will they still be there when I make radical changes?

I want to find out with how little I can get by. How I can still live a life of ease, without plundering the earth and her resources. I have never had the desire of living in a big house. I have never had the desire to live a luxurious life. My BIG dream, is to live in a tiny home, in or near nature, in harmony with the planet. My BIG dream is to create change, wake people up, make them aware of the consequences their lives and actions have on the planet, the animals, society.

I want to be able to share my ideas for a new way of living, but I want to first find out for myself what is possible in that. Walk my talk.

I want to share my thoughts on what I feel is going on in the world. My visions of the future. I want to be able to share them without being afraid of being judged.

I do want to travel, explore the world, get to meet new people, cultures. Talk to others, understand. See the animals in the wild. But I don’t want to harm the planet with my travels. So, I need to figure out how I can do that (with as little as flying as possible).

But, I also want to take long walks with my soul dog, Cheyenne. This is probably the hardest part for me, leaving the other pets behind. Anyone who knows me a little, also knows I am not very attached to people, places, things. But the pets. Oh…. That is really the most difficult thing for me.

I don’t want to end up thinking what if…. I want to explore every possibility that is out there for me.

I know I have a kind and gentle heart, even caring at times. But I can also be very harsh and judgmental. On myself, and others, on society. I often don’t speak up and out about this, because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings.

There is a lot of healing to be done within. I need to heal my inner child, my past lives, to really be able to shine again. Every now and then I feel this little flame waking up inside of me when I do or share something that I really love, but it stays a little flame. Or it is put out by circumstances. Or I let it be put out by others that want to keep me small.

So yes. I am taking a break from everything. Including my business. I even need to figure out if I want a business anymore. I know I don’t want a business in the “old” ways. And no matter what kind of fancy label everyone puts on it, most people put profit over purpose. Even I have with many of the things I created. And I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to do something just to make a living, I want that to be a side-effect.

After the move and divorce, I will probably temporarily rent a recreational home somewhere in nature, to figure everything out. To be truly on my own for a while.

Is writing my future? My true passion? What about my harp. Where does that fit in? Do I want to make music? Maybe my creativity will flow back once I am “free” from everything. Or maybe it is the piano, the instrument I’ve wanted to play ever since I was a child. Where and how do I want to live? In a community? An ecovillage? A tiny house? Will I get everything going for living in the UK? The land that always feels like home when I am there? Or will I explore some other places that have also always been calling to me? Maybe I will do some volunteer work with elephants, or other wildlife. And how about “romantic” relationships? Right now, everything I write down, every desire list, every vision I have is of me. There is no significant other there, apart from my dog. So many questions to explore and find answers to. Maybe I will come to the conclusion that nothing really matters, that living is the purpose of life. Who knows.

But I most of all know that I have to start taking action! No more lists, no more dreaming. Really get out there and explore what is possible.

The new earth is not here yet, but someone, somewhere, somehow has to start making the changes. Has to wake up and become aware of the illusions of life. Maybe I am one of those someones. And I just need to connect to those other someones that are also awake and aware, and brave enough to start making real changes.

Time to hit that button.

Much love,




On to a new life?


2017. The year I turned 48. A year of revelations and epiphanies.

I am allowing myself an online detox and reset week. To see where I am at, and what I need to do as next steps in my life. To review things that have passed. The lessons and gifts of the year.

I have never been good at expressing my feelings in real life. I don’t like drama, and I never really know how to express myself openly. Always afraid of judgments and opinions.

Writing in that sense is easier for me. It always has been.

So, when I realised that my married life was over, and had been for a while, I first wrote a blog. About losing the love of my life. Because this was basically a confession to myself, my husband and my marriage, I never actually published it. It was too personal.

But I did share the blog with my husband and that set things in motion. That was the moment we decided to end our 21-year path together and go our own way.

Easier said than done when your lives have been so tuned in to each other for so long. Much like deer’s antlers, they have become entangled in many ways.

But also, how everything started to get clear to me after this decision.

You see, we are not fighting, we are not narcissists, we didn’t cheat on each other, we don’t abuse each other. We just realised we wanted something different in life. From life.

My need for change, my restless soul, my passion for nature, the planet, the animals. These are not his needs.

Especially the past decade I have been on the road to finding myself again. Because I was lost. Very lost. After puberty, the loss of hope and dreams, the loss of family and ending my then long-term relationship had thrown me into a dark hole, where I questioned my very existence.

Right in that moment, I met him. And he came into my life at the right time. I think we both did for each other. He needed to break free from his parents and find his own strength and self-worth, and I needed someone who would take care of me.

And he did. The emotional state I was in when we met brought out the best in him. And I could open my heart to love again.

How it all evolved from that moment was probably all meant to be, but the last few years we tried to hang on to that feeling. That we had back then. All the beautiful moments we shared, the grief we shared around loss and pain. We were desperately trying to constantly adjust to each other. He did things he really didn’t want to deep down, but he did it so I would not be disappointed in him. I was holding back on my even bigger dreams as this was not what he wanted out of life. We compromised the hell out of our relationship.

The moment we decided to sell the house and move to nature, deep down I knew he was doing it to keep me happy. And I knew that in the end, he would start to resent me for this. And I compromised again by saying that we would at least stay in this country. And I understood why he wanted to stay here. I guess I knew him better than I thought.

So, finally, I asked him, what do YOU want? Really want? And then it all came out. For the both of us. And we cried because we both realised that the feeling that was once there was really gone. We had lost the love of our lives, just not through death.

But you see, loving someone also means being able to let them go.

So, we decided on a divorce. We would still sell the house, and after getting the divorce and go our separate ways.

And then it happened. Me realising how I had been getting dependant on him and his income so deeply.

Basically, I had nothing. Or not much. No steady income, no savings, no drivers’ license or car. His always being there for me had made me “lazy”. Not an independent, strong woman at all.

So, what to do next? Looking around for the “normal” options made me very unhappy. But, I probably wouldn’t have a choice, at least for now.

Still, everything in me is saying, go for your dreams now. Don’t fall for the same settle for less trap, as you have done for so many years. Go chase those dreams. Live in/with nature, in time move to another part of the planet. See something of the world. See the animals you get messages from in real life. Connect with other people and cultures. Connect with like-minded souls. Not just online, but in real life. Because I miss that. Talking about life and the world in a deep, philosophical way. Only to jump up next and just dance to life.

But oh, that feeling of responsibility… Towards my pets, towards my mother and sister. Towards him. Even towards some friends. It is tearing me apart inside. That responsibility is what got me into the dark hole many years ago. Feeling trapped, no way out.

I am different, I always have been, I see things differently than most. I even think different. I don’t get attached easily, not to people, houses, and places. But there are exceptions. My pets for instance. Or my sister, whom I love dearly and don’t want her to take care of all the things around my mom on her own.

So, maybe I will have to settle for less for a while…. Or look for a compromise. And every time I think of that my stomach makes this weird spasm. Is it fear that is holding me back? Using my responsibility as “excuse”?

And having trust and faith in my future is hard for me at the moment. My life hasn’t been easy so far, not overly difficult, but not easy either. And a lot of that had to do with mindset, limiting beliefs and family patterns.

But still, trust and faith are just what I need to have. And every card pulled, every reading I get, they all are very positive. So, trust. Take action, but only inspired. Not push, not pull. Invite in and see the possibilities that come on my path.

And, in the end, it has to be my choice. Do I go for my dreams? Or do I settle for less?

What I do know is that I really feel a deep need to be on my own for a while. I have never been one for a “standard” relationship, I value my freedom, and hanging on just for the sake of outer appearance, or for the kids has never been on my agenda. Luckily there are no kids involved.

What I do know is that I have to stay close to myself. When you announce you are getting divorced, so many people jump on and share their thoughts and ideas with you. And this comes from a good place, I am sure of it. But especially in the beginning, all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. And I wasn’t even able to be clear on that. So, this is also forcing me to look at my boundaries and my communication skills. And yes, when you mention divorce, of course, everyone who has had any experience with this will project their own feelings and experiences on this. And some people were disappointed in me, even angry with me. And that surprised me even more. The people close to me had seen it coming, others probably never really listened, or I didn’t feel safe enough with them to share my true feelings.

And this had me fall back into an old pattern, of thinking my experiences and feelings are less than others. As I said, no narcissist, cheating, fighting or abuse involved. So, I backed down. Decided to keep my feelings inside again, as other people’s stories were so much more intense than mine. Or they had their own difficult times going on, so I didn’t want to bother them with my “tiny” problems and issues. I pulled back and tried to do it all by myself. Still am by the way. And in the end, I AM the only one who can deal with this, as they are my feelings.

You see, what happened during our relationship is something we both let happen because we both don’t like conflicts. We never were able to really communicate openly. And the last few years I have stopped with expectations towards him more and more because these were my own projections. It did lead to realising that without the expectations there wasn’t much left. And I no longer wanted him to change, to be something he wasn’t. It wasn’t fair to him, to myself or our marriage.

Sometimes love isn’t enough. It just isn’t. So, the act of freeing each other is actually our final act of love for each other.

Because he is just a good guy, I wish him nothing but good. I hope he finds his path in life, and someone to share the things with him that I couldn’t. To no longer have to worry about if I might get mad at him, or expect things from him he can’t give.

What my next steps will be? I honestly at this point don’t know. I don’t. There is a mixed feeling of excitement, hope, joy, possibilities, fear, anger, disappointment, failure. They are all visiting me. Sometimes all at once.

Maybe I will move abroad, maybe I will lead a nomadic life for a while, maybe I will check out living in an eco-community, or set one up myself. Maybe I do need to get a job, but even in this, stay open to alternative possibilities.

If there is one important thing I can do now it is walking my talk. Live a life in a different way. “Off the grid”, be a part of the change. Instead of just thinking about it, shouting about it, writing about it.

Part of me wants to just get offline altogether, and start working the land. With my hands, as we were meant to be. I often feel that we have too much time on our hands, too much time to think and worry.

I will let it all in. I will let the feelings be there. I will not deny or hide them. Maybe I still won’t reach out for help. I don’t know. That part of trusting life (humans) still needs a lot of healing.

I need to repair my relationship with money and receiving. I would love to just give and share everything for free, but even though this does happen in my visions of a new world, that world is not here yet. I still have to be a part of that system for now.

And it is all ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just have to believe that.

On to my new life. With more joy and connection. Where I can walk my talk. And write my books. And keep on loving the planet and the animals.

Much love


Realisations and Epiphanies


Realisations and Epiphanies was the card I drew for myself as theme for 2017. And I can’t believe the last month of 2017 has already begun.

Participating in a colouring course to get more insights into the lessons of this past intense year, I realised it was very much a year of that. Realisations and epiphanies. A year of letting go, on every level.

At the beginning of the year, I felt a bit lost, hollow, empty. Goal-less. I had lost my sense of self, of what I came here to do, of purpose. I was torn between all kinds of stuff, and looking back, I don’t think I have been very happy for quite some time. Not all the time, but still. Overall not really happy.

Not that I didn’t enjoy the simple things in life, but I had signs of burnout and depression running through my life.

You see, ever since I was little, I wanted to do something that had meaning, an impact. I never strived for fame and fortune, I didn’t like making a career, and I disliked people pushing me towards things I didn’t want. Somewhere during this past year, I said to someone, just because your good at something, doesn’t mean you should be doing it.

With that, if it doesn’t bring me joy, or that idea of having an impact, why bother doing it. With my many talents and responsible attitude, if I set my mind and focus to it, I can be good at many things. But do I want to do it? I realised what success meant to me. Not in numbers, material wealth, in fame, but by impact. How happy did I feel when someone told me how I inspired them through a blog or a post. How I had forgotten about all the testimonials on my work with pets. What did that say about me?

This year was also the year where I started to write my book. My first real book. Not a blog, an actual book. And along the year it changed form and shape, but the basic layout remained my life story so far, infused with animal messages.

With writing this book, I also went through my old journals and diaries and dove into my memories. And my biggest realisation on this, besides that memories are strange things, was that I lost myself along the way. I have spent most of my life taking care of other peoples (and animals) needs and had been using spirituality to escape my deepest feelings and emotions. Who was I? What do I really want out of life? What is success to me?

I talked to people, (life) coaches, friends, family, colleagues. I journaled. I took a deep dive into my own waters. Deeper than ever before. Where was the joy? Where was the self-love and respect? I did self-love letter challenges and started integrating a gratitude practice into my life. I started meditating again, in a different way, and do yoga on my terms.

I cried rivers of unshed tears. I felt anger. I felt frustration. I felt deep sadness. I felt joy and love again. Love for myself. And lots of disappointment, feelings of failure. And above all, I knew I was the only one that could turn this around. Make the changes.

My passion has always been with the animals and nature. Ever since I was very young. My deep bond with them. With the planet. How from a very young age on I had been concerned about our impact on the planet. How I over the years had tried to do the best I could. At that time. To my abilities. And always feeling it wasn’t enough.

This year was the year where I realised the unimportance of material possessions. The illusion of the bigger, better, more principle. How doing business the way it is done, even when it’s so-called heart-centred, is still money and ego-driven. And that is not the way I want to. How at one point looked at all business people as predators, not giving about me or my needs, but only about themselves, their resume and their money.

This year has been a year of letting go big time. Literally. Of material stuff. Of my beliefs. Of the illusions I had about life and business. Of the how it should bees. And how we are stuck in this system we created for ourselves. This reconnected me with my little rebel self. The teenager who didn’t like the system as it is, the rules, the false freedom.

This year I also realised that love is the only truth, and that also made me sad, looking at the current state of humanity and the world, the climate, the planet, the animals.

I had a hard time looking at the declining physical and mental health of my mother. I felt compassion for her, as a human. And it made me sad that things between us had never been very loving. Writing my book made me realise that ever since my brothers first suicide attempt, she stopped being a mom, and me and my siblings had to take care of ourselves. And eventually of her. So many decisions made with the responsibility for her in the back of my mind. So many dreams lost.

I had periods of deep faith and trust, feeling guided and protected. I had periods where my boundaries and safety were put to the test.

It made me look at my relationships, with people. How I never really dared to connect on a deeper level, afraid of getting hurt. How I really didn’t trust people that much. How I always, for the sake of peace and harmony, never spoke up. How I above all was acting nice instead of being kind. Including to myself.

In the fall, my most important relationship finally came crashing down. The sale of the house caused my husband and I to come the conclusion that we no longer were walking the same path. We hadn’t been for a while, but it’s hard letting something go that has been bringing some form of safety and comfort for so long.

And it felt like a relief to have said it out loud. I cried. So many tears. Knowing my life was about to change big time because of this. Also tears of joy for finally choosing for myself. And deep grief, because I did lose the love of my life, even if it went gradually. And fear that I would end up the same way as the last time I ended a relationship.

The realisation that sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. Especially when values and ideas are miles apart. And that true love also means setting them free.

And it felt like a failure. I was so mad at myself that I couldn’t make it work. That I just couldn’t be happy with this overall great guy. How I could not overcome the differences.

And the next steps weren’t easy, aren’t easy. My mother who was angry with me, because I was causing this all. Looking at my possibilities in this country for living on my own didn’t make me very happy either.

I felt even more like a failure. I had become what I always dreaded. Dependant on my partner. Especially financially. I failed at building a thriving business. I sucked at being a businesswoman. And my husband confirmed this. And I do. If I look at the conventional way of doing business.

However, it also is giving me new ideas and inspiration. And opening to other possibilities. Maybe I could travel, live a more nomadic life. Part of losing my dreams had been to see more of the world. To travel. Maybe in time, I could move to the UK, my beloved land. Maybe I could live in an ecovillage or a tiny home. Do what I always wanted. Live minimalistic, and more in harmony with nature and Mother Earth.

I am not clear on that at this point. I still need to let go of even more on this. Living a detached life. Not a life where I don’t care, that is something else. Because I care deeply. Maybe I still care too much.

And I am grieving. Over all the letting go. And there is lightness. Every now and then I catch myself laughing again, randomly. Or singing. Even doing a little dance, out of nowhere. Being silly with the pets.

I am grieving over the things I am prepared to let go if necessary, friends, family, beloved pets. My business. Still, if that needs to happen to finally fully claim my lane, then I will do that. If it takes steps I need to take that are scary, I will take them.

Kaypacha Lescher from New Paradigm Astrology called 2017 the year of the endings of illusions. And that happened for me. Big time. Nothing is certain. That is the only certainty we have.

I also know that my path lies with being the advocate for nature and the animals, in a peaceful and inspiring way. Not as an activist or fighter. More as a cosmic warrior.

My book will be finished in 2018. It is time to close those chapters of my life and move on like a wiser person. To fully give in to my natural given talents and gifts, my inner wisdom and not just the learned wisdom from the mind.

I have had so many wonderful connections and conversations over the past year, that helped me move on. I have realised that the answers truly lie within. That someone might guide me for a while, but they cannot solve anything for me. Not in any area. In the end, I can only do that myself. It helps to share, it helps to talk to people of the same kind of quest, or like-minded people. For me, the guidance from mother nature and the animals helps me get clarity. Nature is pure, it has no hidden agenda. It doesn’t want to sell me a mastermind or program I can’t afford. It doesn’t brainwash me into thinking something is wrong with me. Nature fully accepts me as I am. It is ME that needs to learn to BE again.

On my wish, or desires list, I wrote at one point: thank you, thank you, thank you for a simplified and decluttered life. And I am getting what I asked for. And I am totally okay with that.

Somewhere in 2016, I wrote that I felt naked, totally stripped down. I now realise that it was just the beginning, and I am still not totally stripped down. More layers are to come. And I am ready for that.

I love this journey, I truly do. It’s not always easy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t need to do anything fearless, like jumping off a bridge or walking over hot coals or broken glass. I don’t need to do ayahuasca ceremonies to feel alive. This is enough for me.

I am working towards the point where I can say when someone asks me who I am and what I do: I am me. And that is enough. That is all I need to be.