As some of you might know by now I have signed a book deal with That Guy’s House, and working on this book is bringing up a lot. And I mean A LOT.
The working title of my book was Around the World with 80 spirit animals. Initially about a girl who travelled the world and met 80 animals on her journey that gave messages for humanity.
Along the way, it became apparent that this book would be my own story. Around MY world with 80 spirit animals.
And yes, my life’s journey so far has been just that. A journey. From a happy child, that encountered life along the way, building up huge walls and taking years to break them down again. And I feel that only now I am starting to get to the core of my being. The final layers being peeled off.
In my book my connection to animals and nature, the lessons I got from them, have to be a part of the story. Because they were my anchor, my life saver, when humans, including myself, couldn’t help me.
As preparation I have been diving into my past, into my memories. And, as I kept them all these years, reading my old journals and diaries.
Realisations and epiphanies. I remember drawing this card for myself at the beginning of 2017. I thought I had learned enough already, but reading all of this back, and how memories are strange things, more and more opened up.
I came to the conclusion that I never really loved myself, from a certain age forward. That I even hated myself. I never felt enough. I never felt loved, or understood. And I blamed the people around me for that. I mostly was looking for all of this outside myself.
So it was time to forgive myself and start loving myself. Taking care of myself. I realised that because of my attitude towards myself I didn’t give others the opportunity to really love me. Because how could I be loved if I didn’t even love myself?
Boys and men were a way out, running away from myself. They would give me a good life, and happiness. It was their duty to do so. But no man could ever fill that giant whole inside of my heart. Ever.
I turned to the animals, and they did love me unconditionally, and I them. We were drawn to each other, always has been that way. But the horses, they were brutally honest and showed me I wasn’t the real me at all. I was trying to live up to other people’s expectations, fit in society. Always claiming I was different and real. I truly did believe that. I had been saying that to myself for so long, that I had begun to identify with it.
And the memories. How my mind had been playing tricks on me. There it was, written down. So different than what I always told others, and myself!
No journaling during the most intense periods in my life, again because of my inability to really feel. By writing it down, it would become real. Because the written word had always been so important to me. Much more so than the spoken word. Fighting the water this part of the book will be called. Living in a country that is known for fighting the water. There is a reason you are born in a certain place….
So, here I was, totally naked. Stripped of all that I thought I was. Who am I? I had started to identify myself with my parts in life. Not with my core. What I did, for others, for the animals, for the planet, that was what mattered. I wasn’t important in that. I was a vessel. Just helping out. Being a wife, a sister, a daughter, guide for my pets.
My work, wow, my work. Why did I do that? I always wanted to do something with animals. That was very apparent. And also came through in several readings I had with gifted people.
But the way I did, it didn’t bring me joy. Every step I took on that path, every time I thought, yes, this is it! This will bring me happiness, and I can be of best service. This is my task in life!
Time and time again, when I put out a creation, or an offer… I didn’t really feel it. I was enthusiastic, because people around me were. This was really my thing according to them. And I went along. It must be I thought. I put on a big smile and put the offers out there, and consults. But deep down? I didn’t feel it. It didn’t work for me!
Sure, I have a special connection to animals, nature, the universe even, but….. The way to express this, the forms I tried out, they just didn’t do it for me.
What was I trying to do? Where was I in all of this?
So back to the drawing board it is. Taking everything I do and feeling into it. Is this right? How does it feel? Do I really want this? Who am I doing this for? Why?
Overthinking? Maybe. But I feel more and more that in everything I put out there, my soul has to be present. My heart. My passion. When I talk about animals to people, and how I see the lessons in nature, that’s when I feel alive. Being in nature. Being in stillness. The sounds of silence.
That is when my soul sings. That is when I am able to create poetry, music, books and more.
Not by trying to be a therapist, or a coach, or a mentor. Not by trying to tell people what to do, or give them a 6 step plan or program. This is not how I work, so who am I to tell others to do that. That is the part for others, it is their passion, and I believe them.
I am a messenger, an inspirator, an awakener. This is what I came here to do, nothing more, nothing less. I am enough. I am love. That’s all I need to be. For myself most of all. And that will make waves. That will create a resonance that brings change. That will open up possibilities. And connections on a deeper level.
Am I there? No, not yet, but I do feel I am really on to something now. There is a place deep down in my heart and soul that knows. That is only whispering at the moment, but will become louder with every step I take forward.
Writing this book, I am really doing it for myself most of all. I have never before started a deeper healing process. Even if I don’t sell one copy, seeing it out there, with my name on it. I can then finally close that chapter and truly be me, all of me.
I am getting some help now, from my mentor at That Guy’s House, and loving friends who “get” where I am at. And of course from my animal and nature guides. Who are always there for me, even when I am not there for myself. I also am going to work with a life coach to develop the more masculine part of my being, because I have neglected that part a bit, or looked for this outside of myself.
It is an interesting journey indeed, and I know the people that get it will keep on following and supporting me, and the rest will get off at the next station. And that is totally fine. I am finally able to let go of that fear and not feeling guilty about that.
Love and light,