2017. The year I turned 48. A year of revelations and epiphanies.
I am allowing myself an online detox and reset week. To see where I am at, and what I need to do as next steps in my life. To review things that have passed. The lessons and gifts of the year.
I have never been good at expressing my feelings in real life. I don’t like drama, and I never really know how to express myself openly. Always afraid of judgments and opinions.
Writing in that sense is easier for me. It always has been.
So, when I realised that my married life was over, and had been for a while, I first wrote a blog. About losing the love of my life. Because this was basically a confession to myself, my husband and my marriage, I never actually published it. It was too personal.
But I did share the blog with my husband and that set things in motion. That was the moment we decided to end our 21-year path together and go our own way.
Easier said than done when your lives have been so tuned in to each other for so long. Much like deer’s antlers, they have become entangled in many ways.
But also, how everything started to get clear to me after this decision.
You see, we are not fighting, we are not narcissists, we didn’t cheat on each other, we don’t abuse each other. We just realised we wanted something different in life. From life.
My need for change, my restless soul, my passion for nature, the planet, the animals. These are not his needs.
Especially the past decade I have been on the road to finding myself again. Because I was lost. Very lost. After puberty, the loss of hope and dreams, the loss of family and ending my then long-term relationship had thrown me into a dark hole, where I questioned my very existence.
Right in that moment, I met him. And he came into my life at the right time. I think we both did for each other. He needed to break free from his parents and find his own strength and self-worth, and I needed someone who would take care of me.
And he did. The emotional state I was in when we met brought out the best in him. And I could open my heart to love again.
How it all evolved from that moment was probably all meant to be, but the last few years we tried to hang on to that feeling. That we had back then. All the beautiful moments we shared, the grief we shared around loss and pain. We were desperately trying to constantly adjust to each other. He did things he really didn’t want to deep down, but he did it so I would not be disappointed in him. I was holding back on my even bigger dreams as this was not what he wanted out of life. We compromised the hell out of our relationship.
The moment we decided to sell the house and move to nature, deep down I knew he was doing it to keep me happy. And I knew that in the end, he would start to resent me for this. And I compromised again by saying that we would at least stay in this country. And I understood why he wanted to stay here. I guess I knew him better than I thought.
So, finally, I asked him, what do YOU want? Really want? And then it all came out. For the both of us. And we cried because we both realised that the feeling that was once there was really gone. We had lost the love of our lives, just not through death.
But you see, loving someone also means being able to let them go.
So, we decided on a divorce. We would still sell the house, and after getting the divorce and go our separate ways.
And then it happened. Me realising how I had been getting dependant on him and his income so deeply.
Basically, I had nothing. Or not much. No steady income, no savings, no drivers’ license or car. His always being there for me had made me “lazy”. Not an independent, strong woman at all.
So, what to do next? Looking around for the “normal” options made me very unhappy. But, I probably wouldn’t have a choice, at least for now.
Still, everything in me is saying, go for your dreams now. Don’t fall for the same settle for less trap, as you have done for so many years. Go chase those dreams. Live in/with nature, in time move to another part of the planet. See something of the world. See the animals you get messages from in real life. Connect with other people and cultures. Connect with like-minded souls. Not just online, but in real life. Because I miss that. Talking about life and the world in a deep, philosophical way. Only to jump up next and just dance to life.
But oh, that feeling of responsibility… Towards my pets, towards my mother and sister. Towards him. Even towards some friends. It is tearing me apart inside. That responsibility is what got me into the dark hole many years ago. Feeling trapped, no way out.
I am different, I always have been, I see things differently than most. I even think different. I don’t get attached easily, not to people, houses, and places. But there are exceptions. My pets for instance. Or my sister, whom I love dearly and don’t want her to take care of all the things around my mom on her own.
So, maybe I will have to settle for less for a while…. Or look for a compromise. And every time I think of that my stomach makes this weird spasm. Is it fear that is holding me back? Using my responsibility as “excuse”?
And having trust and faith in my future is hard for me at the moment. My life hasn’t been easy so far, not overly difficult, but not easy either. And a lot of that had to do with mindset, limiting beliefs and family patterns.
But still, trust and faith are just what I need to have. And every card pulled, every reading I get, they all are very positive. So, trust. Take action, but only inspired. Not push, not pull. Invite in and see the possibilities that come on my path.
And, in the end, it has to be my choice. Do I go for my dreams? Or do I settle for less?
What I do know is that I really feel a deep need to be on my own for a while. I have never been one for a “standard” relationship, I value my freedom, and hanging on just for the sake of outer appearance, or for the kids has never been on my agenda. Luckily there are no kids involved.
What I do know is that I have to stay close to myself. When you announce you are getting divorced, so many people jump on and share their thoughts and ideas with you. And this comes from a good place, I am sure of it. But especially in the beginning, all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on. And I wasn’t even able to be clear on that. So, this is also forcing me to look at my boundaries and my communication skills. And yes, when you mention divorce, of course, everyone who has had any experience with this will project their own feelings and experiences on this. And some people were disappointed in me, even angry with me. And that surprised me even more. The people close to me had seen it coming, others probably never really listened, or I didn’t feel safe enough with them to share my true feelings.
And this had me fall back into an old pattern, of thinking my experiences and feelings are less than others. As I said, no narcissist, cheating, fighting or abuse involved. So, I backed down. Decided to keep my feelings inside again, as other people’s stories were so much more intense than mine. Or they had their own difficult times going on, so I didn’t want to bother them with my “tiny” problems and issues. I pulled back and tried to do it all by myself. Still am by the way. And in the end, I AM the only one who can deal with this, as they are my feelings.
You see, what happened during our relationship is something we both let happen because we both don’t like conflicts. We never were able to really communicate openly. And the last few years I have stopped with expectations towards him more and more because these were my own projections. It did lead to realising that without the expectations there wasn’t much left. And I no longer wanted him to change, to be something he wasn’t. It wasn’t fair to him, to myself or our marriage.
Sometimes love isn’t enough. It just isn’t. So, the act of freeing each other is actually our final act of love for each other.
Because he is just a good guy, I wish him nothing but good. I hope he finds his path in life, and someone to share the things with him that I couldn’t. To no longer have to worry about if I might get mad at him, or expect things from him he can’t give.
What my next steps will be? I honestly at this point don’t know. I don’t. There is a mixed feeling of excitement, hope, joy, possibilities, fear, anger, disappointment, failure. They are all visiting me. Sometimes all at once.
Maybe I will move abroad, maybe I will lead a nomadic life for a while, maybe I will check out living in an eco-community, or set one up myself. Maybe I do need to get a job, but even in this, stay open to alternative possibilities.
If there is one important thing I can do now it is walking my talk. Live a life in a different way. “Off the grid”, be a part of the change. Instead of just thinking about it, shouting about it, writing about it.
Part of me wants to just get offline altogether, and start working the land. With my hands, as we were meant to be. I often feel that we have too much time on our hands, too much time to think and worry.
I will let it all in. I will let the feelings be there. I will not deny or hide them. Maybe I still won’t reach out for help. I don’t know. That part of trusting life (humans) still needs a lot of healing.
I need to repair my relationship with money and receiving. I would love to just give and share everything for free, but even though this does happen in my visions of a new world, that world is not here yet. I still have to be a part of that system for now.
And it is all ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just have to believe that.
On to my new life. With more joy and connection. Where I can walk my talk. And write my books. And keep on loving the planet and the animals.