I’ve been back from the UK now for a while, and this week is the last week I am staying at my ex-husbands place. From there I am going to house sit for a few weeks and after that? I don’t know yet. I am surrendering to what comes my way, to feel into everything I research, if that is in alignment with my heart and soul.
I’ve had time to think and feel a lot lately. To observe myself. How I react. What I do. If I have any blocks or limiting beliefs. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just fine. I am all I need to be. My tendency to compare myself to others, look for outside confirmation, they have all led to me trying to label myself as something. Putting myself in a box. And if there’s one thing I need to do, is stop doing that!
I had a talk with my publisher last week, and something I said suddenly made me realise the reason why my finances have been not in a good place and going down. Because what I did with every euro I earned, I invested them in more programs, coaches, ways to learn about myself. From OUTSIDE sources! And now I am at a point where I can no longer afford to do that, so life kind of forced me to look inside for answers. To look into my heart and soul.
And you know what I discovered? I really like me, yes love me even. When I am on my own I don’t judge myself, I don’t try to label myself or anything. I am fine just the way I am. I know my strong points, I know my weak points. And you know what? I don’t have to change any of them, or work on them. Because why do I do that? To conform to other peoples labels, boxes, expectations? All outside of myself.
In my core I am a very loving and caring person. And no, that can never be too much, I don’t have to shield or protect myself. I don’t have to do that once I fully accept, love and appreciate myself. The most loving thing I can do for myself is create a life that can handle being myself completely.
I don’t have to work on limiting beliefs or blocks, because I don’t have them. Others made me think I have them. And I listened to others, for a very, very long time.
I am sensitive, I feel deeply. Seeing animals, nature, the planet, people in pain causes me pain. Literally. My senses are working overtime at times. But should I change that? No. Why should I? Because that pain is causing me to take action. To feel passionate enough again to take steps towards doing something about it. That passion had been burned out many years ago, and I have been trying to ignite it with outside sources.
I made a list of what truly brings me joy, passion, love. And that is nature and the animals. That is what brings me healing, brings me to a place of peace and quiet. Inspires me deeply.
It doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with people. I do. With certain people. That share the same passion. But not too much, not too long. It overwhelms me. And no, I no longer feel I need to change that. I am fine with who I am in this. You see, I’ve been looking for my “tribe” for many years. Because that’s what we are supposed to do, as social beings. Belong to a tribe or community. But I’ve never felt at home with any of them. And I am at a point now where I am no longer convinced I need to be. I am not a hermit, but I love being on my own, very much. Spending time in nature. Just being. Listening to music. Reading. Spending quality time with my dog. Not talking. Oh… the bliss of not talking all the time. I am allowing myself fully to find my own way in that too.
When it comes to my business, I am now sure I no longer want to run a business in the conventional way, even if it has the label heart-centered. I above all want to help nature, the planet, the animals, and just be. I don’t like selling. I don’t like pointing you to your painpoints, convincing you you have a limiting belief you need to work on, giving you a miracle solution, or make you dependant on me. There are loads of people out there who love doing all of that, so I leave that to them. I am a strong advocate of taking control over your own life and take responsibility for all your actions. I am doing that myself, and it is freeing and liberating.
I still love writing, but I love that because of the art of writing. It is my way of expressing myself. I don’t want to be put in a box as a writer and be flooded by all kinds of people who want to tell me how to write and how to market myself. Writing is not a business for me, it is much more.
So, I will do very little with my business. Maybe create some things that will help you reconnect to nature, but most things I will discontinue. For good this time. I will find other ways of income. And in that also find my own way, seeing how much I really need, and be happy with a simple and humble life. I no longer want to strive for bigger, better, more. My dream is a small home in the UK, in or near woods, lakes, rivers. And have loads of time to just be, walk in nature, write, read. Together with Cheyenne. No more working long hours to buy stuff I don’t need. I discovered I really don’t need much. And that too is ok.
I feel this is my purpose in life. The task I set myself this lifetime. To just allow myself to be. To accept and love myself as I am. Fully. Unapologetically.
So, that’s where I am at right now. I am going to look for a (temporary) home and job or income, to eventually start living my dream.
And I am loving it.