My end of the year blog. As writing is and always will be my way of expressing myself. For myself and for others.
It has been an intense year for me, I’ve said it many times this last month. And it has. And I am no longer labelling it as good or bad, because everything has been a part of being where I am at today.
The last two weeks I have been thinking a lot about life purpose, of having a (bigger) vision and mission in life. Ever since I was a teenager, or maybe even as a kid, I felt I was meant for something big(ger). I wanted to make some sort of impact on the world around me. Be part of the big change.
I’ve always felt this bigger purpose in life was all about being an advocate or voice for the animals, nature, the planet. And I still believe that. But, everything I tried in that area never felt enough, and I was held back by upbringing to go on real great adventures on this.
Life has had interesting twists and turns for me anyway, and although I never had anything really bad happen to me personally, I did watch a lot of pain and sorrow around me. And that’s where something started to change. I wanted to help. To be of service for those in pain and sorrow. Make it better for them. Make them happy. I felt responsible for their happiness.
When I had my first breakdown, in my twenties, I didn’t link it to that. I felt my depression was because I didn’t work through my grief around the loss of my brother and father. And that certainly was part of it. In my deepest and darkest hours I met someone who would become a part of my life for over 20 years. And still is in some ways. He was part of the team that “saved” me.
And when I was feeling better, I again started to feel responsible for others. Humans, animals, nature, the planet. Everyone but me.
I never fully realised how that affected me until this week. I decided to take part in the Rebirth program by Lee Harris, and in his first talk he mentioned the big R and the little r. That really triggered something in me. It all made sense now. And you know how people always share meme’s about life? I know I did. Many of them. And I always thought I understood them. But I clearly didn’t. Not fully. Not on a deeper level.
The big R. That’s what I’ve been living for most of my adult life. Always feeling responsible for others, family, friends, pets, wild animals, farm animals, nature, the planet, the climate. I felt everything I did wasn’t enough. Because nothing changed. I felt frustrated and certainly towards the planet and the climate, really depressed. Burned out.
I felt like a failure, on so many levels. I wasn’t able to hold on to friends, I wasn’t able to make my relationship and marriage work, I wasn’t able to help family with health problems. I failed in my business, because I wasn’t able to help the pets. Not on the level I had envisioned. I felt like a bad business person, because I wasn’t able to make enough money. Hardly any money for that matter. I felt like a crappy writer, having not finished my book in time, having an almost fall out with my friend over the art-work.
Listening to Lee, I realised that it was the big R that had gotten me down. And that I didn’t take care of the little r, namely me. Filling my own cup before anything else. I felt the pieces falling into place. All the decluttering I did, all the wishing for a simplified life. All for others, all for the bigger vision and mission. Even with letting go of most everything, there was still Cheyenne to feel the big R for.
I totally ignored my little Diana, shouting at me. What about me? What about my needs, my wishes, my desires? The one big thing I did for her this year was moving. Even though I am not living here officially (yet), moving to the UK was my inner child screaming at me. That little Diana that was so in touch with her souls desires.
So, I gave some attention to little Diana. What does she want? What made her happy? Music, dancing, playing outdoors, singing. Colouring and drawing. Reading and writing. Being a little explorer of the lands, of life. Diving into history and watching the stars. Gazing at the clouds. Laughing, so much laughter as little Diana. I had been pushing her away. To make room for other people’s needs and wishes. I let go of dreams. I let go of what really made me happy. I was not taking care of the little r. Little me. I lost my joy in life. I lost my joy in the things I did. That deeper feeling of joy that comes from doing something that truly resonates with my soul. That feeling I had standing on the top of a Tor in Dartmoor, of seeing the Lakes for the first time. That deep feeling of joy I get from listening to beautiful music, dancing in the rain, reading a book, or just being outdoors in nature. I was looking for it outside of me. In my relationship(s), in my work, in my creativity. It wasn’t there.
I don’t know what 2019 will hold for me. I truly don’t. I feel I will not set intentions for the whole year yet, just for the first few months. A big part of those intentions will be about the little r. Little Diana really wants her own place to live in, create income from things she likes doing, feel joy and more love and laughter, feel a deeper meaningful connection with me. Before anything. And do this from a place of trust, of trust in myself and the Universe having my back. Because I do matter, I am worthy and I am enough. More than enough.
I know now that I should have worked on that before starting my own business. But then again, everything I did has lead to this moment in time. There are no mistakes, no failures. I wouldn’t have met the people that helped me out this year if I hadn’t followed that path.
I do hope that my stories and experiences inspire. Maybe you are on the verge of starting your own business. Maybe you feel overwhelmed as an activist, healer, therapist. Maybe it is time to stop and see what it dominant in your life. The big R? The big vision, mission? The big life purpose that everybody is always going on about? But… have you been taking care of the little r first? Without filling your own cup you will only deplete yourself working on the big R. If you are feeling a little resistance or anger when it comes to finding your big vision, mission, life purpose, then maybe it’s time to step back and take care of yourself first.
I know I am taking a break from the bigger R’s at this time and will revisit them once I have my own r’s in place. When I can look in the mirror and can truly say I love you. When all my needs and desires are fulfilled. I know that I will not do anything to harm animals or the planet in the process, that is not in my nature, but I am done sacrificing my little r for the big R. I know I will be ready for the big R again once I can listen to someone stating that being in service of something bigger is life purpose without getting angry. When I am ready for a meaningful romantic relationship again with someone who doesn’t feel the need to save me simply because I no longer need saving. When it can be a relationship based on equality.
So, that is my intention, to truly live as my soul desires to live. To let every part of me shine again. To answer the callings of my inner child.
And with doing that, I am already in service. Because when I am happy, when I am thriving, accepting everything life throws at me with ease and grace, I am changing the system. I am part of that bigger whole, I am more than I know or realise. When I shift, everything shifts. We are all interconnected and we are part of nature, so every change I make will have the effect I so wanted as a child.
As the image says, it’s time for me to live. Fully live.