Taking a break!
Have you ever felt the urge to push a reset button? I never really have, until now.
It’s not that I am miserable, or totally unhappy, but with the upcoming divorce and everything around that, I feel I deep desire to take some time off. A time-out. A reset.
With everything I have done over the past few years, I discovered that I lived most of my life in service of others. Not always that obvious, but in every decision I made in my life, I always looked at how my actions would impact others. My husband, my family, my friends, my pets, the planet, the animals, the environment. Everyone, but me.
Now, this might seem like a very good and noble thing to do. But the thing is, I have lost myself in that process. I have truly forgotten who I really am. What brings me joy. What makes my heart sing. I don’t take real good care of myself, especially not physically, that needs to change.
So, I am pushing the reset button, and stepping away from everything. To find myself again, and what brings me joy and lights up my day. What makes it worth getting up for in the morning.
It’s not that I regret anything I have done so far, I don’t feel it like that. They were all lessons, steps to take me to where I am now.
I want to live a “free” life for a while, free of possessions, free of too many responsibilities, free of relationships, free of everything that I have always let get in the way of going deep within and following my own heart.
To still the outer voices, telling me what to do, telling me my ideas and dreams are not from this world, that I should “get real”. The outer voices that have always confused me, criticized me. Maybe those outer voices meant well, maybe there is self-interest involved. It doesn’t matter. I need to quiet the outer voices.
I need to find my passion, rekindle my fire. I know where I have felt most alive, and I want to find a way to get more of that into my life. Because that feeling is amazing and inspiring.
I don’t know how this will work out in a practical sense. Our society isn’t based on true freedom and is filled with rules and regulations. But, right now, I am thinking of taking some sort of sabbatical with the money that will come from the sale of the house. To really live a simple and humble life. Explore possible ways of living, communities that are in alignment with my values and beliefs. I’ve spent too many years with people that are other-minded. I would love to spend some time with true like-minded people. Philosophise about life, nature, the world, the new earth.
I am deeply in love with nature, the animals, Mother Nature. But I need to heal the relationship with myself, and I feel I need to do this mostly on my own. Only then will I be able to also have true love and compassion for my fellow humans, because that is the biggest challenge for me in this life.
I want to finish my book and start writing the other books that are inside of me. I want to spend more time in nature. I want to explore my existing friendships, are they true friendships? Will they still be there when I make radical changes?
I want to find out with how little I can get by. How I can still live a life of ease, without plundering the earth and her resources. I have never had the desire of living in a big house. I have never had the desire to live a luxurious life. My BIG dream, is to live in a tiny home, in or near nature, in harmony with the planet. My BIG dream is to create change, wake people up, make them aware of the consequences their lives and actions have on the planet, the animals, society.
I want to be able to share my ideas for a new way of living, but I want to first find out for myself what is possible in that. Walk my talk.
I want to share my thoughts on what I feel is going on in the world. My visions of the future. I want to be able to share them without being afraid of being judged.
I do want to travel, explore the world, get to meet new people, cultures. Talk to others, understand. See the animals in the wild. But I don’t want to harm the planet with my travels. So, I need to figure out how I can do that (with as little as flying as possible).
But, I also want to take long walks with my soul dog, Cheyenne. This is probably the hardest part for me, leaving the other pets behind. Anyone who knows me a little, also knows I am not very attached to people, places, things. But the pets. Oh…. That is really the most difficult thing for me.
I don’t want to end up thinking what if…. I want to explore every possibility that is out there for me.
I know I have a kind and gentle heart, even caring at times. But I can also be very harsh and judgmental. On myself, and others, on society. I often don’t speak up and out about this, because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings.
There is a lot of healing to be done within. I need to heal my inner child, my past lives, to really be able to shine again. Every now and then I feel this little flame waking up inside of me when I do or share something that I really love, but it stays a little flame. Or it is put out by circumstances. Or I let it be put out by others that want to keep me small.
So yes. I am taking a break from everything. Including my business. I even need to figure out if I want a business anymore. I know I don’t want a business in the “old” ways. And no matter what kind of fancy label everyone puts on it, most people put profit over purpose. Even I have with many of the things I created. And I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to do something just to make a living, I want that to be a side-effect.
After the move and divorce, I will probably temporarily rent a recreational home somewhere in nature, to figure everything out. To be truly on my own for a while.
Is writing my future? My true passion? What about my harp. Where does that fit in? Do I want to make music? Maybe my creativity will flow back once I am “free” from everything. Or maybe it is the piano, the instrument I’ve wanted to play ever since I was a child. Where and how do I want to live? In a community? An ecovillage? A tiny house? Will I get everything going for living in the UK? The land that always feels like home when I am there? Or will I explore some other places that have also always been calling to me? Maybe I will do some volunteer work with elephants, or other wildlife. And how about “romantic” relationships? Right now, everything I write down, every desire list, every vision I have is of me. There is no significant other there, apart from my dog. So many questions to explore and find answers to. Maybe I will come to the conclusion that nothing really matters, that living is the purpose of life. Who knows.
But I most of all know that I have to start taking action! No more lists, no more dreaming. Really get out there and explore what is possible.
The new earth is not here yet, but someone, somewhere, somehow has to start making the changes. Has to wake up and become aware of the illusions of life. Maybe I am one of those someones. And I just need to connect to those other someones that are also awake and aware, and brave enough to start making real changes.
Time to hit that button.