There and back again?

There and back again?

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Yes, the title of this blog is a reference to the subtitle of The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Because I have returned from my soul-journey to the UK. And I often felt like Bilbo, and Frodo in the Lord of the Rings. And I encountered many curious creatures on my path.

Did I find what I was looking for? Yes and no. And as with every great journey or adventure, it had many unexpected twists and turns. I don’t want to reveal too much with this blog as I will turn this into my second book (If my first ever comes out that is).

It was an amazing trip, that’s for sure. Even with all the interesting and at times scary stuff that happened. More than anything, every pilgrimage or quest will eventually be a journey on finding yourself. And I did, in many ways. And I met amazing people who held space for me when I needed it the most. My soul-dog Cheyenne turned out to be an amazing teacher and mirror for me.

Great expectations. Another reference to a book of one of my favourite authors all time, Charles Dickes. I tried to set out without expectations, as I always fear disappointment, and wanted, above all, enjoy the moment. But, they did creep in, the expectations. Because the traveling, by public transport and by foot, was what I was looking forward to the most. And the typical English weather, not too hot, some clouds, rain and more. Moody weather as I call it. And there were things I wasn’t looking forward too, like doing it all by myself, being alone, and other minor things. Well, as you might guess, the things I was looking forward too turned out to be quite a challenge and the things I was afraid of turned out to be the easiest of this journey.

Well, the weather? Somehow I traveled at the start of one of the most extreme warm summers ever recorded. And let me tell you, I don’t like heat! And Cheyenne doesn’t either. So the planned (and pre-booked) walking holiday turned out to be very different. I will tell more about that part in my book. Public transport wasn’t that easy, especially not with a dog, and was often very expensive.

I did learn I am never alone, and that there are some amazing souls out there that are offering help even when I am not always clear in asking for it. I did learn to ask for help, and be vulnerable. I discovered that I most of all went on this trip to prove to myself (and others) that I can do it all on my own. And I probably can, but I realised I don’t have to. That was a big lesson. And with no car and a dog that at one point didn’t want to enter a bus or train anymore, I had to make decisions along the way to alter my journey, be flexible and change every time. I ended up staying with the most wonderful and generous person I ever met in my life for a big part of my journey. I stayed in another amazing persons caravan for a week at the beach, and I absolutely loved it. I met up with my publisher in Liverpool, talking about life and more, everything but my book! But I didn’t get to go to the places I wanted to visit before I left. And discovered other places I truly wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on.

I had a lot of time to think, journal, feel and cry. I had wonderful conversations with beautiful people. I laughed again. About simple things. Some people I met for just a short while, others I hope to know the rest of my life. Some people helped me to put things into perspective. Others just made me realise I have the gift of holding a sacred and safe space for people to open up and pour their hearts out.

My host and I had amazing conversations about our mutual talent as animal communicator, and we discovered a very similar way or thinking and working. Something we both thought we never would. I helped her, she helped me. She helped me with understanding Cheyenne better. And with that myself. And her (and the amazing owner of the caravan too) giving nature “forced” me into receiving mode. I realised that receiving is something so hard for me. I realised that I never considered anything in my life as “mine”. Not even the money I got from the sale of the house. Somehow it felt like “his” money. It made me realise I really hardly ever ask anything for myself. That in asking something there is always something deeper behind it, helping someone or something else, helping the planet. I am so afraid of being considered egoistic or egocentric. I realised I have some heavy karma I carried into this life with me. The karma of “suffering”. I decided there that from now on I would enjoy more instead of suffer. I realised that despite the “suffering”, underneath there is a base of being happy and content. When there are no outer distractions, when I am on my own in nature, well with Cheyenne, I am at my core very peaceful, and at ease.

I discovered what I don’t want anymore, and am getting more clear on what I do want and desire. I’ve read a book on alternative living while I was traveling, and that helped me narrow down what kind of house or home I would like. I realised it is perfectly fine to want to have something “of my own”. There is no need to fear I will become greedy, as that is not in my nature. But I can have enough, or even just more than enough, abundance. I know that in my case, that will never be about endless growth and desire.

I felt very welcome, even if the weather was more than I could handle, and I never felt unwanted. Or too much. It felt effortless, even with the traveladventures.

The energy of the land, the amazing countryside, the hills, the (not so green) fields, the buildings, the rivers, wildlife, everything. It was very deeply healing, and deeply inspiring.

So much so, that at one point I just felt ready to go back to the Netherlands for now and start mapping out my new future and take action steps towards that. Those are in random order: finding my own (temporary) place, find a source of regular income, get a drivers license, start taking action on re-building my business and eventually move to the UK permanently.

Regarding living: I do know my heart and soul are so connected to the UK, that I kind of left them behind again. So I will start taking steps towards uniting my body with my heart and soul in the land that I so deeply love, and loves me in return. So much so, it almost didn’t let me leave! But read more on that in my book 😉

Regarding work: For now I am ok with finding a form of income next to my writing and other creative work. Ideally, I will get enough income from my books and related products, writing articles and blogs and more. I do feel more and more called to really actively get people connected to nature again, in a positive way. Earth-medicine is my way, so nature walks, be-treats, meditations, and more. I am also looking into working together with others more in creating things like that, like I am already doing with Karin Monster in our Healing Circle.

Regarding drivers’ license: I thought that would be the first step, but somehow it feels like I need to get that once I live in the UK. It does make sense, so I will do that when I live there.

Regarding my business, HeartMessages: rebuilding it as a way to support me on my writers and Earth-Medicine journey.

I still have a lot of mindset work to do, but I know there are people out there I can turn to, who have my back, and I can turn to when I need a little moral support. I know I don’t need another (business-)coach, I’ve been there, done that so to speak, it is time to finally step into my own power and start creating from my heart, my being. No longer giving my power away, by doing what others feel I should be doing, and never really feeling the joy and passion in it. But by doing what gives me joy and is my passion. I saw passion. With the people I stayed with, the people I talked with. At the gathering my host had organised and how all the presenters were truly authentically passionate about what they shared. How passionate my host is about her work as animal communicator and teacher. I loved that. It is something I’ve always missed in my work and jobs so far. What is my passion? Well, obviously, it’s nature. It has always been nature. The animals, the planet. And I am very good at being, just being. Being at peace. Being in silence. Connecting to all that is. Being a voice for those who don’t speak human. And this is what I would love to share and let others experience. Through my writing, through nature walks. Nothing more, nothing less.

Returning back to The Netherlands felt like a cold shower, but I was still going to go for it. I was allowed to return to live with my ex-husband for now, but it felt and feels very awkward. For both of us. And on top of that, the summer decided to take it up a notch. Last week the temperatures reached hights I hadn’t experienced in a long time, the room I am staying in is the hottest in the house, so had to stay in other parts of the house. Going outside was just not doable for me, and when it is this hot, my brain sort of stops functioning, so all not working in my favour. I felt homesick, miserable, my feet very swollen from the heat, had several horsefly bites with an intense reaction, the mosquitos seem to like me all of the sudden. It’s not easy living with my ex, I feel like I am too much and in his way, my mother is not well but she is too stubborn to really accept help from others than my sister and me, the responsibilities are taking its toll on me again. The worries about my house and income situation put me into acting from a place of fear and panick again instead of peace and calm. And I miss the nature walks, the relative peace and silence I so crave. I made a list of all the friends that want to connect to me, and it is freaking me out so much that I don’t want to reach out at all. I felt very stuck. Again. Much like how I felt before I left for my journey. I wondered if I would be able to break the “suffering” mode that I promised to do when I was in the UK, or if suffering was just something I signed up for in this life. But, being back on social media, made me realise that my suffering is not as bad as for a lot of other people in the world. It did help me put things in perspective. Not that I am downgrading what I feel, and I have felt like ending it all at one point, but it does make me realise that it is not all that bad. That I need to step out of my own drama and stories.

So, here we are today. The worst of the heat has gone, and I feel a little more able to think again, and feel, and again ready to move forward. I realise the journey never stopped after returning to the Netherlands, it just goes on. And on. And it probably will never stop. As so many great people always have said: it is about the journey after all, and not the destination.

I am ready for the next leg of this journey called life.

Much love,

Diana and Cheyenne.

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